$16.40's counseling cost

I took a cab to work today, partly because I worked at home till 1am yesterday, and partly because I took bloody ages to get ready in the morning.

The trip cost $16.40, 10 times of what I would had paid if I had taken the bus.

But I had a good chat with the driver uncle. We chatted, very generally, about my job, and I hadnt even air my grievances (something I do to every unsuspecting listening ear I come by these days) when he immediately told me that he can tell I am getting very frustrated with work.

I stopped and listened to myself, and realise that I without even talking specifically about work, I sounded exactly as pathetic as I hate it. My voice was nearing a whine, and I was punctuating my sentences with one sigh in the front, one down the middle, and one to close the statement.

Driver uncle told me that as long as it doesnt affect me adversely, whatever I am trying to do extra for the company, regardless I did it to prove my worth, or did it to spite someone, or whatever, should be cut down to the minimum. After I completed the range of work that I am expected to, I just need to stop.

If I can go on, great. If not, forget it.

Sounds like great advice. Now all I have to think about, is exactly where does my range of work starts, and do I even see its end.

Or am I missing the point altogether?

Missed

I spotted a cockroach in the living room and begged my brother to kill it.

And he missed. It is damn big lor. How is it possible to miss?

*Forgive me for sounding so ungrateful. I'm terrified of the species, remember?*

Sigh, I wont get to sleep tonight le lor. Sibei sian.

Tudou: On The First Beat

As of 17 June - Completed Episode 1
As of 22 June - Completed Episode 6
As of 23 June - Completed Episode 10
As of 24 June - Completed Episode 12
As of 26 June - Completed Episode 15
As of 29 June - Completed Episode 21

Screw up at work

I made a grave mistake at work, something that even I couldnt believe had happen. My boss is absolutely angry with me.

I dont want to talk about it anymore.

I am very upset it, and kept thinking why did this occur. I sat at at park near my block for 1 hour, cried my eyes out, and seek solace with a friend over the phone. Then I took the opportunity to review my life.

My conclusion is, I think too highly of myself, and took on too much job responsibilities, making myself so worn out, so burnt.

With each notch of energy I contributed to this job, I am also taking one notch of energy I had meant for other things. I no longer had the energy to go out with friends. I have so much to do but I cant find the energy to do anything, in short.

I should give myself a break.

不小心）让一个人走出我的生命

昨晚，我不小心伤了个男生的心。

我和他曾经约着出去看戏，吃饭等等，算是很正常，健康的约会吧。可是最后那次是半年前，那次过后，有一次我们约出去的时候，我到达了目的地，他才以简讯告诉我他得陪妈妈看医生，不能来了。

我气愤地打电话给他（连电话都不敢打来，而是用简讯道歉，算什么？），他重新解释一次，然后并没有说要我等一下，2个小时后到或什么的。可能他也不会知道我宁可自己去逛逛，耐心的等他来，毕竟我们当时即使认识了蛮久，他也未必完全了解我。

他就一昧的道歉，然后告诉我隔天回答给我。

我气坏了。我忙，他是知道的。当天的约会，我们也约了3，4个礼拜，才终于敲定那天。我们每次出去要约时间，都很不容易。

我过后再也没有打给他。我没有时间耗。我不想我努力腾出来的时间被这样浪费掉。我没有说那是他的错，只是觉得我们这样麻烦的做出安排，被取消了，他也不觉得可惜。

反正还后很多别的细节。太懒惰讲全套故事。

这两个月，他突然又发简讯给我发的很勤。想找我出去，可是我真的很忙。昨晚他打给我，告诉我他希望我们能在一起，说他这几个月即使没有联络我，他都一直在想要如何告诉我他的感情。

他很想要个答案，我却只能说，我现在对他，没有特别喜欢，也没有特别不喜欢，感觉就是平常再平常不过，普通再普通不过。我也很老实的对他说，半年前如果他直接一点告白，纵然我们不能马上在一起，也不会像现在这么疏远。

我当时可能对他有好感，可是半年后的今天，我找不回来了。

爱情是一种冲动。过了那个关键时刻，就很难重燃。我喜欢被人喜欢的感觉，可是我不想浪费他的时间，所以我告诉他我们应该是不可能了。他哽咽，我很紧张，但完全不会觉得心痛，所以我知道我现在对他真的没感觉的。

我并不是在分发安慰奖，可是我觉得我们还是朋友，所以问他要不要我们以朋友的身份一起吃个饭。他拒绝了。（想想，我好像很不上道，这个时候问这个问题。。）

我想，我又不小心让一个人走出我的生命。

Tiny strips

I lost my temper again at work. I dont mean to, but everyone one is demanding my attention, but I am only one person, and cannot be split down into tiny strips to be equally distributed among people.

If they understand that and try to solve their own problem, instead of asking me for every tiny obstacle they face, I wouldnt had been so irritable.

I should feel honoured at the fact that I am needed, but I know for sure they are asking for me simply because they cannot be bothered to use their brain and wants me to deplete my limited braincells instead.

How selfish.

Still doing OT

Try as I might, I still cannot get away from OT. Sigh.

Why does everyone gets to leave on time and I have to do OT? I'm so sick of this.

I know it is not very late, and today cannot be considered as a disaster yet. But I want SO much to leave on time, or at least, not be the last to leave.

No such luck.

Looking a mess

Boss is complaining that my hair is looking a mess. Hallo, not like I'd plenty of time to go for a haircut, had I?

Sheesh.

I dont feel well

As above.

Tudou: When Rules Turn Loose

As of 14 June : Completed Episode 11
As of 18 June : Completed

Going home

I am finally on my way home. That marks one of the craziest OT I'd ever done. In short, I'd done a total of 13 hours.

Actually, it seems worst the other time round, when I worked 6pm till 7am for OT for my previous job. But for yesterday, it was built on the fact that I worked till 1am for OT on thurs, and I slept for 3 hours that night. Also building on the fact that I'd been sleeping for less than 5 hours each day for the whole week....

I am feeling under the weather, not knowing is it due to the stress, or due to the simple fact that I lack snooze.

But I'm damn glad that I've tudou with me. Haha. I dont really watch it, but having sounds around me, helps, to speak the least.

It dispels the loneliness I feel when I work alone, but yet doesnt require attention, like colleagues would.

Thank goodness.

Overnight

I met up with friend yesterday for a drink, then followed by a movie. The whole session started at 9pm and ended at 2am. After which, to the surprise of the boys, I insisted on returning to office to continue with my work.

That was 6 hours ago. Now I am STILL in the office.

Sometimes I dont know how I do it.

黑眼圈）和疲累程度成正比

人越不够睡，越是疲惫。

不够睡，黑眼圈越是明显。

我每天早上花上 20 分钟用遮瑕膏企图盖掉黑眼圈，但是都是徒劳无功的。看见我的人都爱问我为什么看似越来越累？ 黑眼圈越来越严重？

叹气。

我记得从前读书的时候，有一度连续 4 个晚上没睡觉，过后眼睛干到不受控制的流泪。我现在有相同的感觉。不过这次，我不知道有没有参杂悲伤的成分。我淡淡的感觉到一阵辛酸，好象想起了我这么努力并不等于终究会有好回报。