Pending implosion

I am so sleepy that I feel delirious. My eyes seemed to be opened, but I am not seeing things. When I am, I am seeing double vision. It is barely 1pm but I am very hungry. I am seldom this hungry at this time, given that I usually eat after 1 or 2.

Because of OT yesterday, I left office at 10.20 and reached home at 11.20. But I still had to eat dinner, watch tv, check email for latest job listing, and bathe and wash my hair.

It's time like this when I wish I am bald. Waiting for hair to dry when I am goddamn sleepy is basically a form of torture.

I eventually slept at 2.30am, after chasing the plot in veronika decides to die. I cant even look forward to sleep early today because it's en'en last day at the damn company, and there is a celebration going on.

Gosh.. Is weekend coming soon?

And shhhh, I think I am going to take mc tmr... My head feels like it is going to IMPLODE. Imagine the glory scene, my face caved in and there is just a black hole that leads straight to my intestines.

Am hungry now... Should go take some spagetti with tomato sauce. Haha.

I am so blessed

It's 5:40 now, I am so blessed, just another 2 hrs 20 mins and I am able to go home!

*Massive hemorrhage and faints.*

Pessimistic blog

I've already started sending out resumes and I hope some companies will get back to me soon. I am targetting at customer service jobs and looking out for sales job.

I need to find a sales job that allows me to claim taxi fares.

***
Shoutout to esther:

Sorry was in the company meeting just now when you msn me (I dun even know why I am there, I am totally not concentrating. And it doesnt help that I've decided to leave and hence I am very non-commitant in the entire meeting).

Thanks for your support. I wish I can catch some positive vibes from somewhere, somehow, but I only manage to cast more negative vibes only.

My entire blog is really now sporting a pessimistic atmosphere. Great. I blog, then read my blog and want to kill the author for being such a pessimist.

Just great.

Anyone have job recommendations?

I desperately want to quit my job, but I dunno what I should do after this, hence I cant quit yet.

Sometimes I dunno what's wrong with me, because I dont seem to be able to handle any form of stress.

I dread needing to go to work tomorrow and I dread seeing lw when she gives me a look of despair when I fail to give her a design that she can accept, for the 20th time.

Mashi tells me that I should quit and look for another job since I am so unhappy. But I really do not want to do that. I prefer to quit only after I've found another job, and it must be a good one.

Sis and lao da advise that I bear with the stress and make the best of the job and find another one if I really think I can take it no longer.

Slt has given up hope in me. I think he is going to deny any association of me as his friend. I've started here for not even a month and I am already strongly contemplating to leave.

But what I really want to do now is to ignore everyone's opinion and think for myself.

I really feel like quiting and then slowly find a job that I like, meanwhile resting. But even I myself feel that it is too much a luxury to ask for. How long had I been working only, why am I demanding rest every other month?

I read in a blog recently, on a girl who quitted her job. It was her first job since she graduated from poly and she was there for 3 yrs.

After she quit, she told herself she would rest while looking for another job. Well, she HAD been working for 3 long years. But her insurrance agent reminded her, what is 3 years as compared to the kind of working life our parents went through?

My mother had been working in her current job for at least 20 years. But to most young people like myself, we cant even imagine whether we will be in the same job a year from now.

Probably because loyalty doesnt cost these days. It isnt worth a cent. Companies arent looking for people who can stay forever, but they are looking for people who can contribute.

That is my point too. If I find out that I am no longer contributing to a company, I would contemplate to leave. If I am no longer adding value to a company, nor the company to me, I ought to go.

I have no idea what I really want to do should I leave this job. If there is anything that I know very much that I want, it is to go back to study.

But I dont have that kind of money.

I am aware that life is never a smooth path for anyone, and everyone faces some sort of problems that others cannot comprehend.

I am not saying my problem is the worst of any, and I am fully aware that somewhere, someone might be having it harder than me.

But please, friends, please do not tell me to pull myself together and remind myself that there are worse situations out there, or imply that you are having it bad too but you are holding out.

I dont understand your situation and you dont mine. You can stay by my side and offer me your minimum support, but please dont presume your stress level is higher than mine. Stress level isnt comparable from job to job, nor people to people. It is only comparable from myself to myself.

There isnt another person who can fully understand my pain, no matter how much you want to roll your eyes and tell me to stop faking it. Please try to accept that I am different from you all. I have a weak mind. One that is so weak that it translate any stress to tears.

You tell me that I have to be strong, but are you aware you can only ask someone who is capable of strength to be strong?

I am not the person with strength.

I never was.

My style of dealing with setbacks had all along been escapism. I hate myself for that but that isnt something that I can overcome within weeks or months.

All I want now is to be alone.

People, leave me alone now. Dont try to contact me. Let me sink to the bottom of the sea and hopefully I'll remember the urgent desire for oxygen.

Or anything, for that matter.

Double posting

Stole this from keeptouch. Haha.

Night out

I went drinking with mashi at dxo yesterday, and on the prefix that it would be free entrance and free flow of beer and housepour, we reached there at 9 plus.

The drinks were thin and doesnt render any intoxication at all. Boring. But the ladies there who got us drinks (bar waitress sounds like a weird term but I know no better) were pretty and friendly, and looked like a ex ex colleague.

I had 3 vodka oranges yesterday, a bourbon coke and a brandy 7up.

Too bad they are too thin.

Drinking with mashi isnt anything exciting despite our hype, she is still a better dinner over macdonald kaki. Haha.

Letting it go

I had a long telephone chat with sis and she was advising me that I ought to forgive adeline or I will forever be burdened with the hatred.

She told me I have to start to enjoy work or I will never be happy in this job.

I need to sleep on it. Good night.

Heck care lah!

Because I have already decided that I want to quit the job, I took it a step further by leaving the office at 7 while lw and yf went out for dinner.

I didnt finish my work before I leave, but I know that if I dont leave then, when they are back I would have to ask them for permission to go, many a times coupled with silly lies like meeting friend for coffee (Really~! I drink coffee after work everyday! *Roll eyes*).

All I want is to go home and rest, is that really too much to ask for?

Why is it that I need to lie about needing to rest, or become upset when I cant meet my friends because I have stupid ot to do?

This is just a job, for stupid's sake! Must I give up everything else I have to do a job that I dont even like?

For the money? Nah, the money factor isnt there in the job, with pay being pittance.

Colleagues? They are nice but not exactly a group that I cannot do without.

Job experience? I hate my field, I am here because I suck at everything else anyway.

Then what else is there? Nothing what.

And with that in mind, I left my work lying and went home. I am so upset at work these days that I cannot erase the sian look on my face. Whatever work that was given to me would be acknowledged with an 'orh', and I will zombie back to my seat and stared at the work with menace.

I arranged with mashi to go drinking this fri and after that I will stay over at her house. I've already agreed with her that we would spend fri night surfing job sites. Mashi has the intention to quit her job as well and we have allied to find a good next job.

Jia you!

And fuck tomorrow. I am dead meat tomorrow when lw interrogates me on why I never finish my work.

And my reaction would probably be an 'orh'.

Decided

I've decided to quit and look for another better paying job. At this rate that I am going I will never save enough to fund my studies.

I would probably even find brain-less jobs so that I can work two jobs at once and save faster.

That's decided then.

Crappy sunday

And so, I went back to work today.

YF said she will be there by 1pm, but because I need her to vet my work, I told her I will come around that time too.

But I know I wasnt going to reach there at 1 in case she turns up late. I didnt want to waste any more time there then I need to.

She sms-ed me to tell me she would be there until 5.30, and hence I happily turned up after 3.30. I reasoned that I must leave later than she does, otherwise I would appear as the slacker that I am, reaching late and leaving early.

LW was there also, but she left at around 4.30 after going through my work. Sheesh, if I know I can ask her to go through my work, I might as well went back yesterday afternoon. LW did mentioned on fri that she would be back yesterday and today.

But then again, if I were to go back yesterday, she would still expect me to be at work today.

I've already decided, should I need to sacrifice my sat/sun like that again, I will choose to go back on a sat night. I would probably reach there around 11pm and work through the night when there isnt anyone around.

I would have done that yesterday if it wasnt that I need YF to see my work first, and there was nothing else I can do until she sees through my work!!!

Suan le, over already, shant rant non stop about it.

I will be meeting mashi next fri for dinner and drinking, so I will be leaving pretty much on the dot on fri. If that doesnt sound familiar yet, I think I might need to go back for work next weekend.

Or for the matter, every weekend until I quit this job.

Sucks.

I am so tired now, and I still need to work for all the next few days! I seriously want to puke. Honestly I think this job isnt a good job. Granted that is stress in every job, a job that doesnt give you the chance to rest is one that sucks most.

The OT quota on this job is fuckingly high. I think I want to keep records so that I can complain to MOM.

Dettol

I really do hate work.

I have been doing so much ot already, yet they are asking me to go back during the weekends.

Of course they are not at fault, because I am the one who couldnt finish the work. They didnt give me an exceptional pile of work either, it is because I am not familiar with the work process hence it is taking me extra time to sort out information.

But I really cant take the stress of having to work ot everyday and through weekends. I told slt that I agreed to do ot whenever necessary, but I didnt realise it feels so terrible when it is a confirmed schedule to need to work on sun.

Also, partly it is because I felt I've drained my life at this job, clocking in long hours at work and having to sacrifice my weekends.

I was told I need to go back to work this weekend. I can assure you I had almost never been so useless before, when I immediately felt upset enough to bring a tear to my eye.

I blinked it away and bravely sat at my seat, working exceptionally slowly at my work because I was feeling defeated.

When the boss came over and asked me how it is going for me, I tried to force my brightest smile and told him everything is just fine, although inside me, I am already contemplating to leave.

Now at home I dont feel those emotions at all. As a matter of fact, when I was drinking with iris, slt, ec and kt just now, I also didnt feel the unhappiness even though they kept sensing something was wrong with me.

But when I was at the job, the waves of helplessness just sweeps over me so incessantly that I am permanently wearing a forlorn look. I think my colleagues are sick of seeing me in such a gloomy mood because my gloom always radiates in spiraling loops.

What should I do?

I sms peilin to lament and express my helplessness. She exclaimed : yikes, so what do you plan to do now?

I morbidly replied : Dettol sounds like a fine idea, 8 sounds like an auspicious number.

Alone in office

I'm in the office alone now, and I enjoy this feeling. I begin to realise it wasnt that I dislike doing OT, it is more rather than I prefer to be alone and not being forced to listen to music that I do not appreciate.

Anyway, if I cant leave by 7.30, it means I will not make it in time to watch either kxll at 9pm, or zhi zun hong yan at 9pm too, so there is really no rush to get home.

I'll like to watch the 11.30pm show though, so even if I leave by 10.00pm, I am still in time. So now I am doing what the others are doing, staying in the office enjoying the facilities.

And it is also to pretend to be working hard, cos tmr I have to leave very much on the dot to have dinner with iris. So I'll stay a little while longer today and tomorrow by 5.30 I will start to pack my stuff.

That is, if nothing cocks up and spoils my plan.

Muahahahaha.

Doing OT with the rest of them in the office feels like it is official OT even if I can leave anytime if I am kuai lan enough. Like my ex ex job, mashi always lament I spent TOO much time in the office, clocking 30 to 40 hours of unpaid OT a month.

I will even go back on public holidays to work from 11am to 9pm, and 10am to 6pm on sat.

I told mashi I dont mind doing ot, as long as it is not compulsory. If it is at my opot - own pace own target, for the uninitiated - I am very willing to do overtime. But I hate it in this company when they will give you work at 5.20.

(I meant to leave on the dot today, but I was given last min work at 6pm!!)

Sometimes I dunno if I should stay in this job and struggle like a fish out of water or not. But I can honestly tell you, I had never missed my freedom as much before this job.

My time had always been mine all along, but in this job my time seems to be surrendered at the door when I stepped in for work.

But the kind of angry tears I sometimes cry on this job proves that I cannot take this for long.

Pus hill

I've got a giant pimple on my nose and it is successfully driving me crazy.

 

It is so prominent that I am very tempted to put a plaster over it, and if people were to ask, then I would just nonchalantly say, oh, I got into a fight.

 

At least that sounds better than, oh, that pimple, it is really like a pus hill right, ha ha ha ha.

 

Someone save me, how do I get rid of this giant zit?

I am such a fussy bitch

When I was too free at work, I complain I that I am swatting flies only.
(Btw, slacking is fine, but my complains is that I have to look busy. With what! The point it.)

When I am eyebrow deep with work, I complain I am so stressed that I am going to die.

When I had to stay alone in office in my last job, I commented that I feel helpless when there was no one to ask when I have questions.

When I had a WHOLE BUNCH of colleagues staying every night in this job, each playing a different genre of music, I feel my head was swelling and near explosion.

If you are rolling your eyes now and want to punch me thoroughly, join the queue.

Even I want to punch myself, only that I've never successfully complete that move because I flinch before my air hit my face. I've slapped myself considerable number of times, though.

I'm really tired of ot-ing every night. I am so stressed by this routine that my tear ducts are beyond controlling these days, when I would bravely swallow my tears until I walk out of the office (usually with a lie about rushing to meet a friend).

I psych myself to think my working hours is from 9am to 8pm, but usually by 6pm I am already very tired, and I cant help but to buckle inside and wish to go home.

Today I had lots of work to do, but I didnt stay but went home at 7.30. I wish I could just walk out without feeling guilty, justifying that I've already put in my best efforts during working hours!

I did leave, but I felt so guilty that I brought work home to do. I end up feeling very miserable that I cant even rest after I've reached home. I think I'll not bring work home to do again, cos I can never draw the line at where I should stop and have some 'me' time.

I felt exceptionally stressed at this job mostly because I never felt I was up to the job. I joined the job to prove myself right. I wanted to feel I am able to accomplish anything I want if I set my heart to it, but I've been proven wrong once and again in this job.

That is why earlier I mentioned I want to get away, for a while, from the people I know. I hate to be so depressed and moody that all my friends are worried about me. At the same time, I cant seem to do anything to help myself.

I must find the courage to call 1800-221-4444. I need to talk to someone who dunno me. I think I will call on fri night after my date with iris.

Hopefully the call will save.

9am to 8pm

These days, to make myself feel better, I start to tell myself that my working hours are from 9am to 8pm.

I've been doing so much overtime that I've forgotten how it is like to leave while the sky is still lit. But luckily I start work at 9am, I still get to enjoy a bit of harm that comes in the form of ultraviolet rays from the morning sun.

So now, as I am typing this, it is actually 3pm and I am slacking because there is nothing to do. But I know by around 5, work will appear miraciously on my workstation, demanding immediate attention. More often than not, it will be required by 8am the next morning.

The people in my office enjoy doing overtime so much that they only seem to come to life by 5pm. Any earlier than that the whole office is just a vacuum of dead air. I usually spend my whole morning msn-ing and pretending to be working.

It is tedious, pretending to be working when you have, in fact, nothing to do at all. I cant just sit around surfing net or msn-ing the whole morning, unlike my colleagues.

Note:
I eventually left office at 7.30. Actually I could have left at 6pm sharp when the other two designers are not around, but I foolishly didnt.

I even had to lie that I am meeting a friend for coffee before I can leave. Sigh, how pathetic. What's wrong with this company? Does the words 'family' and 'home' ring any bells?

My social life sucks

I'm so sleepy that I think I am going to die. There wasnt things to do for the whole of yesterday, well until 5.20pm, when I was counting down to leave for the hospital.

They started passing me things to do and all of them needed immediately. In the end I OT-ed till 8.30pm.

You really cant blame me for being pissed, it is like the last job, swatting flies the whole morning then giving me urgent work just before I leave for the day.

In this company it is worse because many a times I am OT-ing because I am waiting for response or reply or for someone else to finish his/her part of job.

All the waiting made me very jumpy, because I want to go home to watch tv and surf net etc. You may say these are not important things but they are to me ok!

I contemplated asking to have my working hours changed to 11 to 9 instead to match the knockoff time I am experiencing these days.

Mashi say if that really happens, I wont be able to arrange any gatherings with friends.

Know what? At the current rate, I wont make it anyway.

Overpaid cleaning auntie

I wish she wont keep asking me to pack up the place only to mess it up again. Sometimes I feel like an overpaid cleaning auntie here.

 

I'm praying there wont be ot later, she says today is quite a free day. I need to visit my grandfather at the hospital later, despite yday's post. =P

Bad day

You know you had a bad day when the pair of shoes you intend to wear needs sudden repairing, and the pair you eventually decide on splits open by the time you reach office.

 

Sheesh.

On mother's day

I dont even bother to say happy mother's day to her because I seriously do not care too much if she is happy or she is not. Call me ungrateful and I will ask you ungrateful about what? About the education I've received or the food I've eaten? Or how I can arrive at this world?

How can I be grateful when I hate life on a general whole? Life has always sucks for me, so much so that I cant even justify why am I still alive when plenty of loved beings are dying everyday.

Why dont gods be fair and give those people whom are widely loved a longer life, and those who are pathetically agonising a shorter pain span?

So tell me, is there a reason for life to celebrate? If there isnt, what is there to be gratified about her giving me my life?

All these years, it has never been a secret that I cannot get along with her. For all my life she has been constantly angry and she will take her anger out on me. She dotes on my elder brother so much that my eyes are permanently rolled when she gushed about him. It could be anything from he slept ONLY 8 hours before his working shift or his mediocre achievements on the job (like boss remember his name).

Friends always asked me that since I am the only daughter in the family, am I cherished and preciously guarded? I would always snicker and repeat : No.

I've blogged before how I never had a curfew in my life, not because my parents are a liberal pair, but more because they couldnt give a fuck about where I am. There was once when I staggered home after drinking at around 3am in the morning, the lights are all out (as always after my elder brother had reached home) and I went to sleep after iced water. The next afternoon, she told me that she didnt sleep well the previous night until EB came home at 1am. I asked her did she realised I came home at 3am? She said she was already asleep by then.

I've blogged about how I pretended that I didnt receive calls from home even after 12am in the morning because my battery had went flat? He was a new friend then and after he received a call from his mother at 12am, I felt obliged to act I was missed at home too.

These days I roam the house getting out of her way by trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. It is not simple, for she finds fault with whatever I do. I shant even go into the level of favoritism she display, when she have a different set of reaction to the same wrongdoing done by EB and myself.

I dislike her so much that in return, I tend to keep away from my maternal grandparents. My grandmother dotes on me but I dont return the affection. My grandfather is in hospital now for routine observation but I have no wish to visit him.

That is very juvenile I know, but you know how sometimes you do things even though you know it is wrong.

Taking my time

I'm sad that I've temporarily dropped my 2b schedule. I should be learning 2b but not knowing how to ride a bicycle disable my dreams.

I console myself by saying I have one year from the day of registration to complete the license before I'll need to renew at $21/half a yr, and it will expire in feb 2007 only, so that's another 8 mths away. Let's hope I'll miraculously learn how to ride a bicycle within 6 mths and I'll pia my 2b within 2 mths.

Arh.. (waves hand nonchanantly), worse come to worst I'll just spend another $21 renewing for half a year. I am determined to get my license anyway, so I'll just take my own sweet time.

*Pats myself on the shoulder.*

Wedding invitation

I am invited to an ex-colleague's wedding dinner. I dont know this person exceptionally well, but I guess he is inviting me out of politeness.

But I think I am not going, and I will be informing by thurs I think. I am going to give a vague reason like it's a birthday celebration of a friend (a reason that never fails to work) and just give an ang bao of $50.

I dont want to go mainly because I dont wish to make small talk with people, abeit they are ex colleagues - people whom I know. But this is also precisely why I shouldnt go, cos I dont wish to give anyone chance to corner me around a round table of auspicious sounding food and question me.

And so!... I'm embracing solitude anyway.

Guess mothers univerally practice favouritism

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony!"

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come, Mama."

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her
hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."


***

On a side note, I believe you can tell I am at home, surfing net mindlessly. I am free enough to read jokes and play silly computer games and is waiting for a show to start on channel 55 at 8pm.

I've decided that I will be disappearing from any circles of friends I have for a while. I shall not worry feverishly why none of my friends are asking me out. I shall enjoy this period of solitude and hopefully settle down in the job.

With that, I am going to spend all my free time at home now. Resting will top my priority list from now.

Msn conversation with yang

Kanigi says: i can only be warmed by the fact that, tmr they are going to a coll's wedding that i've declined to go

Yang says: u seem like u r being tormented in there

Kanigi says: means tmr i can go home on time

Kanigi says: sigh

Kanigi says: guess once and only chance

Yang says: pray hard, to any god

Kanigi says: i've since decided to give up leaving my fate to god.

Kanigi says: cos whatever i do, i seem to be single-handedly drove myself to a dead corner

Kanigi says: complete with spikes

Yang says: get urself a chisel then, chip off those spikes

Kanigi says: heng everytime at this time of the day will see u online

Kanigi says: anyway

Kanigi says: i eavesdrop senior designer's conversation

Yang says: ?

Kanigi says: she is watching movie at 9.30

Kanigi says: meaning she will leave ard 9 latest

Kanigi says: 9!!!!!!!!!!!

Kanigi says: very late

Yang says: woot!~

Kanigi says: but at least a target

(10 minutes later)

Kanigi says: i going home soon

Kanigi says: yay

Kanigi says: she left

Yang says: good

Kanigi says: i should b able to leave within 10 mins

Kanigi says: yay yay yay yay yay

Yang says: lol

Yang says: pop a campaign there

Kanigi says: i am so HAPPY with capitals!!!!!

Yang says: o.O

Headlines: New Duties Includes Clearing Bins

Never in my life had I worked a job that requires me to clear the bins. As a matter of fact, I had never need to wash any cups other than my own. I had been working in large established companies for the past two times, and hence I never need to do all these tasks.

 

I do not think cleaning up is lowly or bad or what, but it is just wrong to be bao sua bao hai like this.

 

I told peilin I had to clear the bins because I was the earliest today, and hence I will try not to come early in future, and she said:

 

WHAT?!?! First person in should clear the dustbins?!?! What kinda employee incentive is that?!?! It's like "Congrats on being early. Here's your present. They are hidden in the bins."

 

As always, if I am not the one suffering the plight, it would be remotely funny.

 

-_-"

 

For a company that doesnt want to spend the money to take care of the upkeep of the company, but instead, rather have staff to do the cleaning job as well, I guess it only tells how fantastic the welfare is like.

 

Also, like I had been speaking in the last few entries, I dun like the way the team spirit works.

 

I admit I was happy to hear, during the interview, that when someone needs to stay, everyone will stay together. But I never realised it would be this bad. I was just hanging around in the office, not daring to leave because I was afraid of how the rest of the team views me.

 

Betrayer?

 

Traitor?

 

I've got no idea. 

 

So I hang around, trying to think of a legimate reason to leave before they do. I watch time crawled by, thought abt all the shows I've missed while I am in the office, and realised I might never be able to make it to meet friends again and I feel miserable.

 

I dunno if I can be objective enough towards the good points of the company to want to stay on. 

 

Okay, no point decieving myself. I dont see the point. My interest still lies in system furniture.

 

Slt is appalled to hear how I already is inclincing towards disliking the company just 5 days into work. He told me I should be trying to accept and adapt to the environment, not pick on it.

 

But tell me, how can I deal with this with an open mind? Keep telling myself it is a way to build a amicable character?

 

What bullshit.

 

I understand the holy concept of accepting and adapting, but I have no idea how to exercise it.

 

I feel a damnit need to escape from this place right now. I am very tempted to walk out for some shoe shopping.

 

That's right people, if you cant already tell, I am going to start looking for another job. I wont rush, but I will start to send out applications and take my time to go through many interviews first. I dowan to rush like always, and taking the first job offer that comes by.

 

I need good luck, everyone give me yours.

When life's a joke

I wish I can guffaw, slap my thigh in glee and then relates it to friend with a healthy self-diss way, but I cant. When life's a joke to me, I am tempted to kick it in its stomach and break it into half by shoving my knee into its back.

If only life is this tangible.

Sibei Eng: Design Directory

I am interested in design as per always, but most of the time, my passion is restricted to studying and teaching abt it. See Design Directory for listing of many different fields of design.

I sigh

I am in the office again, waiting for team members to finish work.

 

I swear should I leave this job I want to find a job that doesnt require so fucking much team spirit. Hungry like hell but cant leave because have to wait around.

 

Should I just request to go home? Let them hate me, I dont love the job anyway.

 

 

OT

Honestly, I prefer to do ot alone. Although it doesnt feel as spooky with people around, it is very stressful when you are distinctively hungry and tired but you cant leave because the rest of the ppl havent leave.

 

This is how I feel now.

 

LW is sitting in front of me, waiting for me to finish my work so that she can go through it, and will give me comments so that I can change it for the better. I wouldnt usually mind, but on a night when I am hungry like siao, it is really very cham to sit here and not being able to go home.

 

I hope she dont have more opinions, lest I will be missing my xia yi dao cai hong's last episode all together.

 

=(

Sneaking around

That's what I feel I have been doing these days, sneaking around the office trying to go unnoticed.

 

The colleagues are being nice, but maybe because I havent warm up to them yet, it feels remotely strange to make small talk even. Hence I have been trying to be invisible in the office, lest they try to make me feel comfortable.

 

There is full internet connection here, meaning I can surf net anytime I want to, but because I am still new here, so I am sticking to not use it as far as I can.

 

Which is seriously very difficult, given that everyone in the office is logged on to msn. I have to will my finger to stop straying to the messenger icon in the taskbar.

 

I desperately want to log on to msn so that I can talk to my friends. I need some company, something that I cannot recieve over sms cos it is not instant enough.

 

But I've begin to switch on my radio. I turn the volume down so that it doesnt hinder anyone else. Music is of great comfort to me. =)

My uncertainty is not addressed

I spoke to the manager today regarding the working hours but nothing is black and white now.

He told me he understood from HR (I spoke to HR as advised by linda because manager not in) that I was asking about the working hours, so it saved my time asking.

He told me that the format is standard, but my working hours will be as he told me during the interview, mon to fri, 9 to 6.

But then he sighed and told me that he will have to get back to me regarding that issue. Meanwhile I am to keep the letter in my drawer until he have an answer for me.

Weird.

Dun care la, at least I have his bit of assurance that I dont have to work on sat. If later he said elsewise at the most dont work lor.

Heck care.

Giant frustration

I am cursed.

Really.

I am so unlucky that I must be able to make it to the top 100 chart of suayness easily, if such thing exist.

My life is such a big obstacle that I keep stumbling over myself. For the past 3 jobs, my received salary has been going down, benefits going down, but working hours going up.

Of course it is not fair to say of this job when I've only been here for 1 day, but I foresee gloom already.

I am most frustrated that like the last job, I had to hang around doing nothing while they set up my computer. I mean, if they know that I am starting work today, shouldnt they be at least get my comp up?

Also, I started work without signing my appointment letter, but I expected the letter to be given to me early this morning.

Nevermind that they didnt, but there are many suspicious points in the appointment letter. I mean the contents look very much to the company's advantage.

In one line, it says that during the probation, the company is entitled to rights to terminate my service with one wk notice, but 2 pages later it says 1 month notice is needed for either party whom want to terminate the contract of work.

It made things sound like if they want me out, they can wave me goodbye after one wk, but if I have to go, I have to give one month's notice or pay one month's pay in lieu.

I went to the hr to clarify, she told me that if I want to terminate while I was having probation, it would be one wk's notice. Upon confirmation it would be one month.

Thiat is the standard to almost every company, but I've never seen an appointment letter so vague.

Also, during the interview, I was told that the official working hours will be 9-6 mon to fri. There might be ot necessary, but there wont be ot pay (like most companies these days). We might be expected to work on sats and suns as well but the manager say he will leave it to our initiative.

Today, the appointment letter reads 9-6 mon to fri, 9-1 sat.

Earlier, I was still telling my mother that even if I have to ot without pay, I am willing to take the job given that the company had already taken the step to make official working hours shorter. More likely than not, the non-official working hours will be longer than the official hrs, but well, give and take mah.

But if it is 5.5 day wk, honestly there is a large chance of me quitting.

I dowan to sound like a spoilt brat, but I want to take control of my life. 2 jobs ago it was 5-day wk, last job was 5.5day on alt wks, hence I DO NOT WANT this job to be 5.5day wk EVERY WEEK.

*Rubs temple in ferocious circles*


On another note,
The colleagues are very nice, and I am still acting the shy girl. Haha. They are already convincing me to pick up cancer sticks again and assure me that my probation is tagged to the number of bottles I can down in one drinking session.

Humourous lot, but I dont feel like opening up to them yet.

Sick feeling

I'm feeling sick.

I am really worried about work tomorrow, not knowing how to fit in, and not knowing if I can fit in even if I try very hard.

I've been telling myself these days that it is no longer good enough to say I'll try my best. If I want to get anything done, I must tell myself I CAN do it. I need my voice to reassure myself, so I keep chanting over and over again, reminding myself I have to gather my confidence.

But I am so worried I think I am going to break down already.

I had to take paracetamol to curb my headache and I broke a mug in my distraction. I didnt drop it, I actually smashed it into the against the wall when I was walking to the kitchen to get it washed. The mug was empty, so I guess I swung it in an arc that was too big for the narrow corridor.

I think I want to cry.

The uneasiness is swallowing me up.

Letter to a friend

Dear Erv,

I was going through a currently defunct email address and I saw a mail from you.

------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Wednesday, June 08, 2005 1:03 PM

Subject: Re: contact list

Hi moody girl...

how r u now?? still working as temp??? or switch jobs alr... its been so long.. haven heard from u...
------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry I saw this email only now, but being the wonderful person I am, I shall still reply to your email despite the differences in the dates. Hahaha.

Actually, you would have known all the answers to the above questions if you had bothered to send me a few sms-es to ensure I hadnt die. So much for being friends. And speaking of sms-es, I wonder if you had already changed your hp number, because you hadnt reply to my recent sms-es either.

If you had changed, all I can say is: thanks alot, really.

Anyway, the last dinner arrangement we had almost fall through because you couldnt made it. I thought you will at least bother to arrange for another date but I hadnt heard anything from you. If you are going to arrange anything again, try to arrange it on thurs or fri.


Ok, w/ rgds to your email:

First of all, who are you calling a moody girl? I am not moody.

I've left the bank since nov2005. Joined another company but had left since. I am starting on a new job coming wed, on 3rd may, and I am feeling very insecure about it because I am not confident of performing. The jobscope is demanding and difficult as far as I had gathered, and I am quite nervous about not being able to match the company's expectation.

Will tell you more in future. But that is depending on when you will actually reply to this email. Probably by then I've job-hopped again, who knows.


Take care!
'Moody girl'

Cheers from the stand

I thought there is no reason telling why I hate to watch sports on tv. But there is.

I used to think I hate commentors' voices because I hate it that they are using their voice to earn a living while I cant, despite having a lovely voice *ahem*.

Hahaha.

But I've just realised why exactly. I cant stand the cheering from the stands! Why the fuck are all of you so happy? SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!

Cease being exuberant! You all make me sick.

*Breathes in* *Breathes out*

I stayed over at mashi's place yesterday and we watched samsoon. Mashi was feeling incredulous on how heejin lost to samsoon. Samshi cant even bring himself to say he loves samsoon, but he admitted that he is happy with her around and he thinks of her all the time.

Also comparatively, samsoon isnt even on par with heejin's love for samshi. Samsoon cried for him, yes, but that is about all. She is nothing heejin is, in terms of looks and status etc.

Heejin is pretty, came from a rich family, smart (stereotyping here, I thought so because she studies medicine), in love with samshi for forever, and had left samshi (her departure caused samshi to hate her) because she was aneorexic and needed to seak treatment.

(She didnt want to tell samshi of her sickness then because samshi just lost his brother to an accident and heejin didnt want him to dread that she might die.)

Everything that samshi had wronged her for was actually something she did for the good of him.

Yet she lost samshi.

I told mashi I love how this show goes. You are wonderful, you committed more, you had an obvious advantage but life can still fuck you.


Life sucks, so stop being so happy already.

Make up routines

I've got the progress package money since last fri like the rest of singapore, and today I've happily spent 12.5% of it. Heehee. I spent $100 within 1 hour on clothes and make up.

I've bought an eyeliner pencil and a purple mascara, among all my purchases, and I am still experimenting with them.

My hands shivers and hence I cant manage to draw a proper eyeline. But I am happy with the purple mascara. It is really bold, but I like the way it draws attention to my eyelashes because given the way they are borned as, no one will never notice my eyelashes under normal circumstances.

But it is too bold for normal use I feel. Maybe I will reserve it for night-out nights.

And speaking of so, I had been contemplating for a while. Should I be applying mascara on a normal basis or should I reserve it for special days? I prefer to reserve it, because I am lazy. Sigh. What a reason. -_-"

But applying mascara immediately gives the feeling of a heavily made-up face. I had been keeping my makeup routine as moisturiser > tinted moisturiser > foundation > eyebrow.

If I want to include eyelashes, I might have to go moisturiser > tinted moisturiser > foundation > eyebrow > eyeliner > mascara > eyeshadow.

That will kill. I dont think I am that diligent.

Chen Guo Bang

I dunno why I like him that much, but I just do. =)

I started liking him since the show, 杨门女将, but because he is not a very well-known artiste, I never saw him in other shows.

That was until I saw two sundays ago, while I was surfing the channels with the mannerism of man, I saw him in 绝代双娇. That revived my interest in him.

He's 陈国邦. Read about his role in 杨门女将 here.

Because he is not well known, none of my friends can give me his name. (Give them the credit, I cant even give proper description of him.) I googled 杨门女将 and 绝代双娇 but I didnt manage to get results of his profile because he is not exactly the lead in either show.

I spent at least 5 hours trying to look up his name but I got nowhere. Then I saw his name in 8 days under the 绝代双娇 synopsis. (Before anyone question, his name isnt listed under i-weekly's synopsis of the same show.)

Power Chan.

Ok, name sounds weird, but then again many hong kong and taiwan artistes' names sound weird, like Bosco Wong.

I went to yahoo.tw and started going through the whole list of hong kong actors' with surname as 陈 and I finally found his fansite.

He is really not popular but well, that's life.

With the 2nd part of the search, I've came to tvb's website where all the artistes are listed (I swear I came to this website but I couldnt find a direct link to the artistes list). From the list I can further link to the drama page, where I can read all the synopsis of all the dramas by tvb. That's really wonderful, ya?

(I am currently reading 下一站彩虹 starring myolie wu.)

I just realised that he acted in 'W' Files as well, a show that is shown on channel 8 these days on the weekends at 7pm. I prefer him as 程刚 in 杨门女将 anytime though.