Kanigi wants to die

That is my custom message on google chat today.

I feel that everyone is plotting against me, and trying to cause me harm. Yes, I am paranoid, I am letting my imagination going into an overdrive and I am really helpless.

My colleagues keep speaking in low whispers, and when they speak up, they speak in rapid cantonese, a dialect I cant catch up at all.

They laugh among themselves and I know they are laughing at me, laughing at how horribly I am doing in this company, and how I can never understand their common language.

I can feel their spiteful sideglances at me, I can feel their looks drilling a hole into my back. The more influential people had gathered earlier in a secret meeting and deliberately leaving me out. They spoke in hushed tones about the meeting but a colleague who was by default in the league, had naively asked what was the meeting about.

They assured him it was a friendly meeting only, and give each other knowing nods.

There are some who seems sympathetic of my plight but is taking a step backwards in case my bad luck infected them unknowingly. I know they are shaking their heads as I walked past them, and will look at me walk further and further away, alone.

I try to walk away, chin's up and with an confident stride, I can only manage until I am out of their sight when I turned a corner. There, I will leaned against the wall and cry with sorrow, and hope I will be killed in a freak road accident.

Please leh!

I called my secondary school teacher just now, in hope that she will need an assistant and hire me for the job.

But no, she needs someone to do it for her volunteerily, and she thought I am the answer to her prayers.

Sorry lor, I am so busy that I dont even have enough time to slack, will I be silly enough to commit myself in this sai gang?

Anyway, from the way she is putting it, it seems that it is no longer good to be a teacher. I am not looking to have a very comfortable job, but please, dont let it be a sai gang!

Gwigle

Got this site while I was blog hopping, and I cheated to advance the levels.

-_-"

Muahahahaha. I cheat wherever I go, whatever I do

Movie: Dragon Tiger Gate

This entry is late because I was really tired, and other than 4 hours of karaoke in the afternoon yesterday, I had spent most of this weekend sleeping.

I watched 龍虎門 on fri night, with en'en, slt, wilfred and ec.











I give the show 3.5 stars out of 5, but you should never take my word for it when it comes to cinema watching, for I have very extraordinary taste.

And all 3.5 stars are for donnie yen. =)

If I am not looking at his fantastic stunts, I am looking at the rest of the stunts thinking how talented donnie yen is to be able to choreograph them.

Donnie yen is the 武术指导 for this show and I must say the stunts are the only thing worth seeing other than donnie yen himself. The plot of the show sucks.

For one, if xiao long (that is donnie yen lah!) is the one who is going to beat shibumi (the bad guy who had strength that was almost paranormal), why isnt there more scenes showing how he trained his skills?

But instead, he took some miracle substance that shibumi gave (who thinks too highly of himself and wanted his opponent to be stronger), saw the women he loves die before him, falls into water and emerged with earth-shattering skills.

What the?

And if it wasnt weird enough, there were scenes depicting how nicholas tse and shawn yue trained, when they will be eventually be beaten by shibumi.

The flow of the show was weird too, because there was too much time spent in the beginning of the show explaining who is who, and the scriptwriters tried too hard to include humour into the show. Towards the middle, the show quickly tells you why there is a need for the grand fight, and gears the audience into believing that the ending part would be highly interesting.

Xiao hu (nic) and shi hei long (shawn) were defeated by shibumi and they had to seek guidance from someone who supposedly had good skills.

For shawn it makes sense, cos his skills sucks to begin with. But for nicholas it is weird, cos he was training under 龍虎門 all along what, how come his skills so lousy one?

But to his credit, his character's skills were merely on the footing, and in real life (as seen on kxll), nicholas really can kick above his head, so his stunts feels very real, unlike shawn's.

Ok, back to the show. Xiao hu and shi hei long , after training, went back to challenge shibumi but was beaten, xiao long came and beat shibumi. End of story.

The whole show is 98 mins, but the last fighting scene is for like 10minutes?

Chey! I changed my mind, it is worth 3 stars only.

And all 3 stars are STILL for donnie yen.

It's ready

My resignation letter is ready and sitting in my gmail account. Anytime I need it I just need to open up the file and ctrl-p.

I kiasu-ly created with the variations, one that sounds regretful, the other sounds downright bitchy.

The letters are ready because I think the company might decide to not engage me once I pass my probation period. I want to beat them to it by telling them my resignation letter had been ready since long ago.

TAMADE! Why does it sounds so fuckingly familiar! What's happening to my life?

Worn out

I am very worn out these days.

Guess there is no need to go into details on why am I so tired, cos you had probably already read it in the last few entries.

I had been working 9am to 10 or 11 pm from mon to thurs, and yesterday although I planned to meet the gang at 7, I eventually ot-ed till 7.30pm.

Actually I planned to go back to work today and tomorrow, but I had shelved the plans for today at least. I need a proper break, or I will not be able to go on anymore.

Which brings me to another point, I am almost breaking into pieces already, why am I still making myself miserable by holding out?

Why is it I know what I want but I cant seem to attain it?

I am really tired

I really am.

I leave home at 8am in the morning and reaches home only after 11pm. I had been doing so much ot that I forgot what daylight looks like at 6pm.

Someone please save me.

Please please please.

Ex colleague

I had this colleague whom, like me, is kind of the outcast in the company.

He joined the company two months prior to myself and although on the surface, he mingles well with everyone, he is much disliked by everyone.

Yah, probably I am like that too. =P

He doesnt know his work well but he likes to shoot his mouth off, much to the irritation to the other colleagues.

And while I am like him, without friends, he tries very hard to merge in but failed. Me, on the other hand, cannot be bothered and I happily infuse myself into the ugly carpet.

I tried to be as nice to him as I can manage, but he bosses me around like he does to everyone.

And feeling pissed yesterday when he demands me to prepare 6 sets of documents for him, I retorted 'When I am free', and proceed to walk away.

In the end I gave him all the loose printed copies without binding them and asked him to help himself.

I congratulate myself for standing up for my own rights, only to hear this morning he had already resigned and wont be here again.

I felt bad because he had probably left because he hadnt a friend here and me being the last person who treats him with decency decides to give him attitude as well.

Sigh.. Life's like that isnt it? I had to give way to my impatience on his last day. If only I hadnt, then maybe it had been a better last day.

*Update*
I heard he was asked to leave. Sigh, why does it sounds so familiar? I think this company isnt the best place to slog in, for efforts are not recognised.

Weekend ok? Weekend I will really sit down and think about what I really want.

I cant do it during weekdays because I have been working till fucking 10pm everyday. I am too tired to process any thinking after that.[

Tears

I have this habit of setting my alarm at 6am when I need to wake up at 7am. I am the kind of person who needs to laze in bed, so I give myself 'one hour' to laze in.

And within this one hour, I would repeatedly hit the snooze button on my se z520i, which will go off once every 9 minutes.

I am a good sleeper, and whenever I snooze on, I easily fall back into a slumber deep enough to render dreams.

Hence within that one hour, I can easily dream 3 or 4 short dreams, remembering each one quite distinctively because I will be awaken in the middle of it.

Everyone knows this is the only way one can remember dreams -- waking up from it.

And I would be very affected by these dreams.

These dreams would linger in my mind for days and I cannot wave them away as much as I want to.

This morning I dreamt my ah mah made lunch for me and I cried as I hugged her tightly.

I woke up with tears running down my face.

我想你. 我很很很很很想你.

I realised there is this pattern

I realised there is this pattern I have in my life. On monday I will recount how I hate my current job and life (17jul, 26jun, 19jun or 12jun) and I will pass my week complaining and complaining. When fri and sat is finally here, I forced myself to enjoy my gatherings with friends (jul15, jul2 or 24jun)

I can only enjoy my fri and sat effectively for at the most 24 hours, then I started feeling dreary about needing to go to work on monday again (11jun).

**Blogger hang on me, and I thought I lost this post, phew...***

This repeated cycle drains me out, and I feel so helpless sometimes that I want to cry. If not for the nagging reminder at the back of my brain, I would have spent all my savings on drinking and smoking. These two activities takes my mind off matters, unfortunately they can already be costing me around $150 per month when I am not heavily indulging.

How can I fully embrace this lifestyle?

Oh, and peilin asked me that day that why is drinking fun? I told her like smoking, it takes matters off mind, and gives me the chance to let go of things. She asked me what was I letting go of and what is remaining at the end? I couldnt answer her then for I was too lazy to think.

Drinking/smoking allows me to let go of pressing issues that is swimming in my head. It is like how sports takes your mind off things, or how doing something (or anything) else does it.

But drinking is different because when one is intoxicated, your mind stops to function properly and you wont be thinking about all the worries you have.

Ok, end of digression.

When I was out with mashi yesterday for karaoke, she expressed her disbelief why am I still hanging out in this job when I am obviously unhappy.

I told her because I hadnt found a new job yet, I cant be leaving and be without salary.

She told me I had always managed to find jobs very quickly, and I really neednt worry about not being able to find a job quickly. I agree with her regarding this, but I am facing another problem because I dont know what I want to do should I leave here.

For there is an ultimate dream job that I want to achieve, and hence currently whatever job I am doing is just a temporary hideout. You can say that I can spend this period of time -- before I get to work that dream job -- doing jobs that are interesting, but because I need a good pay if not how am I ever going to save up enough for my studies?

Yes, I understand that I am already considered very fortunate as compared to many other ppl, because at least I still have a good diploma, and I still have pretty supportive parents.

(Morally supportive, but better than nothing.)

But that's at the best that I am feeling now. I am eager to get myself to think more optimistically, and cross all fingers and toes that things will just turn out well, and to cross the bridge as I get to it, but I seem to not be able to.

I tear at my hair in frustration and I have to bite my hand in case I scream out (not a good idea cos it is 1am now).

ARGGGHH!

Haiz.

Honestly, there is really nothing else that I want now I guess, but a job that earns me a lot. On a short term at least, this will be something that will cheer me up a considerably lot.

I want money!!!!

Eyes forced open

I just came back from lunch, leaving for my meal only at 2.30pm.

As predicted, the submission preparation took me the whole morning, partly because I am slightly in a dazed mode and partly because I am still very unfamiliar with the work process.

Over at here, my colleagues leave me alone to do my work when I least want them to. (And when I wish they buzz off they hover around me like irritating wasps.) For this submission, I was more or less on my own but I have the assurance that they will be answering my questions when I have them.

It makes me slightly less worrisome. Just slightly.

I prefer on job training like I always declare, and I hate it when colleagues bear the thinking of "you will learn as you go". Sure I will, together with bucketful of shit raining on me, yah?

I must leave on time today, for I am really, really tired. I am too tired to think of better words to describe my tiredness aptly. I am.. tired.

Someone pass me toothpicks can? =(

Ok, I must go back to do work, I have approximately another 20 hours worth of work unfinished.

(I was quite irritated when the gathering that was meant to be tonight was cancelled. But now I am absolutely thankful!)

I am superwoman issit?

***This post was sent via gmail on thurs night but it didnt appear on this blog. I am reposting it based on the sent email time.***

Look at what the time is it now? I am still in the office!! I am dead beat, and am just packing up to leave only.

LW asked me why dont I leave the work till tomorrow morning, since presentation is at 3pm (meaning have to finish at 2pm) only.

I told her because I seriously fear there will be sudden urgent stuff that demands my attention tomorrow and I will not be able to finish my presentation boards in time.

She nodded in agreement, and told me she will brief me on a project tomorrow, and she needs the drawing at 11am.

o.O

Thanks a lot. I am flattered that she thinks I am superwoman. I am almost crushed by the workload already. Save me can?

Skipped OT

I feel I am almost buried eyebrow deep in work these days, and it is making me very frustrated.

I have this tendency to finish whatever I have before I go for lunch, or go home, and this silly sense of responsibility really kills me sometime.

Like I would continuously work from 11pm through 7pm without a break more than a visit to the toilet; like I would sigh inwardly and accepted more work when LW assign although I am not able to finish; like I would stay to finish work even if I am dead tired and feeling feverish.

I have a submission on fri. When FC asked me whether the timing is ok, I sent a reply to his email saying "Shouldnt be a problem, unless something of sudden urgency comes up." This is really the case, because I can finish my work if they (*sticks out an index finger and points at everyone in a wide arc*) would stop pestering me!!!!

A : "Can help me do this XXX first? It is urgent!"

B : "Can help me do this YYY first? Shouldnt take more than 10 mins"

C : "Can help me print this file? It is in photoshop"

D : "Can draw this drawing for me? Dont worry, it is not urgent, we need it tomorrow at 12pm only. (Please note it was 5.45 then, official knock off time is 6.00.)

A : "Can do this ZZZ first? It is more important that XXX, now can? Now??"

C : "Sorry can help me print another copy like just now, also help me change the text from jun06 to jul06?"

E : "Can you come over here, we need to discuss project AAA."

A : "Have you done it? We need to send email to client already!"

D : "Meeting!! Come here!!"

F : "Can you print project BBB for me? Just print A3." (Prints and pick it up from printer and gives to her.) "Is this the latest amended version? (I DUNNO!!!!! THIS IS NOT MY PROJECT!!!!)

D : "Hey! Meeting!"

A : "I've got another drawing I need you to draw, have you finish the first two?" (HAVENT LAH! YOU TRYING TO TAKE MY LIFE ISSIT? TAKE IT LAH TAKE IT LAH!!!!)

E : "Hey! Meeting!"

A : "When you finish that two drawings can you send them to C?" (YOU DOWAN TO CHECK? YOU GOING HOME??!!?)

F : "Hey! Meeting!"

B : "How's project CCC coming? Can you help me scan this image and incorporate it into the presentation powerpoint?"

E : "By the way, where is the file for the corportate profile? (ON THE SERVER, IF NOT?) And yah, forgot to tell you, project DDD is tomorrow."

D : "Hey! Meeting!"


This is happening repeatedly for the past two days and I can never finish my work because not only saigang is constantly unloaded onto me, I had to stop and listen to everyone and attend to everyone's whimsical chanting that goes "I need it now".

I feel like I am burning from the front, back and middle, or rather, I feel A, B, C, D & E has already built a camp fire and is ready to throw me in.

But I will still take on the work as long as they assign to me even though I cannot finish them and I have to do OT before I can finish a pathetic 50%.

Today, the same thing happens, when everyone butts a bossy face in and request I do his/her stuff first. I am not davey jones leh, I dont have multiple tentacles to help me do my work faster!

I am so tired and pissed that I finished my work up to a certain level and I decided to leave and go shopping with peilin.

LW gave me a really pissed look when I told her I am leaving, as though I should leave since it was only 7pm. But what the hell? I have a life outside this job and I am determined to not give up my entire life for a stupid job like this.

Anyway, since fri is the submission, it is only ethical to stay OT tomorrow, and since I have to stay tomorrow, I couldnt possibly be staying tues, wed and thurs in a row what! I need to get away from work sometimes! Does the term "friend" sound even remotely familiar?

I am going to sleep already, will have to psych myself up to endure all the shit I will be getting tomorrow. Haiz!

Haunted office

You know your office is haunted when you :

1. feel chilling wind blowing at your body, arms, hair and everywhere and all your goosebumps rise.

2. hear a weird wooooooo sound that has the voice expression of a sigh.

3. your arms are on the table while your fingers are on the keyboard; your body is barely moving but out of the corner of your eye you see the drawn piece of tissue dancing merrily as if it possess life.

4. papers fly off your table like an angry arm had swept at it.


Should this happen to you, wear a talisman if you are a taoist or a buddhist, or hug your bible if you are christian or catholic.

Me? Oh you dont have to worry about me, what I need is some masking tape to seal up the aircon vent. -_-"

The aircon in my office is set to be 20 degrees throughout the day, regardless whether the sun is out or the rain is pouring.

If there is a ghost in the office, she is the one who turns it back to 20degrees every time I turn it up to a acceptable temperature of 25degrees.

I cannot comprehend their silly minds when they will turn the aircon to such freezing temperature, then they will each huddle in a thick jacket and shiver in unison when the temperature seemingly go down as their blood freezes in their veins.

Crazy women! They are crazy!

Someone round them up and throw them into the fireplace please. Witches must be burnt!

I am dead hungry

It's already 5pm! Arh fuck!

I hate this company! Keep piling things for me to do when they know very well I hadnt eat.

And no one cares whether I die of gastric pains or not, all they care about is whether the work is finished.

But this project isnt mine to fuckingly begin with!!!!

KNN!!!!!

Fuckingly hungry

I am so fuckingly hungry that I want to punch someone's face into back of his/her head.

It is 3.30 already!!!!!!

I feel like throwing up

I am in a depressingly bad mood today, partly because I seems to be sick and partly because I dont want to come to work.

I woke up with a heavy head and I tiredly swallowed my migraine pills and pills that curb my vomit urges (or so it claims), I also took some powdery off-the-shelf medicine in hope that double dosage of medicine will stop me from wanting to retch.

But in all honesty, it is not helping, I feel the urgent need to visit the sink, but yet I know I have nothing to throw up but the sour stomach juices.

I think by right I should sit by the sink in case I suddenly need to vomit and before I reach the sink I've threw up all over the ugly carpet floor.

Me have got no idea if you people had threw up before, but ok la, who hadnt? All of us are drinkers anyway.

But there was once I was feeling unwell after waking up from a small hangover and I dashed to the toilet bowl and tried to throw up.

But nothing was forced up despite the sick feeling, so I stood up and I started to wobble out of the toilet. I just took 2 steps away from the toilet bowl when I felt sick again, and before I could consciously react, I had bent forward and vomitted onto the bathroom floor.

There wasnt even enough time for me to turn around towards the toilet bowl again! Luckily I was in the bathroom though, so the mess was relatively easy to clear.

So should I lock myself in the toilet now?

I hope all of you who is reading is ready to vomit with me with my descriptions, I need your company.

*Sob* I am really not feeling well, I want to quit and go home and sleep can or not? =(

I still went

Despite me saying that I dont want to attend the gathering, I still turned up.

Dinner at pizza hut was like a insane rush to fill our stomaches, and honestly, I have no idea why we had to feed ourselves at jetplane speed.

The guys practically distributed the slices the moment the pan was set on the table, then urging the waitresses to clear them. Well, they must be hating to scorch the lovely restuarant table.

We polished the food off the plates, and while they chatted, I happily retreated spiritually to my handphone and pretended, as usual, that there was something extremely interesting in it.

Oh, I should say it is interesting huh, for david was trying to keep me entertained, knowing I was going to be very bored for the night.

(Hi david! Still reading this blog? Not sian meh? No worries, you will soon be. Haha.)

We headed over to rocher to eat dao huay after that. In the car (wilfred drove), the guys said something about me on our way to the shop which made me miffed. No, I am not going to repeat it here, I am just going to take it seriously to heart.

I remembered when I was in poly, a smart aleck once passed some remarks about me which initially got me really peeved. I was only furious for a short while, but for the remaining 2yrs+ in school, I never talked to him again until he once openly apologised to me.

I mentioned before that I am such a weirdo that, I can take jokes, yes I can, but to a certain level only. Cross this line and you will see an imaginary hand slap you across the face when I retaliate though just verbally. My selection of vocabulary is usually targetted to cause the most embarrassement and pain, so dont try me.

Half the time I play the fool in front of friends for I know I have a tendency to scare people when I am too serious. I harden my voice, throw a sideward glance that says "Keep out, biting dog within" and will begin to snub you with my air of incensed vibes.

That is why I tend to keep quiet a good amount of time when I am with friends whom dunno me well. Seriously, it is not a good idea to break any relationships with friends because of my lousy temper.

Oh, I digressed.

We ate dao huay and headed to tiong bahru to watch pirates of the caribbean. Honestly, it is much nicer than I expected, but then again, I seldom hold high expectations for movies. The movie is a good 2.5 hours long and the seat in the theatre was very uncomfortable, my butt was all numb and I had to hold my bladder as I was sitting in the middle of the row.

I almost fell asleep during some parts of the show because I am really too tired and sleepy, but luckily I didnt, or it will be disgraceful.

I didnt then but I am going to fall asleep now. Good night!

Nice wallpapers

Because my computer was reformatted, I lost many softwares that I downloaded and installed over the past year.

One of them is webshots. I look at my cleaned up desk top and I simply couldnt stand the emptiness, but yet I think I dont want to install webshots again.

But because of work, I came to know about this website and the wallpapers are actually a display of the company's products. TAK sells laminates for cabinets and etc (think formica) and they laminate ranges are the prettiest among the whole market.

Well, I think so. =)

I am currently using this one :

How?

I am such an indecisive person that sometimes I cant stand myself.

Like I previously posted, en'en and the rest are organising a dinner gathering this fri and I had already turned it down.

But becase I need to borrow something from slt, I was wondering whether I should still meet up for dinner with them all the same.

Otherwise it feels like a very laboured effort, make my way down there, say hi, take my stuff and say bye.

My biggest obstacle now is that I dont really want to have dinner with them. I think we will run out of topics as usual and it will be getting very uncomfortable as we all stab at our empty plates, while trying desperately to find things to talk about.

I can only endure such torturous meals for a few times, and I always need to brace myself before attending dinners with them. And this few days I am not in the mood to prepare for war and therefore I am certainly not looking forward to it.

I miss dinner with lao da and andy, where we can just crap nonstop, or I can sit back and watch they two of them in their conversation, without feeling left out myself.

I think en'en will not be happy if I say I am not turning up simply because I dont feel like going. But I dont believe in lying to them, for en'en and the bunch are still friends, and what maketh a person who lies to friends?

Sigh. How?

After using for around 1 hr

I am happy to inform that my comp is fine.

Yay!

I had to do setting up after my comp was fetched back from the comp shop and the setting up of internet/modem took me one hour.

When it was finally done, I had to install mozilla, opera, etc and that took me another 1 hr.

But it is fine now, very empty but of course very clean, which is certainly a good thing. I am just so pleased to get back my internet access, so I am not complaining for ALL THE MONEY I FUCKINGLY SPENT!

*Smiles*

Blog more tmr, now I need to recreate my bookmark toolbar. =)

Not joining the gathering

En'en initiated a dinner gathering this fri, using a sum of money which is pretty much 来历不明. I usually would happily accept the invitation, especially when it is one that I neednt pay for.

I am such a cheapo that I am ashamed of myself sometimes, but the guilty feeling usually give way after a few minutes, for that is only how long my conscience can stretch.

But I've decided not to turn up this fri.

I had been experiencing an overwhelming amount of negative feelings these days, may it be anger, sadness, helplessness, I am unable to cope with any of them.

I dont think I want to meet them and then ended up using smoking breaks as an excuse to get away when I dont want to talk. Like how it had been for the past few times.

So I think it is surely a better idea to not join them, but go home and sleep.

I dont need friends, I just need to be left alone so that no one can witness my depressed self.

Tao Zhe's birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

*Gushes like a 12 year old*

I really like you! Write and sing many more wonderful songs ok? I'll be your supporter for as long as you are talented. =)

Still not home yet

My comp needs to go through reformatting. I rushed down to the comp shop after work yesterday to back up all my files, then watched the comp guy mimick sharpening a knife.

Sigh, his sense of humour is not bad, but I am not really in the mood for games.

I hope it will be fine by today.

But to be fair, because it is not home yesterday, I slept at 12am, something I hadnt done for a long time.

But still, I didnt sleep well. My sleep quality is detoriating these days, having many dreams throughout the night affected the level of quality sleep I get.

I tend to wake up after every dream, or is it because I woke up that's why I remembered I dreamt?

I can be awaken up to 5 times a night! Hardly surprising why my dark circles is growing to be more prominent these days.

Extremely bored

You can tell how little there is to do in the company when you see me blogging entries after entries everyday.

If you are thinking "No what, only 2 or 3 what", I'll like to tell you that I am not blogging more mainly because I can only say I am bored these many times a day before I am struck by lightning.

ARGGHHH!!

Latest: The computer guy says my comp is down with a virus and he needs to reformat it! Noooo!!

All my files, all my pictures, all my music, all my installed softwares, all my everything!

I want to cry.

I need my internet!

It is nearly 4pm and by another 2 hrs or so I will be able to go home.

And I am praying feverishly that my internet connection is already done up for me at the computer shop and my bro just need to pick it up, plug it in and tada~!!

I really hope so.

No, I cant do another day without my internet. I am dying soon!

I am so traumatised that I have been having nighmares these days, nightmares that include me walking 20 mins everyday back to the damn company during my lunch to help them do quotations.

And I would be enjoying it so much that I always stay beyond the 20 mins that I should (for I need 20 mins per trip and only 1 hr lunch) and then I will rush back to work, only to get scolded.

Great! I am really thinking wild thoughts already.

Give me back my internet and I think I will regain some sanity.

No internet

My internet is still down, so I wrote this entry. Click here.

I would be able to blog from email when I am at work, but I am counting on my comp to be working later. It had to be, because if it isnt, I will burn down the computer shop.

No internet for kanigi = angry kanigi

Singnet is fucked up again

I lost my internet connection yday, and in my haste to revive it, I tried to troubleshoot.

I unplugged the telephone lines and replug them firmly in, and the modem lost all of its signals. I tried whatever I can to get it up again, and yada yada yada, and now modem is spoilt I think.

All because of the lousy internet connection that was lost, I attempted to reconfigure my modem. But it turns out that my comp and modem was actually ok, but singnet was down for the whole night yday!

Tamade. Dio pian!

I hate the stupid singnet.

If I didnt manage to revive the internet tonight, that means I will be bored to death this weekend without my internet access.

Damn you, singnet.

Romanised hokkien

Just before I leave for the day, I must mention that I find it exceptionally comfortable to speak and hear hokkien, and hence I like to type some of my messages in hokkien too.

If you refer to my older entries, my 'shoutout' entries are usually my display nick on msn, an entire phrase in hokkien, typed in hanyu pinyin.

But I just realised it is not hanyu pinyin hokkien also, cos I dont follow the hanyu pinyin rules strictly, but will type it to make it sound as close to the original pronounciation as possible.

For example: "terng chu". It is not 'teng chu' cos there is a distinctively 'r' sound in the pronounciation.

Hence I realised I romanised hokkien! Like ppl would romanise japanese lyrics and korean lyrics, I romanise hokkien conversation!

I super bo liao, I realised, but that's me! *Waves bye bye, I'm going home.*

Woot! I've got a sweet voice wor!

You all probably know that I have to answer phone calls in this job as well, as part of the 'ad-hoc' duties.

I seldom get to answer the calls, partly because there isnt many calls in the first place (please note that I am NOT saying that my company's business is bad, *sneaky eyes*) and also because I'll never win any games if there's a faster fingers first.

But I answered a call today, and as per my ex ex job's (the banking one) training, I acknowledge calls by "Good morning, XXX (my coy's name)."

This is actually a subtle version already, because I used to go "Good morning, XXX (bank's name). This is kanigi, how can I assist you?"

But I guess not many people answer calls these way, because my colleagues usually go "HAR-LOH!"

So this morning when I answer a call with "Good morning, XXX", the person on the other end was silent.

Kanigi : "Hi, good morning! This is XXX, you are?"

Guy : Who are you!!

Kanigi : I'm kanigi, you are...?

Guy : I thought who leh! No one ever answer the call with such a gentle voice in this company!

Kanigi : Haahaa.

Turns out he is a colleague lah, that explains why he was very shocked when I answered the call. He probably thought the cheapskate company hired a receptionist.

When he returned to the company just now, he complimented on my voice again, saying I sound very sweet.

Hahaha, havent been receviving compliments about my voice in ages! I'm happy! =)

I am bored, hence I blog

I had been almost doing nothing for the past two days at work.

This is not making me feeling very pleased at all, trust me, for I am so bored that mushrooms are threatening to grow out from my ears.

Since there is nothing to do, or rather, the only thing that I need to do is totally pointless and deadline-less and etc, I can only do it slowly so that it can occupy the whole of my day. Or in this case, whole of my two days.

Oh... By tomorrow I might strike off the above and change it to 'three days'.

I am currently blogging via gmail, since this company is weird in that sense that it is perfectly fine to use msn or check email, but it is not fine to be doing anything else. I wish I can be daring enough to play games here, but I think that would be already too much.

But honestly, I saw my design manager surf youtube on tuesday. I was rushing a deadline but she was happily watching those uploaded videos. I thought then, that the next time when she is very busy and me very free, I will dice a few tofu cubes in preparation of my yong tau foo dinner.

Talk about being too free at work.

Well, for the past hours I had been doing myself a favour. I had been reading up at wikipedia on topics like architects and achitecture. I studied a lot about them while I was in school, but recently it seems that I've forgotten a big part of it!

I must refresh my memory, so I busied myself with the reads. Excuse me for a while!

Aw FUCK!

I fell down when I brought rubbish out to throw just now. All of you know how I hate the bins duty and when I picked myself up, my colleague who was smoking by the side told me I slipped on an orange!!!

What the fuck?

I looked to the floor and see a HALF ORANGE! It is not a single piece of orange skin, mind you, it is a half orange!

These people are fucked up. The bin is right by the side and they chose to throw the fucked up orange beside it and not into it.

I immediately flared up at myself and exclaimed, too loud, that THIS PLACE IS FUCKED UP!!! and I stomped back into the office and cry.

I know it is just a fucking fall, no fucking big deal, not like it hurts more as compared to me smashing my head against the ground when I fell in my bike lessons.

But the point is, I wouldnt have if it's not for the clearing of the rubbish, or for the inconsideration of the ppl here, I wouldnt have that mishap. The people here are so typical! Bossy, inconsiderate, crappy.

I wish I have a good job offer now and I can throw the resignation in someone's face.

Ok la, no blood ran, but I've got some bruise on my kneecaps. I still can walk, but I am in a really lousy mood now. Thanks a lot, what a good start to 23. Is this an omen or what?

The last 30 mins

Earlier I was counting down the hours before I am no longer 22, and I felt quite lousy because I've grown a year older.

I wish I stay 22 forever.

And forever be able to raise my hand when david tao asked in his concerts "WHO IS 22!!" when he sing "er shi er".

After this 30 mins I cant do that anymore, unless I lie of course.

It is a little sad to remember that, I know it is silly but I really feel a tinge of regret, possibly because I didnt attend his concert last dec when I can rightfully raise my hand.

But then I remember my favourite person left me this yr, and suddenly I wish 22 is quickly over and no more people whom I care about would leave me.

And then I recall. There isnt anyone else whom I care about anymore.

Last day to be 22

I am My birthday is tomorrow on 4th July, hence today is the last day that I am 22.

Someone told me before that once after 21, life zooms past your eyes very quickly, so I guess it is at the speed of diarrhoea.

And I already feel it. I guess before long I will be an old spinster and since that is going to happen, I will start to find another pathetic woman who is suffering from the same fate.

I need someone to share the rent of the one room flat.

Anyone want to volunteer? =)

Temper thrown

I got to know a person over internet recently and he had my hp number but we merely crap over sms. Before any of you are happy for me to find a possible mate, please know that he is younger than me and he is no more than a xiao didi to me.

The reason why I still give him my hp number was merely because he is childish enough to make me laugh. These are the type of people who are aplenty in my hp list, people whom I got to know via mediums like friendster but will never eventually escalate to be my friends.

Ironic I know, but life is like this.

I usually just reply to his sms with an 'ok' or a 'haha' but there was once I think I mentioned a little too much about how pissed I am about life. I didnt go into depth, but my vibes are always strong remember? He immediately sent me a flux of smses to ask me if I am ok.

I hate it when people asked me about my well-being excessively. I know I have some psychiatric problems but who doesnt have them? My difference with the rest of the people is that I admit my problems, although I dunno how to solve them.

So what if I am not ok? It is my problem!

He called my a moment ago and requested I give him 5 mins. He even said that I owed him as much because I once promised to call him but never did.

He kept saying then that he thinks I should be a happy person and wanted to chat directly over the phone with me. I rejected many times but eventually I felt bad and promised I will call him. But honestly, I was feeling "Why should I? Just because you like my smile and I looked happy in the picture doesnt mean I am a joyous person by default."

Oh, and one thing that I was irked was that he kept referring to me as his jie. Come on! What age is this, what is with acknowledging sisters? That is just so lame!

So when he called, I put on my best pretentious voice and asked him why is he calling. He immediately said he hopes I am not offended and told me that he felt I have some hidden secrets in me that makes me withdrawing from everyone else.

And a lot more in the same line.

When he suddenly realised I went quiet, he asked me why wasnt I talking. An edge came into my voice as I told him "Because..I..am..listening."

He was smart enough to catch my anger all at once, and he apologised. I paused for a second before lashing out at the top of my voice.

I asked him who was he to judge? Just because we chatted so non-commitantly over sms a few times and he felt he knows me already? Just because a single sentence that I revealed about myself and he understand what I am going through? Just because he knew I hope the man in my life to be mature (I offhandedly mentioned once) and he presume I need a lot of attention?

What the fuck.

I screamed at him for one minute straight, something I hadnt do for sometime, and he hung up in fear.

TAMADE.

Stop judging me! Who was he to judge? Or who was anyone to judge?

My birthday karaoke gathering

Foremost, thanks mashi for accompanying me for the whole evening and night. Mashi drove me there, and drove me and my friends home without a complain. I was giving so much attention to lao da because I hadnt seen him for ages. Sorry to neglect you.

But you had been very nice about it still. That is so sweet of you. =)

Thanks lao da for making it a point to come down despite just touching down in singapore. Thanks for the present. It brought a smile to my face.

Thanks ina, iris, mh, jnce, ncn, wilfred, kt, ec, phua and michael for the voucher. I'll be getting my neeon soon! =)

I had fun tonight! The turnup had been really poor but it is also good that I can save on the money. I invited around 15 person and I was expecting the damage to be $300. But in the end I spent $150 only.

Attendance had just been myself, mashi, lao da, ina, iris, slt, jnce and bernard (jnce's beau).

Ok, $150 is equivalent to the voucher amount I received, so it is almost like I could just spent the money directly on the neeon.

But well, birthday celebrations are not quite the same without friends and without some monetary loss. Hahaha.

I could choose not to treat, but I think it is not nice for ppl to buy my birthday present for me and yet they have to pay to attend the birthday celebration.

I know the rest are doing that. I dont think it is wrong, nor I think it is right. But personally, it is just a choice I made after justifying with myself.

Originally I thought I shouldnt treat even though I wanted to, so as not to 'spoil the market' for the birthdays upcoming. But when I saw the pathetic turn up today, I felt I should, because comparatively, these are the ppl who made special effort for me.

Lao da came at 9am, much earlier than I expected. Like I mentioned above, I think I spent way too much time talking to him tonight, catching up on crap and listening to him render his jacky cheung's songs beautifully.

So much so that I neglected mashi. SORRY AGAIN! =(

Lao da got me a bottle of absolut ruby red. It brought a giant grin to my face. When I was drunk at my last company's christmas party, I called him in my stupor and blabber nonsense to him. Trust him to select a gift that is so apt, and I thought he already forgot about that matter! Haha.

I introduced him to everyone as my best friend from poly. I think even lao da is shocked to hear that cos while we are good friends, we are not 'best friends' in the context of sharing everything about life with each other. But it is also relative la, cos he is the best friend because I hadnt have other friends in school.

Pathetic me.

Lao da still sing beautifully as usual and everyone urged me to get lao da to sign up for the next jue dui superstar. He is definitely of superstar material! =)

In retrospective, I think it is a good thing that not many people turned up cos everyone would have less chance to sing. And a simple gathering with lao da immediately distinguish the difference of relationship I held with various friends. With lao da every conversation can be crappy but it is entirely comfortable.

With some other friends, I personally felt I tried too hard as I obsessed with the 'silence's like a cancer growth' worry. As a result, I always try to fill up conversation gaps.

Back to lao da. Our 爱呢 was really bad! Gosh, and I was still telling mashi that lao da is the only one who can coordinate the song with me when the lyrics overlapped in wild frenzies.

But our 你最珍贵 was a winner in my biased opinion. Haha. He is still the best when it comes to singing jacky cheung's songs.

I even jested to mh that lao da is THE 歌神, partly because he sings so well, and partly because he sings jacky cheung's songs so very well.

I mean that. From bottom of my heart. =)