I realised there is this pattern

I realised there is this pattern I have in my life. On monday I will recount how I hate my current job and life (17jul, 26jun, 19jun or 12jun) and I will pass my week complaining and complaining. When fri and sat is finally here, I forced myself to enjoy my gatherings with friends (jul15, jul2 or 24jun)

I can only enjoy my fri and sat effectively for at the most 24 hours, then I started feeling dreary about needing to go to work on monday again (11jun).

**Blogger hang on me, and I thought I lost this post, phew...***

This repeated cycle drains me out, and I feel so helpless sometimes that I want to cry. If not for the nagging reminder at the back of my brain, I would have spent all my savings on drinking and smoking. These two activities takes my mind off matters, unfortunately they can already be costing me around $150 per month when I am not heavily indulging.

How can I fully embrace this lifestyle?

Oh, and peilin asked me that day that why is drinking fun? I told her like smoking, it takes matters off mind, and gives me the chance to let go of things. She asked me what was I letting go of and what is remaining at the end? I couldnt answer her then for I was too lazy to think.

Drinking/smoking allows me to let go of pressing issues that is swimming in my head. It is like how sports takes your mind off things, or how doing something (or anything) else does it.

But drinking is different because when one is intoxicated, your mind stops to function properly and you wont be thinking about all the worries you have.

Ok, end of digression.

When I was out with mashi yesterday for karaoke, she expressed her disbelief why am I still hanging out in this job when I am obviously unhappy.

I told her because I hadnt found a new job yet, I cant be leaving and be without salary.

She told me I had always managed to find jobs very quickly, and I really neednt worry about not being able to find a job quickly. I agree with her regarding this, but I am facing another problem because I dont know what I want to do should I leave here.

For there is an ultimate dream job that I want to achieve, and hence currently whatever job I am doing is just a temporary hideout. You can say that I can spend this period of time -- before I get to work that dream job -- doing jobs that are interesting, but because I need a good pay if not how am I ever going to save up enough for my studies?

Yes, I understand that I am already considered very fortunate as compared to many other ppl, because at least I still have a good diploma, and I still have pretty supportive parents.

(Morally supportive, but better than nothing.)

But that's at the best that I am feeling now. I am eager to get myself to think more optimistically, and cross all fingers and toes that things will just turn out well, and to cross the bridge as I get to it, but I seem to not be able to.

I tear at my hair in frustration and I have to bite my hand in case I scream out (not a good idea cos it is 1am now).

ARGGGHH!

Haiz.

Honestly, there is really nothing else that I want now I guess, but a job that earns me a lot. On a short term at least, this will be something that will cheer me up a considerably lot.

I want money!!!!