K Session

Went for k session with lao da and ah du today. Because we didnt do prior booking, can only sing k lunch to 1pm! Very shit! Then out of we three person each person can sing ard 6 or 7 songs. Then it's time to go. It's like hallo~ gen ben sao bu dao yang chu lor!

Lao da and ah du these two, as usual they are a funny pair. The two of them might as well get married to each other and live their happy lifes. But too bad despite their xin ling xiang tong, the two like girls.

Honestly. These two are the best guys I've ever known in this life of mine. Sometimes I am tempted to pair them up with my girl friends. But being skeptical as I always am, I havent find anyone who seems to be able to suit them leh. Basically have to be pretty la, they are 'se-lang's. Have to be able to understand their jokes, cos they jokes are really sheng2-hua3-pian1. Dont have some basic fundamental jokes training wont be able to understand one. Haha.

Ok la, a bit kua zhang. But they have too many insider jokes tt I cant catch. So maybe humour fundamental isnt essential, but what is necessary is more chance to leech ard them so tt there isnt any issues with not comprehending their insider jokes.

But okok... *shove matchmaking plans aside*...

Was talking to the two of them abt the issues of friends. Mentioned to them about the erv incident. The two of them unanimously feels tt I am seriously lacking in friends whom I can relate to, therefore I was so affected by the incident. And at the same time, because I have so little friends, I became expectant of them. I feel they can this, they can that, they shouldnt this, shouldnt that.

In short, if I have more friends, I cant bug the same person all the time, giving everyone room to breathe.

It makes sense. But unfortunately for me, my senses are all warped and as much as I know it is true, I keep making the same mistakes and keep zhuan niu jiao jian.

Ah du commented it might be harsh of him to point me out like that, but he feels (as he quote from a book that he is recently reading) that I am saying I cant, but in reality, it is more of a said, then a tried and said.

Come to think of it. It might be true. But I dunno either. All the while, there are some things that 'I cant do'. Wherever/when the categorisation occurs I have no idea, but I sure have a lot of things tt I deny my capability of completing or doing.

Both pinpointed tt I am turning my face away from the reality, is hiding away and pretends things are ok.

I admitted openly to them that I cannot forget the fact that I took pains to finish my diploma, but eventually decided to work in a totally different field. It seems to be just highlighting tt I made a wrong choice all the way in the start when I choose the course. If I didnt choose this course would things be different?

Not saying I will take a biz or engineering course la, but if I were to take a graphic design course instead, or fine arts course instead, would things be different?

Ah du very hen3 du2. Said things will be the same, because it is my character/personality/thinking that causes me to eventually flop and fail. Is it really?

I need to sleep on it and re-consider.

And also, it is funny how I am so affected by how others think of me. (Yah, I will find it funny too if this is happening to another person.) It is weird but I am very worried what the others think about me. But I am most affected by people who dunno me well.

I will be fine if lao da thinks negatively of me, cos I can explain myself. I will be fine if mashi doesnt understand my decisions, cos I can explain myself too. But if now, it's christine or susan or davina or clive or lailai or vickey who looks at me in a different and despising light, I am not able to explain myself to them.

I asked myself, is it simply explaining as it words and language? Or explaining as proportionate to the degree that they know me?

Or is it a lack of chance for those 3 degree, 4 degree 5 degree friends?

I think it is think it is a cross btw the lack of chance and the difficulty of explaining to people who dunno know me well. It is tedious to try to clear up misgivings others have of me expecially when the next time when I see him/her might be an eternity away.

It is also v ma fan to try to explain to people all the way from the beginning of the story cos the it stretches all the way back to the prehistoric ages.

But!! But!! Why the fuck do I need to explain to these bu xiang guan de ren leh?

That was the question that was brought up repeatedly throughout the la-teh session. And of course I do understand the concept of it all. It definately doesnt make sense to be so bothered by what others think of me, especially by people who are so unfamiliar to me.

But yet again, I have no idea why is it that I feel this way. Sure I can twist my thoughts ard when I chant to myself for enough times. All I have to do is to keep repeating "Why the fuck you care?... Why the fuck you care?..." Eventually I would have brainwashed myself enough to remember that I live for myself, not for my family, nor lao da, nor ah du, nor mashi, nor esther, erv, lyn babe, or anyone else.

And certainly not for the person who just pass by in my life, poked in his kpo nose and left a comment to make himself feels important, and me miserable.

So that's it, from now on I want to brainwash myself to remember I dont fuckingly care what others think of me.

But to trace back to the roots, I really have no idea how come I am feeling this way. What is it specifically that causes me to be so afraid of views coming from others, be it I know them well or I dont.

It is an irony that while I'm looking at myself as a design and art student, I should be having a mind of myself. Yet I am so concerned about how others look at me. It doesnt make much sense, does it?

I remember when I first started in design, I defend my project and design a lot. I do it to the way tt I like it. If I designed something crappy I would admit. If I designed something which I like but another doesnt agree, I would listen to opinion and decide (myself, no less) if I need to make any amendments.

Opinions to me then were merely opinions.

Now they are stings.

But no! I mustnt let it sting me for any longer, I must seriously get it out of my system, get myself together and forget abt the pain of it all!

Starting ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... NOW!!!