Went out today w/ xiao mei. This sweet girl is really... sweet (and sotong). Like I mentioned before, she actually volunteered to help me organise my birthday bbq but I am seriously too lazy even to list out friends to want to invite.
So in the end I told her to forget about it la, I also dont need hordes of people to celebrate my birthday with me, so jio her out for dinner lor.
We went to ps, yes again. There are some malls which I somewhat just prefer, ps is one of them. I love marina square too. Basically I like places where there are lots of shops, but despite crowds there are still ample space to walk around w/o knocking into people.
Suntec city is one of such places. Dunno where all the people come from and gather at suntec one leh. Especially most people are just walking and talking, they dont even stop to shop! Then what's the point of going to a mall? If want to walk then go walk sungei bulok ok? Go see the birds are something. If you want to be in air-con places doing nothing, go sit at douby ghaut mrt station or inside bank's autolobby.
I Digressed again! We were at ps, and we into Molecule cos bo liao. Xiao mei bought me this display light for me!!! It is so pretty. While we were looking at it I was telling her bought me this used to want to buy this long long ago. Once I saw something similar in those shops full of china imports. It costed $12. Those were the days when I was only 14 or 15 and I cant afford to splurge. Hearing that only she immediately bought the display light for me.
Hen mei hen mei hen mei. Pictures are taken 10mins after I've reached home and put in the 3 AA batteries. Hen mei hen mei hen mei. I must have spent 30 mins looking at it.
The ends of the narrow straws are all lit up blue and it really look like a lot of blue stars! A slight touch will cause all the lights to move and it is really pretty!!! Hen mei hen mei hen mei!
Thanks again, xiao mei! =)
Next we went to zed and zee. There I saw the doggy bolster that mashi has, and the shop is full of cute stationery that I want to buy all and put them at my desk at office to brighten up my desk. My desk is just cluttered with paperwork and no personality to speak of.
We bought this really cute fish clips at $6.90 each. There is only one new set left, so I took the display one. No problem cos it is flawless minus the dust. Anyway, it is going to be at the office so it is going to get dirty anyway. So who cares. =PPurchases also included: A black top from giordano.
The thing to mention about giordano is not the top, but the fitting room. Wha liao eh, the fitting room still got seats for people who are waiting for their friends/girlfriend/etc to try clothes. Super comfortable I almost slept there! Haha.
Purchases also included: An orange top from john little. Dont even have to try because I have an exact blouse in lime green. I am even wearing it today. Lol.
Purchases also included: A dusty-purple blouse from yin and yang. After discount it is at $16.95, which is really cheap hor?
I cant buy more cos recently I've bought 5 pairs of shoes and online I've just bought 4 tops yday.
My 7 skirts from my last shopping marathon I also wore one only. A second one is already arranged to be wore next mon when I go for k myself.
Dont think I am ke lian because I will go sing k next mon on my birthday ok? Nothing satisfy me more than a k session, and after tt I will be going for my continued shopping marathon.
I've justified my actions that since I am not going ovs, I wont be spending money to book a seat on a flying transportation and wont be spending money to live at hotel. Hence I've saved a lot and I should kai kai xin xin de go on shopping.
Also last mth I must applaude for myself on my remarkable performance at work (mm jia lan I know) and earning incentives of $455. I have all the right to spend it all cos I've worked hard for it!
Last and most important reason. It is MY BIRTHDAY and I must splurge! That has been the tradition for the past 5 yrs. Nevermind the fact that I am already splurging on normal days.
Okok, dont go off tangent here.
We went to cafe cartel for dinner afterwards, yes again cos I like cafe cartel.
Everything else suddenly took backseat cos I saw erv. He was attending to a girl, which I am taking to be his gf (which later also got cfm she is la). He was sitting at a table which we just walked past when we were urshered to our table. But I didnt see him then. I also dunno whether he was sitting there then and not seeing me or what.
Which is also good la. If he sees me first and calls out to me I really dunno how I would react.
*ponders*
I think my reaction would be 'Oh, hi'. Then turn to his gf and talk to her as though we are long lost friend. That would be super qing er yi ju cos I can hit off with anyone whether he/she likes it or not. The only thing that is stopping a conversation from continuing is usually me being silent. If I'm in the mood to talk no one can resist talking to me.
Ok, mm jia lan again, lol.
But heng he never saw me. So none of my reaction was needed. I sat there watching him talk to his gf, his back facing me. It never cross my mind once to go over to talk to him. But I did wish he would saw me and come over to say hi.
So this is where I am 贱. After so long I still very 在乎 about this friend although I seriously dont think he is putting in effort to maintain 这段友谊. I was hoping he would see me and come over and say hi and I can use it as a reason to begin to sms him to chat again.
How 贱 can I get? At the end of the day 我就是放不下.
试着向esther解释我为何会对于erv，总是显得非常死心眼。我和他认识，是因为当时我们连同另外8人一起在我现在就任的公司做 temps 。一开始就知道他只是小做2mths就开学了。
我从来对 maths 都抱着惶恐的态度。只要碰到需要计算的时候我头都大！更惨的是，这份工需要动用逻辑来完成，但我从来都不是一个会运用逻辑思考的人，所以我常常会做工作得力不从心，求救无门。这时也就须要 erv 来救命。
他 真的是位好好先生。无论我的提问有多笨多无聊，他还是会耐心的向我解释。(Yah la, maybe he wants to stab me when I keep asking qns and I dont feel it because I very sii ba.)
我 对他就是有莫名的依赖感。我自己把他设定为'好朋友'，觉得生命中不可货缺的一个人。但当然把他视为'好朋友'也只不过是我一厢情愿的想法。He treats me more like a whining pest with an attitude problem.
但他真的 是人很好虽然说I am a very flawed friend，这只会加深我对他的好感。如果说和其他 temps 有聚会，我是表明了态度，erv 没去也就不用邀我。他会问我为什么不和别人多接触？是不是其他人会bully我？ 其实都不是，只是我并不会和他们聊。
说穿了，我是个奇怪的人。我和谁都能聊；和谁都不能聊。
他有去的聚会，between his turns at pool，他会一直记得过来和我聊天，怕我会闷到睡着。
他真的太好太好了，我也相对的对他过分的好。我很少会对人好，因为我愤世，所以一切的人都是我会针对的对象。但渐渐渐渐我也发现他不再体贴了。他再也不会主动的sms me。虽然说我sms他一定会回附。
突 然之间，我觉得我这位'好朋友'离奇失踪了。曾几合时他对我很贴心。但这一切都不见了。我对他有着连我也不能理解的依赖感。或许我应该戒掉对朋友的依赖 感。这真的会把人都吓跑。虽然说大多数的人都认为我很 independent，但其实我并不是。就象，总是有人觉得我人生乐观和快乐，其实真的并不然。
也只能说，没有人真的了解我。。。
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Ok la, really enough of my digression. Back to the dinner. After the meal of fish and chips, which is not nice, I wanted to go toilet but xiao mei insist on staying for another cup of water. Know she must be up to something!
She actually went to buy me a cake leh! She is really super sweet hor! She told me dont be gan dong until I cry leh! But me being so callous I really wont cry one lor. I am very touched, but I didnt 感动到落泪. I am really appalled by my 冷血-ness.
But like I told her, throughout my memory, I only had birthday cakes thrice. Last yr mashi bought me my birthday cake. The yr before ah yang bought. And prior to that I thought I remember once but that memory is really vague lah, cant pinpoint nor recall more details.
I dont even know I am supposed to blow candle first then make a wish or was it the other way round.
And I also dunno how to cut the cake.
Sibei jia lat.
We finish a good half of the one-kilo cake btw us two. It is mainly fruits and the sponge cake is very light, cream v little, so doesnt feel too overwhelming, heng.
Left ps at 11.30. Bus 502 never came so I took 106 to clementi and tsf 105 home. I should have taken a cab. Carry a cake and a bag and a shopping bag full of 战利品 to take bus really v 狼狈. And doesnt help that my feet very pain! My heels are actually meant for working la, meaning walk to take transport to work and then later walk to take transport home.
All the time in btw I kick off my shoes the moment my buttocks touch my office chair.
But wear heels go shopping really very tiring. But who ask xiao mei to be so tall! She must be a good 1.65m or even 1.7m! O.O
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Also, have to blog it in same entry cos very stupid to start a new entry each time topic changes. Our dinner conversation was mainly about friends namely erv, lao da on my side and her friends whom I dont think I should mention names. Mei li mao.
Otherwise it was mainly about my depression. I'm still in denial when it comes to seeking medical attention for this. I am really worried tt my psychiatric report falls into the hands of my employers. I will be dead meat. I know the doctors are not supposed to divulge, but what if?
Sigh. I really dowan to remember it, but sometimes there is a need to explain.
(Xiao mei, dont feel bad about saying wrong things cos I also didnt know how to react/response to psychiatric-problem sufferers previously. Really!)
Xiao mei was reminding me to think positive. I am very negative and I do know it. She told me it is a choice to think on the positive side and I should be doing tt.
I explained to her of the actual scenario, and I believe she understood after that.
Depression is an illness. You cant ask someone to be happy and stop suffering from depression. It is like you cant ask someone to stop coughing and the sore throat will be healed.
It takes medicine for any sickness to be cured. For me, I am still not comfortable about seeing a doctor although I know I should be. I should be taking anti-depressant while I am feeling ok cos the moment when I dont, I will not have the capability to walk out to see the doctor.
I bet I would be sitting in a corner of room crying for 3 hrs like I did the last time (which is one yr ago. Yay! I'm recovering! Yah right).
I used to think that I was initially depressed over my fyp, that is yr 2003 btw mar to may. I thought I've recovered when project was finally submitted and everything 以成定局. But really no lor. It wont 断根 as much as I wish it would.
I am sick of being the 弱者 when everyone treats me 小心翼翼-ly. I wish they would understand that I am trying my best to recover based on my own willpower to correct my negative thinkings.
Worse, I hate people to think I am playing 弱者. I dowan to keep bringing up me having some phychiatric problems and people to treat me with care. I dowan people to think I am using my depression as a way to 博取同情, and everything also let me have my way.
But despite saying that, I still have to stress that I really would appreciate it if you dont mistake my weakness as my choice of defiance. Was explaining to xiao mei that it is not I am choosing to think everything in the negative light. Or rather, for some reasons my mind would automatically work towards the bad side of every matter. All I can do for myself is that as an afterthought, I remind myself that I should not be embracing negative thoughts. And work from there to correct my warped mindset.
Things like suicidical thoughts. When I can sit and think about commiting suicide, it is usually when I am helpless. But when one is helpless she/he doesnt have the energy to commit suicide.
Which is why a lot of depression patients have suicidical thoughts but they are still alive. We are only thinking of the worst possible scenario that can happen but will not have the energy to carry it out. (Not to encourage more suicides of course!!!)
The scary thing about depression (and panic attacks which I seems to have too) is that you are carrying out activities when you dont realise. This could include small actions like digging ur fingernails into ur flesh, or more fatal actions like walking out onto the road w/o checking whether it's green man or red man.
Therefore it is really not that I want or dont want to think optimistically, but I cant. I promise everyone I will check and correct any warped mindset I have. But I really cant control when my mind navigate it to the wrong direction firstly.
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See, I've told u this post would be v long.
