Latest 9 pairs of earrings

Among which I like it these best.

Again, you may see it here.

Ar Nic

This boy ar, he play pinball and score better scores than me! Sickening. How can a 4 yr old win the reflexes of a 22?

But then again, never in my life had I ever win a person at pinball. -_-" My reflexes are lousy, so what?

(Picture is blurred cos ar nic turned around unexpectedly and scared me.)

Ar nic is so cute! I guess his mother wont be too bu shuang abt me posting his pics since she parade this cute boy around anyway. Once we went to southaven and while she was trying on clothes, I was trying to keep ar nic from dashing around the store while taking care of the shopping bags.

Ok, I do admit I was the role of the maid there and then. -_-"

But no need for my presence, for the store assistant ladies were keeping him entertained, asking him what's his name and blah blah, and punctuate 'he's so cute', 'so clever', 'so handsome', yadayada among his every baby-talk and his poses. Ar nic basked in all the attention and never once did attempt to barge into the changing room.

Ok la, once. Hee.

But he really is very cute, just now he whisper in my ear and tell me, 'Ah yi, can go your house? I want to play that game that da jiu teach me to play.'

Dunno la, but to hear a coherent sentence from a four yr old is really surprising mah.

Everytime he goes near a computer, he will get stuck and refused to get his butt off the seat. Then when you tell him, 'Ar nic, mummy say must go bath.'

He will reply '10 more minutes can?'

Tell him cannot, now! He will reply '9 minutes?'

And he will continue to bargain until you relent, say to around 5 minutes. Then after 5 minutes, he will say '5 more minutes please.'

-_-"

Found le!

A way to clear blackheads.

讯息来自：美麗藝能界

1. 白芷粉+牛奶+(精油)
2. 綠豆粉+牛奶+(精油)
次數：一個禮拜敷兩次
時間：大概敷十分鐘
洗淨：用清水清洗就可以

精油的話可以加也可以不加
因為綠豆粉和白芷粉都是屬於乾性的
如果加一點點精油不但會香香的也會比較滋潤哦
也可以敷在身上但是時間也一樣大約十分鐘
十分鐘的時候大概就會乾乾的就可以清水洗淨囉
不要敷太久不然會把臉上應有的油脂和水份都給帶走
反而就會臉皮就會變得乾乾囉..

Can read the forum discussions here.

And yay! Found the english name for 白芷!!

Radix Angelicae
Dahuricae
Angelica dahurica Dahurian angelica root /
Taiwan angelica root
白芷

Taken from this pdf.

美麗藝能界's forum. Very interesting de wor! =)



I've got someone to buy the bai zhi fen for me and I've tried out the mixture. Not too bad. Think I will try again sometime next wk.

Also, heard of a new way to remove blackheads.

Use some part of an egg white, smear gao gao on where there is blackheads and cover with a piece of facial blotter. Then when it is dried, tear it off bottom upwards.

Will try this soon too. =)

I know I very jian la

But I dowan to do things against my wishes mah.

I was supposed to be meeting the insurrance agent today, the same one who said I look like a poly student. (Nevermind real or not la hor?)

I first met her on a monday, 11jul, and because I very eng, so I stopped to listen to her. Later we arranged to meet on the following tuesday again.

That day I originally dowan to go, but arranged liao le mah, and I was free also, so I still turned up. Spent around 2 hours there leh, listen to her talk and I had to feed information too.

I am not tt kind of person who like to talk so much about myself la. I can be fun to be with, but I dont like to be disclosing things about myself as an obligation. Sometimes with certain people, say lao da, andy, wanxin, esther, peilin etc, I find myself saying more and more and more, as though I want to 把心掏出来给他们一样.

But to other people I dowan leh. Therefore I feel very sian when this insurrance agent keep asking questions. Sian diao!

Then she arranged for me to finish this questionaire on my spending and saving habits and to meet her today after work at 6:45.

I never start on the questionaire at all, and this morn at 7.50am I smsed her to infm her I forgot to bring the file to work cos I've forgotten my diskette.

She said ok lor, will call me next mon again to arrange. I think I will start to avoid her calls le. At the present moment I really dowan to do any planning, especially when my job 快要不保了.

Also I am sick of people telling me they think I am a happy person. Happy-go-lucky la, cheerful la, fun la, and whatever fuck.

I can act as much as I want and I tend to switch to auto acting mode (or known as happy mode too) whenever I am with people that I am not very sek with. To 90% of the people who knows me, they think I am happy. Sick leh. Why is it that I need to act so much?

Suan le, over jiu over le. Tomorrow I am deciding whether I should be going to sing k or go see jue dui superstars with camilla. But leh, I think the supporters of derrick are all very young lor, I am going to look like a out-of-place old frog here. *kua kua kua*

So I shall be going to sing k. Need to practice first before going with camilla and kitty next week to avoid commiting audio homicide.

After which I will buy lunch home, eat le, upload my pics from digital cam, and wait to watch mei li yi neng jie at 4.30. Yay! =)

And my earrings came. I bidded for 9 pairs for $11.50 inclusive of postage. Out of 9 pairs, I like 8, there is one tt I dont like, but nevermind ar, still very nice!! =)

Tomorrow will upload the pics, 我已经迫不急待的 took all the pictures of the latest earrings. Hee.

Cakes courtesy of lynnette

Hallo hallo!

Person 1 : A mother
Person 2 : A daughter
and Me.

Mother: Hallo
Me: Hallo, can I... (wanted to say, "Hallo, can I speak to XXX pls?)
Daughter: Hallo
Mother: Who's this?
Daughter: Ma~?
Me: Sorry, but may I speak...
Mother: (Butts in) Eh, where are you now huh?
Me: (Confused) Hmm, huh?!?
Daughter: Ma, you outside?
Mother: No, I'm at home lah!
Daughter: Wait, which home, ah ma there?
Mother: No. HERE at home.
Me: Hmmm, ehhh sorry to interr...
Daughter: I'm home also leh, then where are you calling from?
Mother: Me? I answering call leh, you call one leh~
Daughter: No leh, I answered call leh, you call back one leh! You blur ar?
Me: I am really sorry to interrupt, but can I speak t....
Daughter: Ma, you got hear that?
Mother: Ya, how come got another voice?
Daughter: Someone beside you?
Mother: No~ you got friends beside you?
Me: I'm sorry, but..
Daughter: EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mother: *Gasp*

-Line went dead-

I hope they are not too traumatised.
-_-"

Sleepy

After many late night stints, I ended up not being able to sleep last night.

Me la, for the whole of my block leave, never once did I sleep before 3 am in the morn, I even slept at 6am once after a long conversation on msn with vincent.

I laid on my tee lam and got increasingly angered because I cant fall asleep! I am to wake up by 6am in the morning but by 2 am I am still trying to force myself to sleep. Really kns.

Dreamt of many little dreams but all are seemingly happy dreams.

Digress, digress!!
While I am in poly, there was once I had a major arguement with a coursemate. This guy is the hao hao xian sheng in class and I am kind of the bitch la. Because of the ultra load of work, I was constantly snapping and I was most unforgiving when people give me slip shod work.

Up to now I still dunno why he was angry with me, but it started innocently enough. We were supposed to be doing site investigation at clark quay and this senior was taking the pics. She developed a whole set of photographs and labelled it and told us to give her a list of photos that we want so that she can bring it for developing together.

That was before digital cameras were widely available la.

So I asked this guy, so which photos he wants? He ignored me.

Wo jiu suan le lor, after a while I tested waters again and asked him which photos he wanted? He ignore me again. I bu shuang lor, so I just left things as it is and went back to do my stuff.

An hour, later he came and ask me...
...
..
.
what photos that I want to develop.

I immediately retorted (in the line la, maybe 8641 times fiercer I also dunno la) "Kao, ask you dowan to say, now you come ask me."

With that he immediately threw everything on my table and slammed the door as he left the studio.

Less that 2 hours later, everyone in the class ostracised me.
I understand also la, when mojojojo and hallo kitty argued, everyone will immediately associate that mojojojo is being the huai dan again.

Ok lor.

The point is, that period of time, my life was in a disarray. I was merely 18 then, and friends are too important to me.

I would dread to go to school because in my small cohord, this guy is doing almost all projects with me, pair, threes, groups, etc. The moment we fall out, I know I was dead.

Literally so in my dreams.

In my dream, I was standing in front of my house's door but the environment is the poly's building. I was standing beside a flight of steps and I watch my elder brother walking down this flight of steps.

In reality my house is on the 3rd floor and the corresponding area of school appearing in my dream is on the 2nd floor.

Yet while I saw my brother walking down the flight of steps I know I am on the 9th storey and he is walking down from the 10th story.

I walked parallel to my brother as he continued to walk down. I need to turn right and do a u-turn up the stairs so that I can go up to the 10th storey.

By the moment I reached that 'bottom of the stairs', my brother was already standing there. In the place of the stairs leading from 10th storey, now there is a flight of steps double in width going downwards.

I indignantly asked him why I cant go upstairs to the 10th storey? I want to go up!!!

He matter-of-factly told me...
... that I am already dead downstairs and I must go down.

你已经死在楼下了，所以你要下去！

Damn scary.

Freaked me out for very long. The same phrase of time I kept getting dreams about me dying, falling to death, shot down by stray bullets, etc etc.

But eventually I started reading up on dreams interpretations and I realised to dream of death it means that you should be preparing yourself for a new start.

And so I did.

I picked myself up and I began to do all projects myself and joined another team to do projects for those group projs.

=)

Aiyah, enough of digressions.
Was saying, didnt sleep well yesterday, so just now I slept my way home on the bus. That is very usual cos I do it all the time. But because it was raining today, the skies were exceptionally overcasted and the fucked bus was covered with advertisements, making it impossible for me to see the outside of the fucked bus at all.

In the end leh, I slept all the way until the bus parked in the bay. -_-"
I was sleepy la, but because I have the habit of sleeping and waking up throughout the journey, so I almost never miss my stop.

Unless I am dead asleep. Once I was so asleep on mrt that I slept all the way to boon lay station and when the mrt driver woke me up I was absolutely dazed! But that's another story.

I absolutely blamed it on the stupid bus being covered totally in advertisement film stickers. Jian leh. Cover the whole stupid bus for what fuck?


Hen sheng qi!

Flurry of msn conversations.

For very long, I havent been so busy. Of course not busy as in work related, but busy as in so many people talking to me at the same time on msn. 5 people leh!!!

Wha, I'm popular ok! Hee like real.

Was talking to wanxin about random boliao stuff, including how I am ok le. Told her I cried like crazy tues or wed night, then the next day when I woke up I was ok liao leh.

She said if she could cry jiu hao le... but ku bu chu lai.
That reminds me of ah niu's song:

哭

最苦是泪水啃在心头流不出
就像要爱却不懂怎么去爱
自己哭过后才明白
流过泪的眼睛将生命看得更清楚

What a fuckingly sad song.

But I didnt entirely cried because of him leh. But I think it helps lor. Ku ba!

Then he logged in. I told wanxin lor. He logged in leh. Do I care? No I dont. (Partly because he logged in many times while I was online these few days but I totally can fuck care after that cry lor.)

用尽了力气勇敢后，就不再有力气坚强了。says
he just signed in

用尽了力气勇敢后，就不再有力气坚强了。says
and do i care?

用尽了力气勇敢后，就不再有力气坚强了。says
i dont

用尽了力气勇敢后，就不再有力气坚强了。says
hahaha

没有人能确信自己会是彼此未来里永恒的幸福。过去的自己永远不可能重新找回，因为人会成长。面对自己的时候，要演坚强给谁看？says
ha

没有人能确信自己会是彼此未来里永恒的幸福。过去的自己永远不可能重新找回，因为人会成长。面对自己的时候，要演坚强给谁看？says
zai

Zai hor! I think so too! 首先说放手的那一方，永远占上风 mah, as quoted by wanxin.

Until he spoke to me. I really freak out leh! Fuckingly jing zhang. Zai? Pi leh! I really panic lor, keep asking wanxin how how how? Didnt want to response, but in the end still did. Had to force myself to sound super normal.

But once I started msn-ing with him I ok le leh. Chey.

But like I told wanxin la, 首先说放手的那一方，永远占上风, so I have to speak to him. Only by doing so, only by being used to it then I can begin to learn to really fang xia. Only when I can 大大声的说 "I let go already hor!", and I dont question myself in the least then I can say I fang xia already.

But I dowan to 占上风 la. I just dowan to appear as the 弱者.


Also spoke to lao da and andy on msn also la. Now that I can catch them on msn I will be very assured le. I am soooo in need of someone being there in my time of weakness. I may not be talking to him/her, but I just need someone to be there. Even if he/she isnt aware that he/she is my pillar at that moment.

Did I mention how reliant I am on the internet? I am super dependant on msn and this blog. Sia la. I am going crazy le.

My last proj in school

I'll never be able to reproduce such work. Too bad.

Dot dot dot

I've taken all pictures of all my jewellery le! And also editted all of them by adjusting contrast so that background is entirely white.

Because I dont have ping guo guang at home, nor even pure white table lamp, so all I can is to take pics le then adjust using photoshop la!

And with this editting, they look like, 500 times better than the original pics! =P


Stocktaking! (This only includes those tt I am still wearing regularly. Some others are... somewhere.... )

9 anklets
1 bracelets
3 necklaces
.
.
.
64 pairs of earrings.

See all of them!

Among which, my favourites are:





So nice hor! Actually all are very nice la. So colourful right, especially the first pic, which is an anklet. Happy happy.

Disturbed.

Was reading Tim Burton's: The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy as linked from ningx's blog. I stumbled upon her blog a couple of days ago and now her blog is one of those that I am stalking. Hee.

Among the various short stories, the same titled story: melancholy death of oyster boy really creeps me out.

Will be trying to read more of Tim Burton's work when I can. From the little I've seen, it seems that his work is very disturbing. I havent done my regular read up, so I'm not sure if he illustrates his work or... The pics are very disturbing leh!

And I've realised I very 词穷.. why I keep saying disturb/disturbed/disturbing? I need a thesaurus!

*Puts tt under I-want-to-research-and-know-more-so-that-I-can-impress-
the-intellects list*

Hee.


***
And I am currently looking for a certain korean cartoon/flash called mr boombastic or in the line. I used to visit the website regularly 2 yrs ago. Now cant remember the website's name at all. Ar bish me. Why cant find leh? Qi guai.


***
And my dbs debit card is here! So happy! I happily slot it into my 50cents netted purse, to realise my purse is very heavy!

I was very proud of myself that I dont use a bulky wallet and practice zen by not cluttering my purse.

Now there is 10 cards, inclusive of my newly acquired dbs card.

Zen? Pi leh!



In the order:

dbs master debit card
citibank card
ezlink card
company employer card
identity card
this fashion discount card
kbox card
posb atm card
kelly card
hota card


I know there are people who hate this fashion's stuff. But their skirts very nice ok! All my skirts are from there, I think, tops not la.

Kelly card is of no use la, but it's green, and I like green. Period.

Hota card. 'Nuff said.


***
And I've began to take pics of my earrings, anklets, necklaces and bracelets. But my digicam battery run out after I was around... hmm.. 15% thru. I managed to take pics of around 10 pieces, which are my anklets and necklaces and bracelets totaled up.

I've got around 50 pairs of earrings. Hee. Will take care of them tmr la.


***
And as per yesterday's, or rather, this early morning's entry... I'm merely upset because I hasnt been happy recently. It's an irony I know. But what to do? =)

But I can only be this weak this once. I'll be back to work next mon. Working life is harsh therefore I cant show my side of weakness. I cant be defeated by the customers, nor by my colleagues.

Must.buck.up.


***
And I've been wanting to kill the witch again. I may hate some people time to time, but they are usually drifting phrases. But wanting to kill the witch has always been on my perturbed mind. I am sick I know, but I hate her like I hate cockroaches leh!

I dont mind translating letters for her or for my father, but I am really bo-bian when it comes to insurance and bank letters. I know I am in banking line, but even when I signed my contract, I never read the whole contents of the 40 over pages leh!

My mind just cease to work when I have to process insurance and banking terms. I am not being 'deliberate' as she put it (with oozing sarcasm no less), but I really am 无奈 when it comes to such letters la.

What good does it do to me to pretend?

And on top of that, she is still angry that I cant help her with her illustrator. I really dunno how I can put in thru to her let. I've already explained tt I dont understand illustrator. I've tried to work it, but I really cant use the software. If merely by clicking around the software I can use it I would have picked up macromedia flash back then.

Why is she especially hard on me huh?

Like my team leader at work.

Sometimes I really want to know. Am I at fault that these two woman are making my life difficult? What did I do exactly to make them want to kill me?

I think I should be talking to lao da and andy abt this soon. They are fast becoming my counselors. =)

Weird sms-es...

Why recently keep getting weird sms-es huh? As though I'm not disturbed enough.

I'm sorry

我答应我会快乐，开心，会记得你的再三叮咛，但我几乎天天都泣不成声。一直以来不相信自己那么不坚强，他们都说我是个快乐的人，心情欠佳找我谈谈准不会错。

他们都不知道，最不快乐的人可能就是我了。

我自己都顾不来了，又怎可能撑得起他们对我的寄托？

你会了。Andy 也会了。Wanxin 会了。Peilin 也会了。其余的人呢？他们了解多少？他们拼了命用他们心中的那把尺衡量我。他们自认为大地万物唯有自己最了不起，眼里充满着不可一世，提醒我我的卑微。这份卑微本来不存在。它是几时出现的？

有一大堆的人，总是装着和我很熟的样子，在我身边绕来绕去。我不想应酬你们，你们走开！

偏偏同时候有一些人的关心我极度渴望拥有，你们却对我不闻不问。我不是偶尔的一个简讯就可以打发得掉。我不敢对你们清楚的表示因为我不想你们因我的唐突而感到错愕。

但是我需要你们对我好一点，那有可能吗？

我知道不可能。我凭什么？

我凭着什么敢要求你们对我好一点。我是谁？我凭什么？

而对于他，我觉得我装得太好了。他一定认为我能很坚强的面对。我开朗的对他说没关系。我很 ok， 没什么的啊。甚至强逼自己装着坚强，对他说我们还是可以继续出去啊，继续一起吃饭啊，继续一起看戏啊。。。唯独怕不马上约就再也不敢要求了。

我是卑微的，没资格要求。

我猜对了他要说的话，但并不表示我接受的来。

但我得接受。

我不能呈现弱者姿态，既使我确实是个弱者。

我发狂式的笑，拼命的说笑话。因为寂静让我觉得不安全。笑声回荡过后的空气凝着空挡让我（也应该同时让 wanxin 吧）有时间又多想了一点。

我思绪很混乱。但我绝对不会让任何 disorder 复发。那是我对自己发出的命令。当两种不好的东西同时发生，我一定不能应付得来。我现在能为自己做的，就是好好克制××不让它复发。

很乱。非常乱。


>>
再度说一次。我 ok 的。 不要再问了吧。。。

Google!

I love it when google is creative. =)



Welcome to Google Moon

In honor of the first manned Moon landing, which took place on July 20, 1969, we’ve added some NASA imagery to the Google Maps interface to help you pay your own visit to our celestial neighbor. Happy lunar surfing. More about Google Moon.


And also found this branch of google website on holiday logos. Go see go see. Very nice! =)
And the hands behind them: Dennis Hwang!

Eyes eyes eyes eyes!!!!

(Mashi's eyes.)

(My eyes.)

I am currently having an obessession with eyes and eyelashes.

Very suay de, I am borned with single eyelids. Actually dan yan pi is ok, but can my eyelashes dont point floorwards or not? Ultra sickening leh!

Me and mashi are dan yan pi people, and eyelashes 倒插. I dont care much about the wrinkles below my eyes, really! Go on lor, laugh at me lor, I ok one.

But I cant promise I wont hire a hitman.

Ok la, anyway just want to share to following tips from Gopher Archive's Looking Good.

* Take the wand out of the mascara tube and remove the
excess on a paper towel or tissue.

* Hold the wand horizontally and slowly twirl as you move
the brush from the roots to the tips.

* To set the curl, hold wand and lashes together at the tips
for several seconds.

* Apply second coat before the first coat has dried to avoid
clumping.

* Carefully apply mascara to the bottom lashes, holding wand
vertically.

* While lashes are still wet, comb through them (carefully)
with a lash comb to separate each lash.

* Be sure to wash off your mascara every night. It will
smear during the night and you won't be able to apply more
until your lashes are free from the old mascara.

* Mascara is a breeding ground for germs. Be sure to replace
it every three months.

* Do not pump the wand into the tube. Doing this only adds
air to the mascara, drying it out.

* Before using mascara, curl your lashes with an eyelash
curler. Heating the curler in hot water or with a warm blow
dryer before curling will work like a curling iron for your
lashes.

* Apply the mascara in an upwards motion, from roots to
ends.

* You can promote lash growth and improve the condition of
your lashes by applying a light coat of vaseline or a lash
conditioner before going to bed. This also keeps them supple
and less brittle to reduce the chance of breakage.

* Cut down on the amount of smudging by first lightly wiping
the mascara wand with tissue when you remove it from the
vial of mascara. Wait a second or two between coats and then
reapply. Mascara wands with ridges instead of bristles will
smudge less.



Interesting hor, I will try my best to keep to these rules to maintain
the well being of my barely-existing lashes. But bad habits die hard
la. Heee.

Shopaholic!

*Raise hand*

That's me.

First thing first, bought 2 magazines today, Simply Her and Style. Bought Simply Her because it is my habit, but bought Style purely because it is giving out free sunglasses! Hen mei ok?

Meant to be buying sunglasses when I go to far east on sun, but ended up forgot. Now magazine give out as freebie how can cuo guo leh?

For $5 only leh! I personally dont like to read Style cos it looks too sophisicated for me. I prefer Her World and Simply Her because of the easy reading format, didnt anyone tell you I'm kinda illiterate? =)

The sunglasses really very kick-ass leh! Hen mei wor! But on a very bu mei me, all I can say is: Wasted. *shakes head*

This sweater cost me $5 only leh!!! So nice hor. And people keeps telling me the jurong not good. Where got not good leh? Always got good and cheap things, very good for aunties like me.

When I was studying in tp, I've got people asking me wondrously, too wondrously in fact, that jurong got houses meh?

No la no la, I live under rock #45641546521. And the rocks are not labelled, so to find me you have to lift up each rock and peek in to see if I'm living inside. And by any chance you will be able to find me under my parent's rock or my friend's rock because I've burrowed a tunnel over to their place for conveniences' sake.

It is not too easy to lift a rock to get out of your pit, and lift another rock when you need to visit someone else's pit.

Then again, it is far more convenient that you people living in hdb flats. When we die we dont even need coffins, our neighbours or family members just need to seal the entrance with the same rock, jump on it a couple of times, and that forms the most natural habitat for decomposition leh!

Ar der.

Ok, was saying about the $5 sweater. Really cheap hor? I think I will go again tmr to buy it in black and light blue and grey and navy blue and beige. That is just a grand total of $30 what.

And speaking of picking up cheap deals, look at these...

$9.90 a pair leh! Super wu hua hor? Buay tahan right, want to come to jurong to buy right? Ney, too bad, I've got all the good deals already. All the nice ones I bought le, too bad~!!!

Go eat your heart out la.

***

Bad news via sms from him.

Uh oh.

But I am taking it better than I expected la. =) Like wanxin say lor, I knew it before he actually put it in words, and I sounded more ok than I should be lor..

Now then I realise how well my voice can act. Hahaha.

She understands, we agreed tt we are just lavishly desiring to be taken care of, the person is who also doesnt matter la. Will just keep a look out for the next person who comes by lor. Meanwhile, being sad is just a formality I indulge in. Guess before the next person comes into the picture, I will just focus on what is wrong and how I can change for the better la. I am too contradicting for my own good le lor.

用尽了力气勇敢后，就不再有力气坚强了。
*
因为喜欢他，我觉得我是卑微的。

***

And, have to be very thankful to you friends for reading my blog but refrain from commenting on them. Once in a while, you will bring up some fei hua tt I blogged abt, and tell me how fei they are *thanks huh*, but so far I have not recieve anyone fishing for gossips on my recent spate of melancholic emotions.

Thanks leh! =)

I blogged things to get it off my mind and organise my thinking a little. Sometimes they doesnt make sense but on a whole I dont make sense either, so I think this blog inherit my screwed-up persona. =P

I am ok. But dont ask.

Taiwan's typhoon

Plucked from http://tw.news.yahoo.com/fc/hi-ta/.














So sad hor, quite a state of devastation.

But guan wo pi shi le? Cos I was supposed to be at taiwan at this time if I was willing to part with my money. I might had been there and died there.

Ok la, I'm sick of my morbid thoughts. Go and die la.

Yet he ignored me.

He's been on msn for the past 4 hrs, yet he ignored me.

Can I laugh?

Picked up a phone

Never had the intention to keep it for myself, but in the end still bought it home.

I picked it up from the fitting room at this fashion, and let me digress a little, I bought two skirts leh! One blue one brown. I dunno why I anyhow spend money again, but hai~ xin qing bu hao, so splurge lor.

Anyway, got 20% discount, fuck care la. Also bought a $60 bra from tangs. It is really not by style to buy such expensive intimate wear, but because I got voucher mah, bu hua bai bu hua. I also bought this bra extensions which I think is super useful. No more worries about clasping the last clasp. With this extension I can safely clasp the inner ones. Dont ask me why I dont like to clasp the last one, just some psychologically affected mindset la.

And also bought a $10 halter.

Ok la, back to topic. Picked up the phone from the fitting room and was trying to operate it. I thought it is a samsung phone or something, I am not sure because I only use nokia phones.

Thought of calling the recent-called list then think of something lor.

The I realise it is a japanese phone. And it is locked with password. I thought I'll wait for the person to call back so that I can try to communicate with her with my cmi japanese and return the phone.

But the person never call. Now the phone is still with me. You may ask why I dont give it to the staff at this fashion, cos I am quite sure if the person called, I can definately communicate better in japanese than those aunties lor.

Aiyah, the person also didnt bother to call, so bu guan lor. Anyway, from what I understand in japan right, their phones are like our pagers, the number is fixed with the phone, so the subscriber can just cancel this phoneline and get a new one.

So, if anyone knows of someone who lost a phone and it looks like the one above, email me la hor.

******




Was also at the camera section at tangs, and was trying to see if my camera's model is available there. A couple asked the sales person whether this camera is a newly released, the sales person told her it is, but it is not good!

Fuck la, because it is cheap you think it is not good? You just want the couple to spend on a more expensive model so that you can earn more commission right?

Hen jian leh!

You tell me la, my camera can take such good pictures despite the bus moving (and shaking shaking), how can the camera be bad! Jian sales person!

******

And I am very upset today. Sigh, I was expecting and preparing myself for any possible reply he might give me. Yes? I'm in readiness. No? I'm in readiness. I dunno? I'm in readiness too! Or any lame excuse he might give me, saying things like compatibility or readiness or gan jue or time or distance or whatever fuck.

He didnt. He told me, 'Hi, ok.'

That doesnt address my question at all! All I want is an answer but he just evaded my question. I wailed to wanxin. Wanxin said he might be trying to be tactful.

I rather he just dumped it in my face and wake me up immediately. I dowan play anymore le la. But later as an afterthought I realise as much as he didnt give me a straight answer, I should really understand, like what wanxin said, that he is trying to be tactful. But underneath his short smses I should fully comprehend his message, shouldnt I?

No point being so mian qiang. What's the point?

Wanxin, start our ju le bu le la hor. *weak smile*.

Aiyoh, ben dan leh.

Was reading theangrylittlegirl's blog and was checking out the website of missha. Heard of this brand from my cousin and always meant to drop buy to buy some of the cheap cosmetics from there (cos I very broke and cheapskate mah).

And I agree with what theangrylittlegirl says in that entry:

Now, I don’t believe in paying an exorbitant amount for cosmetics. If you have a pretty face, you are pretty. If you don’t, spending more on brands with names you cannot pronounce won’t make you any prettier. It’s all about the effort, technique of applications and matching of colours! This comes for the mouth of a lady (ok, girl.. Girl) who used to sell cosmetics k! *smirk*

Exactly! =) Or is that I am finding an excuse for my cheapskate-ness? Whahaha.


But leh but leh, at the website, I saw a ben dan posting her details in response to job openings!



Ok la, maybe not ben dan la (as afterthought), maybe she thought tt it is a feedback form or something. But it is now linked under the mainpage mainly due to inactivity on the website I guess. =(

Poor girl. Should I be a kaypoh kia and sms her to inform her that her details are still up there since her posting 3 days ago?

Shall not. Bitches doesnt zuo hao shi one.

10 hrs crapping marathon!

Met up with wanxin after a whole 3 yrs or so. =) We've both aged.

Was late again. Supposed to be meeting her at 5, I reached at 5.30. But really not my fault lor, cos the bus didnt come! This few times that I am late I always 栽在 the buay-zun-ness of the stupid buses. Cant believe that it took 3 105s and 4 98s to pass then the stupid 176 comes.

Yet again, witness a very shiawase scene at the bus stop. There is this man, 30ish, maybe older. Rude to stereotype, but he looks like that kind bo-tak-cey one... But he is really attentive and sweet to his child.

He was carrying the child, and it was drizzling, so he wrapped the child in a giant towel to avoid him getting wet. When the rain poured harder, he whipped out another towel and carefully wrap the child's head to avoid him getting drenched.

Hao xing fu!

I would have taken a photo if not for the fact that I dont think my camera is waterproof to rain. Let's not take any chance here. =)

So I met at her 5.30pm and we ended up crapping all the way until 3.30 in the morn. We were at sakae first, then 转战 macdonalds.

I believe she was feeling some apprehension about meeting us after our last war, but I really let go of it all already la. Like I say, I did not forget about the incident but I've really gotten over it. Wanxin is really a good friend after so long, we can talk about anything and everything. Nothing feels changed.

Love you, darling! *smiles*

Also also, have to mention, I bought two dollars worth of tissue from the fierce ah mm sitting at the interchange. Meant to buy $1, but I've got no change, so bought $2. I also dunno why I bo zek ark until so bu gan yuan. I usually buy $1 worth only mah..

I really dunno why I so bu gan yuan. Qi guai.

We crap about anything lor, mainly about the man in her life and I was sharing about the person in mine. We are not having it easy when it comes to r/s, fuck those who are blissfully in love! *string of colourful expletives here*

We talk about too much for me to remember exactly, and because the two of us love to digress, we keep jumping from one topics to another and cannot talk in any chronological order at all. Whahaha.

But one thing we kept laughing at is that the two of us are very 变态. The two of us got 被害妄想症. We love to indulge in self pity and 觉得自己很可怜. While wanting to be 幸福, we also want to feel that we are pitiful, will 放大 any sadness and wallow in sorrow.

Siao hor? =P

I am one lazy person.

God bless the person who fa ming the magic clean 'broom', chu cheng zhi tuo ba! I am a lazy person when it comes to doing house chores so this tuo ba really save my life leh!





I am so lazy that I need to buy a book to teach me how to love to do house chores. See so lame, but in the end I think I read less than 3 pages of the book, whahahaha.

Nonetheless, I must give the tuo ba the thumbs up leh, just pull out a sheet from the box, wrap it around the tuo ba and I am ready to stick up dust and strands of hair from the floor.

If I am not wrong leh, it uses the yuan li of static to attract and stick the dust and hair.

Shen qi leh!

Then after 2 rounds of using the tuo ba with jing dian chu cheng zhi, I just complete the routine with a wet version, and tada, I am done and I can sit here comfortably to continue to blog and check email. Whahahahaha.

Perfect for lazy bums like me. =)

And of course, I have to say, this two box/packet are cheong ones that I bought from ck bai huo... The original ones cost 3 times or more leh. The dry one cost me $1, the wet one $1.80.

But my tuo ba itself is original one la. But I never buy wor, I stole from my storeroom and conveniently leave it inside my room so that I can use it anytime I want.

One other secret. I only clean up my room. I leave the rest of the house the others to clean. Hee. ^^

Black High Heels of Euphoria

Black High Heels of Euphoria:

4) Ash asked me if I have seen SarongPartyGirl's blog. He calls it BEELOG....he doesn't know what a blog is."

Hilarious. =)

Did I ever mention I like taiwan a lot?

I bet I ever did.

Especially their clean toilets, especially how people would all stand on the right of escalators in mrt stations (yah, they stand on right side one).

I miss taiwan. I've been there dec 2002 and I've been loving it. =)

I meant to be going again while I am on this block leave remember? In the end I still decided against it. Nothing major la, but cant find people to go with me. Going alone is fine, but air tics are always cheaper when you buy in pairs, and hotel room very costly if no one to split cost with you.

But if I am to go again, hopefully next yr, with esther, I want to be staying at 碧潭饭店 again. I love the free internet access there, and I would be like, the last time that I was there, sending email in the middle of the night. =)

Anyway, why did I suddenly remember leh? It is because I am absolutely irked to hear the term 搏客... Sounds so much like hacker in chinese (黑客)...



The taiwanese has a nicer translation: 部落格. Sounds so much nicer right? And gentle hor? And since it sounds so gentle, I shall change my blog's title to emphasise that I am meek and docile. *meow*.

Hate to say this

But mashi will be super pissed when she reads this, or if she reads this.

Mashi is the only person who knows how much exactly I am earning. Nobody else knows because I dont want to think I am rich and can dok me. I need to save all money I can so that I can go study a related part time diploma course then proceed with my degree course.

So whenever she song yong me to buy something, she will tell me, "Aiyah, u earn so much anyway". Whenever the topic revolves around money, and I feel the pinch for spending, whether it is for the yet another pair of black heels that cost $40, or the amf of dbs debit card for $24, or a bag costing $15, or a dano purchases coming up to ard $50, she will tell me, "Aiyah, u earn so much anyway".

But that is really beside the point what. I earn more doesnt mean I have to spend more right? As a matter of fact, it's more as compared to her. I dont earn more compared to anyone else I know. Meaning at the end of the stupid day, I still earn peanuts what (when peanuts doesnt equate $600k of course).

I seldom complain abt my job. I lament a lot, and rant a little, but usually it is just fa fa lao sao. I am grateful for having a job and the pay, though not high, is sufficient to let me buy my budget shoes/heels comfortably.

I think it is healthy lor, to kao beh a little abt the job and the customers, but at the end of the day, it is more of like laughing at customers who give us attitude and how we retaliate in the most hypocritical ways. =)

Of course of course, we need to maintain being professional to customers, but sometimes they are really funny.

Let's quote one example.

I've a customer who tells me he sees no direct benefits for taking up our bank's products. He feels he is only paying interest and after 2 yrs, he only managed to have an outstanding sum more than the amt he took out for despite making monthly minimum payments.

He said our bank is only running on customers' money! And we charge extorbitant interest rates which increase month after month.

He said every month he make payment for his minimum 'only slightly late' and we charged late charge. And said something in the line that it is not his fault that he cant remember his duedates.


I just retaliated in my most professional tone and smile (or smirk) in voice:

• I am sorry that he no longer sees the value in our products but I am sure when he first signed up for our products he definately felt there is goodness in our products therefore he signed up.
• Over this two yrs, we do recieve his monthly payment, I thanked him that.
• But over this span of two yrs, if his perception changed due to circumstances that I, as merely an officer who is listening to his feedback, cannot control, I am sorry but I really cant rectify his issues until he specifically tells me what is it that makes him change his mind about the value of our products.
• For as much as I understand that all banks charge around the same interest rates for loans/credit cards. But I have no idea exactly what are the different rates offered because I am not offering my service on behalf of other banks.
• His balance is not reducing because he still use his acct for other merchant transactions.
• Late fees are charged because we didnt recieve his monthly payment by due dates.
• All statements are definately prepared and sent to customers, and due dates are on the statements. Customers do have a responsibilities to remember their due dates.
• Our interest rates stands at the same rates he signed up for, unless he recieve a special promotion from us and can enjoy a lower interest. Otherwise, the interest will be what he signed up for until he recieved some form of advise of the revising of rates.
• Lastly, I do not deny that our bank is running a business and we are definately operating on customer's payments and client's businesses too. But in return, we offer the best service we can, listen to our customers, and do our best to offer products that are of value to customers. It will never be a single-sided track that customers are providing us but we are not providing for customers.

I am bad la, but I really cant control my laughter when the customer finally hanged up. Sigh, not to speak bad of my bank's customer, but as a person living in a world like ours, where everything costs, how can he be expecting we loan him money (in the form of credit cards) and not earn his interests?

Welcome to the world, mr customer.

Naivety cracks me up. And as per lao da (I think it's lao da, I've reiliterate this story so many times I dunno who gave me what responds le) says, ask the customer! When you take out cash from the atm machines with your card, you feel very song right? When you swipe w/o needing to pay cash but can bring home merchant goods, you feel very song right? Then when bills come why you so buay song?

Whahahahaha.. If only I have the goodwill to knock some sense into the customers. Sometimes I maintain a love-hate relationship with my customers.

Some really makes my day, some spoilt mine. But eventually I am always thankful for these people. Nice people makes me believe that the ren zhi chu xing ben shan, people with poor attitudes remind me that that is no need to be rude.

But eventually I can still say I love my job. Not love until hai ku shi lan, not love until tian ya hai jiao, but purely love it because it pays for my shopping. =)

That is why I cannot understand why mashi has such a big issue with her job. She is forever telling me she envy me because I earn more than she do (deja vu la!). But at the same time I also envy her mah, her job very qing song (she admits it also, mainly emailing and scheduling only), got time to msn someone and boss is nice to her.

Although I might not be able to survive in a job that cuts too much slack cos I will go crazy and I will start bring my manicure set to work or bring spring onions that needs dicing to the office. I am not a person who can pretend to be busy, so I always busied myself with real work.

But a job that can allows usage of msn or can check email very good leh. I want!

She then begin to lament she OT-ed the other night. I agreed OT until nearly 12 midnight really guo fen, but I reasoned with her that it was because the auditors are coming over the next day, so suan le lor, treat it as a contribution to the company lor.

(Lao tian cai zhi dao how much OTs I've put in on my current job.)

She refused to think that way, seeth that the company is being very guo fen in asking her to OT. I told her lor, OT is really part and parcel of any job, leaving on the dot is really something of the past. And what's wrong with putting in a little more effort for the company, or putting up with the company's seemingly demanding requests?

Sigh. Sometimes I just think she is having too smooth a life le la. Not saying I li jing cang sang, but comparatively she is really living a sheltered life. Let's not go into examples of how many nights I've went without sleep in school and graphic details and evidence of how I am burning front, back and middle of the candle when facing with growing frustrations in my job.

Like I maintained, complaining is a healthy way to vent your anger and frustrations. I always tell sniplets of my job to my friends and we'll laugh at them. Sometimes I complain too, I never say I dont, but my point is to complain and forget, complain and forget, complain and forget.

I cant keep remembering the anger la. Lao da keeps reminding me I must be happy.

I've came to realise to be happy you must be contented.

I am contented. Although rumours are flying that I might not get a renewal of contract on the job, I can wen xin wu kui de shuo, I've put in my best and I've made a few customers' day, and I've appeased a few complain cases without needing to forward for my boss's to follow up.

I can say I did my job pretty well and say with pride that I've played a part in controlling my cycle although 1 yr ago I would never believe myself that I would work in a bank.

If I am not renewed, I would take the opportunity to rest a little while, and then start to find a job. By then lao da would have ord. Whenever I falter I can depend on him to pick me to my feet, though I should be doing it myself. I am really assured to know I have got the best friends anyone can have (mine mine mine!) and I would plan my life from there.

For all I know, by then some opportunity will come knocking? I just need to be prepared to be on my best and I can do whatever that gets thrown to me. I shant worry excessively, cos 1 yr ago, I also bu qing bu chu de joined this bank. Anything can happen, I shant let any detailed planning blind me from possibilities. But of course, if no opportunities knocked, I shall be satisfied with a simple admin job.

Quit reminding me about my design background will ya! :Þ

Bought two bags.

Not blog worthy, but the uncle thought I am still a student!

Now that is blog worthy!

As usual, maybe it is because I was wearing wa wa xie and wearing denim. Too bad I dun have the seh to carry off denim other than making me look childish.

Was looking at a BIG black bag but was deciding whether I should take the one with vandalism prints across the bag. I personally like the latter, but it is really not apt to bring it to work. I dont like bags that limit my use la.

The uncle was like, huh, thought u still studying leh.

Hehehe. Happy leh. But then again, if I am in studying in uni, I can also be 22 mah. Uncle never specify whether he thinks I am in poly or uni, hmmphh!

And bought those diy little package to squander my time while I am home this 7 more days. Hehe. They are very cute leh! 2 bears and 1 hallo kitty. Stupid camilla wants a bear too, copy cat! =Þ. Hallo kitty shall be reserved for meow meow of course! =)

Angry leh

Sigh! Spent so much time trying to take a decent picture of myself (while trying to tame my flyaway hair) to submit for my passport photo, the stupid enets system doesnt accept my citibank debit card as a payment mode.

Shit leh.

What to do leh, pic is ready anyway, I'll just wait for my dbs master debit card to come and I'll try again lor. My passport will expire in december only what. Then will go collect it on one of the sats lor. I predict my debit card to come end of july, so should be able to collect it on 6 aug lor.

Shouldnt be a possibilty tt my dbs debit card application is rejected right? Hee, let's hope no hiccups la hor.

Poly student wor!

Yay! Having fun sleeping in until 12pm. Whahahahahaha.

Then I went over to posb to apply for dbs debit card. The lady serving me is nice, but she seems annoyed tt I have to take up her time when I could just mail in my request.

Yes I can, if I can find a brochure. I must have been to every autolobby of dbs and posb over the weekend that I passed by, making that all lobbies at orchard, bugis, and ps, douby ghaut, jurong east, etc. I can only find posb debit brochures ok!

Sickening to the max.

Then after the application is done, I left but later went back again to get another brochure for mashi. She was ok w/ the $24 amf. Mr ng at the branch told me there isnt any dbs brochures in the branch.

I told him I just finished my application here and I need another form for a friend! He told me dont have. I smiled my most hypocritical smile and thanked him.

This smile has fast becoming my trade mark and a secret joke btw me and my kakis.


> Dano auntie who finally closed transactions with my turqoise top and black wrap.
*hypocritical smile* "Thank you auntie, huh, no return policy? Can, no problem, auntie"

> Rude mphosis staff who wiped the counter top with mashi's to-be-purchased.
*hypocritical smile* "Thank you." (Not being rude to me directly so my acting skills not too needed)

> K box staff at paradise who look at us with disdain when we were discussing what lunch to get. "Spagetti?" "Fried rice?" "Fish and chips?" Fried rice with fish?" "Fried spagetti" Ok la, lame la, but free flow of crap remember?

He was super impatient and I think I say him roll his eyes.
And so,
*hypocritical smile* "Please, kindly 2 spags 3 fried rice. Cokes (glance ard the group) times 5. Thank you"

> To customers who asked same qns for many many many times. Then thanked me before ending call.
*hypocritical smile* "No problem sir, very welcome. If you have any more qns you can call me at xxxx-xxxx again and I will be glad to assist you."
(When the number I provided is a gen line and there isnt a large chance of him getting me on the line again. whahahahahaha).

Okok, shall address my title of this entry.
Was walking home after lots of walking ard je central and I was stopped by a lady who wanted me to do a survey.

I am super eng mah, so I stopped lor. She is from prudential.

She asked me, rather hestitantly, whether I am working. Told her yes, but I'm on leave, before she ask me why am I not working but wandering ard at 2.45pm. LoL.

She said she thought I was in poly, and was going to recommend a simple saving plans for me.

I just laugh and said my thanks. Told her I'm 22 la, already grad from poly for 2yrs le.

In jubilee!! Ok, nevermind that she might be lying, or I might be looking 18 or 19 because I am wearing my dorky black frame glasses, in 3/4 tie-string pants, butterfly prints t shirt and slippers. Hair slightly unkempt, clothes colours not coordinated, etc.

Whahahaha. :Þ

Happy Birthday to Tao Zhe!!!

My all time fav singer! I hope he will come to singapore for yan chang hui again.

And oops, I've lost all the photos from his last yan chang hui when my system crashed. Sigh.

Skill: Digressing... Level: Maxed!

Gia lai gai kee... That's what I was doing w/ lao da, andy, hao and christine today.

We met for k lunch at paradiz centre and andy really cracks me up. Ming ming can sing very well one he purposely have to sing until pua sia then he happy. Qi guai. =P

Hao is lao da's friend and christine is hao's gf. Hao, like lao da and andy, are still serving ns, while christine is an air stewardess. She looks like mei ren yu from tong xin yuan. =) I've met both of them on separate occassions before. Christine, myself and lao da went to far east once to buy presents for lao da's angel. Went with karaoke w/ lao da, andy and hao once before.

And also, I've met lao da's friend: junwei, once. We went for dinner together.

Being ard with lao da I am always surprised with myself. The last time we went out in may, I was still telling him that I cant face people from poly, and I dowan to get to know more people. At the same time I wasnt going out w/ friends enough. I justify tt I need my rest on sunday, but I should be spending sats with friends mah! And fri nights if possible too.

Lao da and andy spent a good hr explaining things to me how I should be letting go and how I should be spending time w/ friends (to distract myself from stalking certain specific friends, whahaha).

And just 2 mths later, I realised I've done tt. =)

I seldom meet friends of friends. But with lao da anything might happen. Once upon a time, andy = lao da's friend. Now andy IS MY FRIEND! And a good friend at that. We dont have the chance to gather, like how I dont have much chance to go out w/ lao da. But once we met up, there is free flow of crap. Whahahaha.

I am really happy that I am beginning to have fun in life again. My block leave is really leaving me in good moods, I must remember my happiness even when I returned to work on 25th.

I was originally worrying about incentive, or the missing of it. Now I just want to have fun and forget about them. I find brain washing very effective for me. I just have to keep repeating to myself that I am blessed enough. Good things that happen to me are part of my good fortune. I dont care if I earned it or I am just a lucky bitch. I should be satisfied! More money gives me the freedom to buy things, but in the first place I must remember I shouldnt be buying things that are too expensive.

I promise myself that from now on, no matter what I buy, as long as the price tag is beyond $30 per item, I must stop and think twice/thrice.

To many people, $30 is so little. But I want to remind myself that 10 items will be $300 le. That is a huge part of my savings! =) And the thing is tt, although I dont spend on expensive items, I buy a lot of things! I have at least another 8 bags of shopping which I havent sorted out. -_-"

Which brings me to another topic.

I want to get married soon, and I want to have a walk in wardrobe. I need not a big space! But I want a small space to myself, with all my clothes and books in the room. I will place a sofa in this small space, and I want to duck in whenever I want to be alone.

This room will be out of bounds to everyone!

When I go view flats, I will scruntinise all floor plans and ji hua where I can duck this small space into. Hee.

Alternatively, I want to service a loan for a big house. Nevermind it will take me forever to finish paying for it, but I must have space to myself so tt I wont lash out on my husband or child/children when I am angry. =) It is for the good of everyone also la.


Oh!!! And recording my life during my block.

(Sat: Went for k lunch w/ mashi and went shopping.)

(Sun: Went for k lunch w/ lao da, andy, hao and christine.)


And my plans for the coming wk.

Mon: I am going to buy a pair of flats from my fav shoe shop at je central, then I will be going to apply for my dbs debit card. I will be getting my pills, and get sumptuous lunch in the form of macdonald. Whahahaha.

Tues: No plans as yet

Wed: Going out with camilla. Guess it is splurging time again.

Thurs: No plans as yet

Fri: Going out with wanxin for sakae at bukit batok. Catching up time!!

Sat: No plans as yet


Sounds like a lot of no plans yet hor!
But I've got lots of things that I can do at home... while I'm home. Fei hua I know.

• pack wardrobe
• pack book shelf
• pack table (notice it is 3 major events...explain below, k?)
• wash all clothes in my wardrobe
• organise my bags
• throw out shoes tt I will no longer wear
• read (of course!)
• take pics of my world possessions (wow~ this phrase heard many times le hor? Hee)
• take pics of my past project and write them into cdr.
• want to also, create my dream bedroom space. =)

And hor... tmr also have to: renew passport.

I shall be doing it online. I will need to take pics of myself with my wu-wu-dong-dong, and I will need to spent $50 to renew for 5 yrs. Garmen really know how to dok commoners leh! $50 leh!! It's a lot of money ok! I can buy 2 pairs of shoes ok. Sickening. =(

And I cant even do it with my dbs nets online. I have to use my citibank debit card! Sickening to the max. If only I already have my dbs debit card.

While I am talking about this dbs debit card, I have to report I am really happy that I will be going to apply for it tmr. 3 mths ago I would still refused to get a debit card, but rather, trusting my atm cards for my transactions.

But on a reflection note on what happen past few days, I begin to think that dont have debit card really bu xing.

I came to realise that the auntie at dano ignored me because I've choose to speak w/ her in mandarin when I asked her to get a top in a different size for me. Me la! See tt she is auntie I immediately spoke to her (in my perfect mandarin, no less, whahahahaha) to get me a top. This auntie just flatly said: "mei you liao".

I turned ard and informed mashi tt "sheesh, they are out of sizes, shall we be visiting another store?". That auntie immediately called out, "miss ar, sorry leh, you size you size, wo ji cuo le."

As an afterthought I realised she must have took me as a zhong guo mei!!!! Shit la.

This isnt too surprising. Like I said, I speak perfect mandarin *smirks*. Aiyah, let me hao lian la, speaking incomprehensive-to-commoners mandarin is my only qiang xiang la... Hee.

Compared to the rest of the singaporeans, I have been mistaken once too many as a zgm le. I am immuned to people's exclaimation of "wow, ni de hua wen wei shen me hui zhe me hao?"

And what doesnt tt got to do with getting a debit card leh? So that I can sign it. I am having this warped mindset that zgm cant take debit cards, whahahahaha. Actually my citibank debit card can do a better job when I need to use to seh lousy service staff, but I dowan to use it leh, for some reasons.

Andy informed that amf will be at $24/annum. Is that ex? I dont know. But at the same time, seems like dbs doesnt have points system that can use to waive the amf. Which will be saddening, cos I use my dbs accts to do everything. I paid $1200 of bills with my dbs acct a yr leh! =P

On top of that, I am usually cash broke and I will swipe nets for the slightest purchases. Hee.

Oh, and talking abt andy. This see lang arh today very jian leh. He wanted to buy a top so I volunteered to measured it against his shoulders. And he squirm like I am going to rape him or something. Sickening to the max. >.<>.<"

He's a worm or what?

Later he sd his paisehs to me and said he is just fidgety by nature. Please la. I dont know meh? Sing k you also must mimick lin jun jie in the jiang nan mtv and roll against the walls.

-_-"

But he is still v nice la. He said next yr he will buy me a watch for my birthday! =) So nice of him hor? I think no la, by then I will dok a more expensive present.

Speaking of which, lao da gave me a book as my pressie! Love that thought! I love it when people give me books as gifts because that makes me feel intellectual. I'm silly but I appreciate it when my friends feel I have the making to be an intellect.

Heee Heee Heee Heee.


**
Know what, I was trying to think of a title for this entry. I read thru and realised it was "Thoughts, some not making sense at all." nor "Reflections on and of myself" nor anything else. It is purely digression. I am just jumping from one thing to another and crapping away. Whahahahahaha.

But this is my blog. I do what I want on it. Never you mind! =P

Aiyah.

I forgot to blog about the latest book that I've finished reading. I realised my gan xiang on curious incident of dog in night-time is really too lengthy le, shall not be blogging too lengthy a review on 5 people you meet in heaven, and also coraline.

Sibei jia lat leh. When I started this blog I had the intentions to blog books that I've read. Once upon a time I was the highest reader in my entire school leh.

I used to be borrowing 300 or 400 over books a year from my school library. That is more than a book a day hor!!! People accuse me of cheating la, say I am the librarian so I can do whatever I like...

But please leh. This kind of award is fulfilling to anyone's life meh? Na shuang er yi la. And hor! I never cheat leh. I admit part of this 300/400 books are comics, which I can borrow 6 at a time and finished before I turn in at night; but at the same time I borrowed w/ my library card and the library cards of my guy classmates too hor.

And also w/ my brother's acct, and w/ my guy classmates' accts since they dont read anyway.

Digression!

Now 6,7 yrs down the road I am reading less than 50 books a yr leh. Sibei jia lat. Which is also why I thought to myself tt I must start recording and at the same time read more... But leh? Bing mei you. Kao eh, like tt how to record my life. So much for using this blog to record things in life.

Shi bai shi bai! Heee.

K lunch and shopping

Went out with mashi today for k lunch. Then it's lunch at pizza hut. I promised her I will be treating her since I've got good incentive last mth. =)

We ordered a personal pan and 10 spicy mini drumsticks and a latte for mashi and orange juice for yours truly.

Actually the two of us want to eat the drumsticks more than anything else on the menu. But sashay-ed in to eat 10 drumsticks hen nan kan la!

Anyway, was telling her about andrew's mean sms (which I dowan to bring it up again since he have already said his sorries). Also, was telling her abt how I called home in a pretense tt someone actually cared about me not being at home by 1.30am in the wee hours on my birthday.

It's so saddening tt I want to laugh man!~

Ok la, no point harping on things tt cfm will happen or cfm will not happen. Let it be~ let it be~ let it be~ let it be~ whisper words of wisdom~ let it be~....


***
Then it's shopping. Mashi the bai jin nuu at work again! She bought 1 skirt, 1 crop jacket, 2 mphosis top, and a picard wallet.

Want to box her leh. Already decided on a wallet from p.cardin le then after we returned after shopping at bugis village she changed her mind again. She decided on another wallet in the same series, and ask me for my opinions. Told her the logo is not orientated correctly in my opinion, so because of tt, it is flawed and I wont buy it.

She ming ming heard it and ask me again and again for my opinion. Keep wanting me to agree w/ her tt the wallet is really nice. -_-"

But not lor. So I refused to comply to her wishes even though my feet are arching from all the shopping (although I'm wearing flats).

In the end she didnt buy it, but we managed to find another wallet from the wallet shop. It's from picard, pink, firm leather, exposed threads, many compartments etc etc etc. Perfect in all senses. *thumbs up*. And the price doesnt kill! It is just $39 after 20% discount. Hen hao hor?

I would buy it myself if it's not tt I'll never use a wallet. I am fine with my 50¢ netted purse which I bought from thailand. It holds my cards and money and coins and my medicine and keys (when necessary) perfectly well! And I promise to perform zen in life in the form of my monetary transactions. Simple and clear cut. No multi-compartments, no windowed compartments, no zipped parts for coins, no nothing.

When I say I want it simple, it must be simple.

My own purchases include a black long top from bugis street, one turquoise top from dano and also a black wrap from dano.

One thing to add. The auntie at dano hor, your service sucks! Jian tao yi xia ke yi mah?

Arh Shit!

How can derrick lost the round? How can jason win it? If derrick lost to leon ye jiu suan le. He lost to jason!?!?!? How can that be? Fuck! And double fuck!!!!

Derrick sang so much better, how can jason possibly won? He bribed the telecos issit? I am truly appalled by the results. Jason sound like he is competing in some huan le dian feng competition, doesnt sound like a superstar at all!!

By results, by the time junyang and jason meets in semi finals, junyang would still win even if he happen to grow a cyst in his diaphram!

Awww.. I am so sad. I admit I am biased towards derrick cos he shares my lao da's name and he is really cute. Looks like perfect xiao di you would want to cry to when your bf breaks up with you. But still, although he didnt sound perfect in the competition, his voice is really nice! He sings very well too, or too well as a matter of fact, for a person as young as he is.

And if that doesnt kill me, kelly lost! Kelly is the only lady contestant so far who can hold a pitch well. But I think she lost like why leon lost. Too gey kiang already, choose a song that is so hard to sing. Choose a zhen chang de ge bu jiu hao lor. I think since she can sing coco lee's song so well, she should consider to sing shun zi's song what.

Sigh.. disappointed leh.

My day started off fucked.

Nah, I never list as one of my birthday wishes to quit spewing vulgarities. It is too therapeutic to stop la!

This morning my shoe's strap broke on me. It is those 'ren' slip-ons, and I had already walked 5mins at least when it just came loose.

I had to get 2 rubber bands from a food vendor to tie the slip-ons to my feet while I limp home. Sibei lang bei.

While I was limping home, I kept getting stares from passerbys. I am so tempted to hurl a fuck or ccb or pcb at anyone who stared. Sms lao ban to infm him I will be late, in the end I was late for 30 mins. Lao ban didnt mention about asking me to make up, so I dee-gong. Hee.

Then because I need to cut thru raffles city every morning to take the free shuttle bus. But because this few days due to the IOC visiting, shou wei hen sen yan, therefore I have to walk a detour to take the fsb.

I think I should force myself to wake up tmr morn and take 97 tmr at 7am. But I dont think I can wake up la. -_-"

Last ten mins or so

Before my birthday is over.

I must thank:

Camilla and Kitty and Jordon for the bag and their well wishes.

Camilla for calling me on fri evening just after work to wish me happy birthday again.

Xiao mei for accompanying me on sat, and her pretty present of the starry display light, and her birthday cake!

Lao da for calling me and chat with me for 30 mins. This is something very nan de cos I know lao da hates to talk on the phone with me. He also promised me a present! =)

Andrew for accompanying me on sun, I really havent been to an arcade for very long and I feel young again. And I've never been to a lan shop. Nevermind I feel out of place there, I think it is just great to do something new. =)

Jujin for smsing me her well wishes.

Ah heng for his birthday handshake. =)

Mashi for her sms early this morning.

Ah yang for treating me lunch today!

Andy for remembering my birthday and smsing me! This is super surprising cos I would never think he will remember!

Camilla for sms-ing her well wishes again! =)

Xiao mei for saying happy birthday again on msn.

Kao eh, like not many friends, but with these bunch of my loved ones, what more do I want? =)

Love you all!

I really dont need this on my birthday you know?

I've always have the quirk to not want to share things given to me by my friends. If I bought it, well well, it is open for anyone to use or eat. But if it is given to me, never mind if it is a birthday present or just a normal something that someone gives me, I decline to share it.

To me it is a gesture of goodwill from people to me, therefore I should fully embrace the love from them, and not distribute it.

I know some people would tell me things like: people give you then you should share with others so that 'the ai xin/xing fu/etc crap' is shared.

My foot.

I dont feel that way at all. Things given to me are MINE, MINE, MINE! Why should I share?

Like I say, I am okay with sharing things that I purchase, but things given to me are mine! I cant share them with others?

*ponders*

I dunno, I think it is because since young I never have much toys. My entire toys collection includes a clothe rabbit and a single ghost buster figurine. On top of them I've got 3 boxes of lego which I bought for myself after saving for like half a yr or one yr I also cant remember le.

Yah, I also have a polly pocket which my cousin bought for me because I memorised a whole list of simile/antonym etc etc when I was in pri4.

I guess that is why I really emphasise things that are mine, are mine. Selfish? Maybe, but I'd never have much things to call my own since as long as I remember, so I always subconsciously stamp my name on my things.

Hence when mashi bought me 2 laundry nets I refused to give one to my elder brother.

Hence I refused to lend people cds that are gifts from someone else.

Hence I also refused to lend out a bag tt sis bought for me. Any other one in my collection can be lent, but not THAT bag.

Hence just now when the witch wanted to eat the cake the esther bought for me, I flatly refused.

Nevermind I will take at least another 1 wk at least to finish the cake. Nevermind it is taking up space in her precious fridge. Nevermind before I can finish it there is a possibility that it would grow fungus.

But I refuse to share it.

Maybe I would give ah yang a slice la. He is the only family member whom I feel is my family member although we have our share of grumbles of each other.

She begin to nyam nyam nyam lor. Say luckily never go cut up my cake and distribute it. In the first place, please do not presume I do not know she wants to give a slice to my elder bro, but he most prob didnt want to eat.

If his gf came over, she will definately go cut MY cake to give her a slice because it is a fruit cake and she is a vegetarian. I dont like his gf and I never bother to hide that fact. If the witch happens to cut part of MY cake to offer her I definately lia3 gong2 and refused to eat tt cake anymore.

I am not call ti-kee for nothing one ok.

Since I am here I might as well say why I dont like his gf.
Number one thing is that I absolutely love his previous gf, felice. She is so nice and sweet to him and he is so bo chap towards her. She would always request for my help then apologise repeatedly for taking up my time.

Felice once spent a lot of time to do a clothe cross-stitch for my brother, even went to various places to find a suitable place to frame it. Hua qian you hua li. End of day she dun even dare to give it to him when they went out, but rather choose to carry it over to my block and request if I can meet her below my block to take it from her and pass it to my brother.

I would never refuse her. So I agreed. I left the cross-stitch on his bed and informed him when he returned. He just tore off a small corner of the brown paper, peeked in and placed it in the slot between the bed and the wall.

When they eventually broke up, he really xiang ye bu xiang de, ask me to throw it out.

I called felice and offered to bring it to her. She was very sad but she still wanted to come over to get it back. You may feel I am being cruel to inform her tt, but I really feel, back then, that she is really a nice girl and my brother doesnt deserve her and dont have the right to hurt her further.

I scolded her many times when she kept asking abt him months after they broke up. Each time I would just cruelly run her down and told her to come to sense.

Eventually she is happily in love. I hope she is happy, I wouldnt know because I lost her number when my 8310 died on me.

Comparatively, this current gf very bu hao. Once she was going to taiwan with her 'temple-fellow-goers' and I ask my brother to ask her to help me buy a book. It is nothing that mei you le hui si, but I would really love to have tt book.

One thing I must say, I never hope in the least that I am going to 'A' presents from her. I may be poor and broke but I never kan cai tou.

She told my brother that 'she will not buy the book cos she is busy and wont have the time go to a bookshop to buy it for me'

Crap leh! So rude. Even if you go and never buy I also wont kill you. Will be disappointed but I wont kill you. Or else at least phrase it properly lah! Something like your schedule might not allow, or something in the nice-sounding line.

I ever considered tt it might be my brother's foul mouth at work. But if that's the case then too bad lor, he planted the grudge lor. *shrugs*


***
And hor, yday also man dui lian de.

Also very xiang tai duo.

Around 1.30am andrew's mother (I guess) called(to ask him what time is he coming home?). Andrew replied tt he will be home very soon. I steal a peek at my hp and realise hp batt is dead.

Mm jia lan de wo thought maybe my father or the witch called and hp no batt. So I announced tt my phone low batt ar!!!

I borrowed andrew's phone to call home. House phone wasnt placed properly so I cant call thru. Hence I send a sms to yang's phone infming I will be home soon.

After tt sms I announced again that Hmmm! Must be they tried to call me then the phone wasnt placed back properly. Upon saying so, I smiled and return the phone to andrew.

I reached home to see all lights out. Usually the witch would leave some lights home when my elder bro is home late.

Today when I saw my father in the afternoon, I asked him if he called me yday? He sd no. I asked him anyone called me yday night? He sd no too.

Thanks a lot. Really xiang tai duo. I am very used to du lai du wang. But sometimes with newly found friends I feel very weird when my guy friends are recieving calls from their mothers but only my granny would call me, or mashi would sms me to ask me where I am.

Therefore please do not chide me when I say I live with my landlord and landlord lady, cos that is exactly how I feel.

For the entire year

I can truely live up to david tao's song: er shi er

I'm 22!!!! It is a milestone. And I am typing this in a lan shop after playing 30mins or so of warcraft, something which I never thought I would ever do.

I mean, this kind of multi player games are so not me. I am more into simplistic games like neopets and orisinal and shockwave la.

Meanwhile it is after 12pm and I am currently at douby ghaut area using andrew's money meant for me to play warcraft to blog this.

This is such a waste of money but wasting money has always been my forte. As a matter of fact, I took a cab here this evening and later I will be needing to take cab home plus taxi fare. Call me bai jin nuu lor, I dont care.

And and and, mean to be going to sing k tmr morning by myself remember? In the end I think I am not going to be able to wake up in time. I think I might as well go home and sleep my da tou jiao and tmr ga jiao camilla when she is working. Heeeeee..

I am a jian nuu ren and I know it. Whahahaha.

This afternoon lao da called and we chatted for 30mins or so. He wished me and advance happy birthday and I've got this gut feeling that he cannot remember my birthday is on 4july or on 10july so he just wish in advance.

That guy! I really know him inside out lor!!!!!!

Anyway, he sd he've got a pressie for me. Said he is sure I would like it. =) I am touched. Meanwhile I am still having fun with the starry display light! Hen mei hen mei leh.

I think I sound ultra high cos the music here is very loud and I have to turn up my highness before I can think straight. Hee.

This is going to be a super long post.

I'm quite sure because seeing how much I can write as a review to Curious Incident of Dog in Night-time.

Went out today w/ xiao mei. This sweet girl is really... sweet (and sotong). Like I mentioned before, she actually volunteered to help me organise my birthday bbq but I am seriously too lazy even to list out friends to want to invite.

So in the end I told her to forget about it la, I also dont need hordes of people to celebrate my birthday with me, so jio her out for dinner lor.

We went to ps, yes again. There are some malls which I somewhat just prefer, ps is one of them. I love marina square too. Basically I like places where there are lots of shops, but despite crowds there are still ample space to walk around w/o knocking into people.

Suntec city is one of such places. Dunno where all the people come from and gather at suntec one leh. Especially most people are just walking and talking, they dont even stop to shop! Then what's the point of going to a mall? If want to walk then go walk sungei bulok ok? Go see the birds are something. If you want to be in air-con places doing nothing, go sit at douby ghaut mrt station or inside bank's autolobby.


I Digressed again! We were at ps, and we into Molecule cos bo liao. Xiao mei bought me this display light for me!!! It is so pretty. While we were looking at it I was telling her bought me this used to want to buy this long long ago. Once I saw something similar in those shops full of china imports. It costed $12. Those were the days when I was only 14 or 15 and I cant afford to splurge. Hearing that only she immediately bought the display light for me.

Hen mei hen mei hen mei. Pictures are taken 10mins after I've reached home and put in the 3 AA batteries. Hen mei hen mei hen mei. I must have spent 30 mins looking at it.

The ends of the narrow straws are all lit up blue and it really look like a lot of blue stars! A slight touch will cause all the lights to move and it is really pretty!!! Hen mei hen mei hen mei!

Thanks again, xiao mei! =)

Next we went to zed and zee. There I saw the doggy bolster that mashi has, and the shop is full of cute stationery that I want to buy all and put them at my desk at office to brighten up my desk. My desk is just cluttered with paperwork and no personality to speak of.

We bought this really cute fish clips at $6.90 each. There is only one new set left, so I took the display one. No problem cos it is flawless minus the dust. Anyway, it is going to be at the office so it is going to get dirty anyway. So who cares. =P


Purchases also included: A black top from giordano.
The thing to mention about giordano is not the top, but the fitting room. Wha liao eh, the fitting room still got seats for people who are waiting for their friends/girlfriend/etc to try clothes. Super comfortable I almost slept there! Haha.

Purchases also included: An orange top from john little. Dont even have to try because I have an exact blouse in lime green. I am even wearing it today. Lol.

Purchases also included: A dusty-purple blouse from yin and yang. After discount it is at $16.95, which is really cheap hor?

I cant buy more cos recently I've bought 5 pairs of shoes and online I've just bought 4 tops yday.
My 7 skirts from my last shopping marathon I also wore one only. A second one is already arranged to be wore next mon when I go for k myself.

Dont think I am ke lian because I will go sing k next mon on my birthday ok? Nothing satisfy me more than a k session, and after tt I will be going for my continued shopping marathon.

I've justified my actions that since I am not going ovs, I wont be spending money to book a seat on a flying transportation and wont be spending money to live at hotel. Hence I've saved a lot and I should kai kai xin xin de go on shopping.

Also last mth I must applaude for myself on my remarkable performance at work (mm jia lan I know) and earning incentives of $455. I have all the right to spend it all cos I've worked hard for it!

Last and most important reason. It is MY BIRTHDAY and I must splurge! That has been the tradition for the past 5 yrs. Nevermind the fact that I am already splurging on normal days.

Okok, dont go off tangent here.
We went to cafe cartel for dinner afterwards, yes again cos I like cafe cartel.

Everything else suddenly took backseat cos I saw erv. He was attending to a girl, which I am taking to be his gf (which later also got cfm she is la). He was sitting at a table which we just walked past when we were urshered to our table. But I didnt see him then. I also dunno whether he was sitting there then and not seeing me or what.

Which is also good la. If he sees me first and calls out to me I really dunno how I would react.

*ponders*

I think my reaction would be 'Oh, hi'. Then turn to his gf and talk to her as though we are long lost friend. That would be super qing er yi ju cos I can hit off with anyone whether he/she likes it or not. The only thing that is stopping a conversation from continuing is usually me being silent. If I'm in the mood to talk no one can resist talking to me.

Ok, mm jia lan again, lol.

But heng he never saw me. So none of my reaction was needed. I sat there watching him talk to his gf, his back facing me. It never cross my mind once to go over to talk to him. But I did wish he would saw me and come over to say hi.

So this is where I am 贱. After so long I still very 在乎 about this friend although I seriously dont think he is putting in effort to maintain 这段友谊. I was hoping he would see me and come over and say hi and I can use it as a reason to begin to sms him to chat again.

How 贱 can I get? At the end of the day 我就是放不下.

试着向esther解释我为何会对于erv，总是显得非常死心眼。我和他认识，是因为当时我们连同另外8人一起在我现在就任的公司做 temps 。一开始就知道他只是小做2mths就开学了。

我从来对 maths 都抱着惶恐的态度。只要碰到需要计算的时候我头都大！更惨的是，这份工需要动用逻辑来完成，但我从来都不是一个会运用逻辑思考的人，所以我常常会做工作得力不从心，求救无门。这时也就须要 erv 来救命。

他 真的是位好好先生。无论我的提问有多笨多无聊，他还是会耐心的向我解释。(Yah la, maybe he wants to stab me when I keep asking qns and I dont feel it because I very sii ba.)

我 对他就是有莫名的依赖感。我自己把他设定为'好朋友'，觉得生命中不可货缺的一个人。但当然把他视为'好朋友'也只不过是我一厢情愿的想法。He treats me more like a whining pest with an attitude problem.

但他真的 是人很好虽然说I am a very flawed friend，这只会加深我对他的好感。如果说和其他 temps 有聚会，我是表明了态度，erv 没去也就不用邀我。他会问我为什么不和别人多接触？是不是其他人会bully我？ 其实都不是，只是我并不会和他们聊。

说穿了，我是个奇怪的人。我和谁都能聊；和谁都不能聊。

他有去的聚会，between his turns at pool，他会一直记得过来和我聊天，怕我会闷到睡着。

他真的太好太好了，我也相对的对他过分的好。我很少会对人好，因为我愤世，所以一切的人都是我会针对的对象。但渐渐渐渐我也发现他不再体贴了。他再也不会主动的sms me。虽然说我sms他一定会回附。

突 然之间，我觉得我这位'好朋友'离奇失踪了。曾几合时他对我很贴心。但这一切都不见了。我对他有着连我也不能理解的依赖感。或许我应该戒掉对朋友的依赖 感。这真的会把人都吓跑。虽然说大多数的人都认为我很 independent，但其实我并不是。就象，总是有人觉得我人生乐观和快乐，其实真的并不然。

也只能说，没有人真的了解我。。。

********
Ok la, really enough of my digression. Back to the dinner. After the meal of fish and chips, which is not nice, I wanted to go toilet but xiao mei insist on staying for another cup of water. Know she must be up to something!

She actually went to buy me a cake leh! She is really super sweet hor! She told me dont be gan dong until I cry leh! But me being so callous I really wont cry one lor. I am very touched, but I didnt 感动到落泪. I am really appalled by my 冷血-ness.

But like I told her, throughout my memory, I only had birthday cakes thrice. Last yr mashi bought me my birthday cake. The yr before ah yang bought. And prior to that I thought I remember once but that memory is really vague lah, cant pinpoint nor recall more details.

I dont even know I am supposed to blow candle first then make a wish or was it the other way round.

And I also dunno how to cut the cake.

Sibei jia lat.

We finish a good half of the one-kilo cake btw us two. It is mainly fruits and the sponge cake is very light, cream v little, so doesnt feel too overwhelming, heng.

Left ps at 11.30. Bus 502 never came so I took 106 to clementi and tsf 105 home. I should have taken a cab. Carry a cake and a bag and a shopping bag full of 战利品 to take bus really v 狼狈. And doesnt help that my feet very pain! My heels are actually meant for working la, meaning walk to take transport to work and then later walk to take transport home.

All the time in btw I kick off my shoes the moment my buttocks touch my office chair.

But wear heels go shopping really very tiring. But who ask xiao mei to be so tall! She must be a good 1.65m or even 1.7m! O.O


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Also, have to blog it in same entry cos very stupid to start a new entry each time topic changes. Our dinner conversation was mainly about friends namely erv, lao da on my side and her friends whom I dont think I should mention names. Mei li mao.

Otherwise it was mainly about my depression. I'm still in denial when it comes to seeking medical attention for this. I am really worried tt my psychiatric report falls into the hands of my employers. I will be dead meat. I know the doctors are not supposed to divulge, but what if?

Sigh. I really dowan to remember it, but sometimes there is a need to explain.

(Xiao mei, dont feel bad about saying wrong things cos I also didnt know how to react/response to psychiatric-problem sufferers previously. Really!)

Xiao mei was reminding me to think positive. I am very negative and I do know it. She told me it is a choice to think on the positive side and I should be doing tt.

I explained to her of the actual scenario, and I believe she understood after that.

Depression is an illness. You cant ask someone to be happy and stop suffering from depression. It is like you cant ask someone to stop coughing and the sore throat will be healed.

It takes medicine for any sickness to be cured. For me, I am still not comfortable about seeing a doctor although I know I should be. I should be taking anti-depressant while I am feeling ok cos the moment when I dont, I will not have the capability to walk out to see the doctor.

I bet I would be sitting in a corner of room crying for 3 hrs like I did the last time (which is one yr ago. Yay! I'm recovering! Yah right).

I used to think that I was initially depressed over my fyp, that is yr 2003 btw mar to may. I thought I've recovered when project was finally submitted and everything 以成定局. But really no lor. It wont 断根 as much as I wish it would.

I am sick of being the 弱者 when everyone treats me 小心翼翼-ly. I wish they would understand that I am trying my best to recover based on my own willpower to correct my negative thinkings.

Worse, I hate people to think I am playing 弱者. I dowan to keep bringing up me having some phychiatric problems and people to treat me with care. I dowan people to think I am using my depression as a way to 博取同情, and everything also let me have my way.

But despite saying that, I still have to stress that I really would appreciate it if you dont mistake my weakness as my choice of defiance. Was explaining to xiao mei that it is not I am choosing to think everything in the negative light. Or rather, for some reasons my mind would automatically work towards the bad side of every matter. All I can do for myself is that as an afterthought, I remind myself that I should not be embracing negative thoughts. And work from there to correct my warped mindset.

Things like suicidical thoughts. When I can sit and think about commiting suicide, it is usually when I am helpless. But when one is helpless she/he doesnt have the energy to commit suicide.

Which is why a lot of depression patients have suicidical thoughts but they are still alive. We are only thinking of the worst possible scenario that can happen but will not have the energy to carry it out. (Not to encourage more suicides of course!!!)

The scary thing about depression (and panic attacks which I seems to have too) is that you are carrying out activities when you dont realise. This could include small actions like digging ur fingernails into ur flesh, or more fatal actions like walking out onto the road w/o checking whether it's green man or red man.

Therefore it is really not that I want or dont want to think optimistically, but I cant. I promise everyone I will check and correct any warped mindset I have. But I really cant control when my mind navigate it to the wrong direction firstly.
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See, I've told u this post would be v long.