Bourbon Coke

Was attending a friend's friend's charity event today at Harry's Bar at Millenia Walk, and not quite noticing myself, I'd ordered a bourbon coke.

I hadnt been drinking for a while already, because it brings back too many memories that I have no wish to remember. I wonder how come I cannot overwrite those memories with happier ones, especially when I'd found a new group of acquaintances who loves to drink.

Ordering bourbon coke had seemed so natural, and the taste still agreed with me. The hostess confirmed with me that I was indeed drinking BC before giving me an approving nod, as if to say that this is the only drink that serious drinker should indulge in.

She subsequently asked me if I am a good drinker, and I confessed that I hadnt touch the vile for ages. (Of course I mean I hadnt been drinking excessively. Time to time I still drink socially, but I will stop at one.) She explained that bourbon is a type of hard liquor and most people cannot take it.

Is it so? I queried. That seemed so weird. Because BC had always been the easiest to drown down my throat, and because I know bourbon is a type of housepour, it had always came across to me as a drink that is meant for the beginners.

Maybe that is why whenever I ordered this drink, guys look at me like I am some weirdo from another solar system, and when they actually drank it themselves, they nod their heads in affirmative, that I am indeed from another solar system.

But actually, I chose it because this is his choice of drink. And inevitably, I picked that up. If you ask me whether I like the drink or not, I have no answer for you. But certainly I know that my body doesnt resist it.

I'm trying, already!

My classmate studied maths using chinese previously, and now that when she need to do maths using english, the language difference makes a big barrier.

Hence she'll sms/call/msn me very frequently, asking me to help her with her assignment.

I try my best to help, but she contact me very often, too often actually.

I dont mind if I am at home, or if I am out with friends. But if I am at work and I am drowning already, it is very frusting to see your msn blink and handphone ring at the same time. Ignore both and the msn window keeps flashing, signalling new messages, and sms ringtone sounded.

She'd already copied my maths assignment, and english assignment. What else does she wants?!!?!?

Sigh.

Must be more tolerant, must be more tolerant.

A role I cant play, yet.

I dont want to smoke, but I needed to.

I know how self-delusive that sounds, but I am not lying. I havent been smoking for approximately 4 months, less the occasional social sticks.

But whenever I feel very stressed, I inevitably buy a pack and start smoking away. I know I have to pull myself together, gain confidence of myself, and introduce a system to this team of messy trains of thought. But I am being sucked into the abyss with everyone telling me different things.

I know my role, but I have no idea how to perform it.

But I must.

Who is trying to hijack my gmail?

Someone is trying to reset my gmail password.

Is it because they want to hijack this blog?

Hey, dont bother leh, my password is a random string of 15 alphanumeric word that I cannot remember myself. I dont believe you can guess it. Use a hijacker software will be faster.

Musical performance is not really my cup of tea

My younger brother joined the band in secondary school when I psyched him that it would be the cheapest place to learn a musical instrument in one's life.

Do that, or be like me, years later when I finally decide to pick up some musical instrument skills, die of fright from the amount of money that it would cost me.

He heeded my advice, and I am quite assured that he will agree that it was worth while, given that how strong his music theory is.

But every time I watched him trying to sell the performance tickets to lukewarm response like my own, I feel very bad that I am not being supportive. However, he had also expressed that he don't want me to attend because I feel obliged to, but only attend if I am really interested.

Damn, I'm a lousy sibling. Won't even take the effort for him.

A scream due to 4 strands of white hair

I visited the dentist today for a routine dental check. 20min and $77 later, I walked out with extremely sore jaws.

I hadnt been to a dentist for a few years, but am lucky to report that my teeth are generally ok. Even my wisdom tooth looks fine. That's good news, because extracting wisdom tooth will equate to a big hole in my pocket.

And I dont have the kind of money.

In other news, I'd spotted 4 strands of white hair this morning. You should thank god that you are not near enough to hear my scream. I am going to take my multi-vitamins pills religiously now, and am considering to dye my hair this weekend.

New dictionary website wanted

That's it, Dictionary.com is hereby eliminated from the bookmark toolbar in all 3 computers I access to, work and otherwise.

The slot will go to another dictionary which doesnt attempt to hijack my query into lumps and lumps of advertisements, with definition of my query still unanswered.

I cannot believe that dictionary.com is being bought over by ask.com, and although the deal was sealed months ago, the new interface only showed up very recently. Ask.com is one of the most unfriendliest websites ever, and now that it bought over dictionary.com (together with my favourite thesaurus.com), it thought it will be boosted up the ranks to be on par with Google and etc, but please.. fat hope.

Some friends are out to hurt you

Up to this second, I never understood why he does that. To him, I'm simply someone 挥之则来，呼之则去. He speaks to me when he needs someone to talk to, disappears when he likes to.

This is the way friends treat each other?

I am no longer understanding this world. I guess certain people are meant to come into your life, puncture a few holes, deflate you then quickly leave before you collapse on them.

But why?

Talking to mother on the phone

I was reading smootie's blog (have been a follower for a while now) and was nodding my head in recognition to her description of her mother, because everytime she does that, it feels like she is describing my mother.

Makes me suspect that such characteristic is standard among mothers.

So smootie was saying that her mother has the habit of screaming on the phone, and hanging up the phone on her.

Hey, my mother loves to do that too!

When we are on the phone, she will speak slowly and distractedly, while I will try my best to make her talk coherently. Then when is satisfied with whatever answer she gotten from me, she will simply click off.

The Mother: How to go to Pan Pacific hotel?

(Yes, she dont waste pleasantries on me.)

Me: From where?

TM: My office.

Me: -gives directions-

TM: Ok. (and clicks off)

Me: - says huh?!? to air, then slowly draws the phone from my face and put it away.

Imagine the awkwardness when I have to turn around to my friends and explain that the reason why the conversation ended abruptly is due to TM hanging up one me.

Nothing constructive

How can it be only 5pm? I'd already been doing nothing constructive for the past 8 1/2 hours?

Can't be, can't be.

Inflation

I am forever worried about inflation, and how $100 of today can only be good enough for 2 cans of maling luncheon meat 20 years from now.

Maybe that seems like an exaggeration, but maling used to cost $1.70 last year, and is costing $2.80 this year, and that is a 65% increase!

I am seriously worried about my money. I can put in in a fixed deposit for 1.2% interest, but inflation is coming at 4.5% - 5.5% for last year, and the forecast is that this will proceed.

I tried investments, and so far it has been a loss, due to the fact of the uncertainty in the stock markets, no thanks to the crazy oil prices.

Then what do I do now? Withdraw all 5k I have, spend them while they still have value, and live as a pauper after that? At least I wont see my monetary value disintegrate into thin air.

Tumbling

I'm officially with this company for 8 months and some days. The first 6 months were great, now things are tumbling downhill.

For these last few months, I had been confined to this office, as Mr Boss and Mr Prettyboy had taken over the role of meeting every single client, and I am banished to this 800 sq ft little space, churning out drawings after drawings, presentation boards after presentation boards.

I am one of those few who hates desk bound job, and that is precisely the reason why I chose to study ID in the first place. If I want to be chained to my desk, then I would jolly well stay in my high-paying bank job.

Mr Boss and Mr Prettyboy takes on the role of meeting the client, then return to tell me what the clients want, and I implement their wishlist. From space planning to design to presentation format, everything had already been decided, and I am no more than a glorified draftsperson, although Mr Boss and Mr Prettyboy like to acknowledge me as the chief designer-to-be.

Yah right.

I am merely taking instructions, sometimes so vague I think I can put a hand through the mist, and dutifully carrying it out. It doesnt take a designer to do that. At least not a non-junior designer. One can understand if the designer is fresh to the company, close supervision might be required, in case he/she burn down the building.

But I was never one of those dimwitted employees who needs boss nearby to save the day every single day. True, I screwed up before, but I always salvage situations and I take that as a learning experience.

That is why in all my previous jobs, my bosses are extremely comfortable leaving me alone with the project, minimum instructions, and plenty of space. Hours before deadline is up, work is always completed, properly printed and labeled, with sensible colour coding and explanatory notes.

But over here, I feel like I am THE dimwitted employee, and it is the result of Mr Boss's request to show him every single thing that I do, before I show it to the client (that little faith in me?!?!), and also the result of Mr Prettyboy enjoyment of overwriting my decisions.

I am always the aggressive and ambitious individual in a company, and am not afraid to show that I want more. I am easily bored, and need new challenges to give me an adrenaline rush. Long way back, since my interview with Mr Boss, I already told him the same thing. I leave one job after another, because I can no longer find goals in the job.

I need competitions and I need it fast.

He assure me that there will be plenty for me to learn, and I shall never feel bored.

Ha Ha Ha. Very Funny.

I cannot comprehend why must I strictly follow the path he mete out for me. Sure, this path was suitable for Mr Prettyboy to tread on, but I am not his replica, so why is Mr Boss giving me a duplicate path?

If he have my best interest in mind, shouldnt he be providing me a route that is made-to-measure? I distinctively remembered telling him that I don't really need someone to point me to the light, as I prefer to stumble and crawl my way to the destination, thank you very much, but since he insist, I oblige.

Yet, wouldn't it make more sense to ensure this path will work for me, since he is the one who insisted on cloning creating this? I guess no. I am to extend both arms and hug whatever he bestow upon me.

And how blasphemous!, to refuse his generous offer.


Sigh. Can't he tell that I am best left alone? I dont need enlightenment. At least, all I need is a single light bulb, not 10 sets of soccer field flood lights? Don't try to blind me please.


Postnote:

I spoke to The Mother, and she thought, then ask me one single question.

"Do you think your boss never needed a designer to begin with?"

And she is right. Mr Boss and Mr Prettyboy separately told me before, that I was hired when they were under pressure to meet deadlines. They were desperate to take just about anybody, but they are pleasantly surprised to find out I was more capable than they assumed.

So the point is, as much as close to perfect as an employee one can be, given that I fulfill all the items on most's checklist, for I am enthusiastic, software-skillful, bilingual, young, intelligent, patient, cheerful, etc....

...I am not the perfect candidate they are looking for.

You have no idea how sad that sounds.

The desire to make things work for you

The Mother still has this habit of asking me about adobe illustrator, a software that she uses regularly at work. To her, since I know adobe photoshop, then I must know how to operate illustrator.

Which is a strange concept.

I think I blogged about this before, how it is ridiculous to associate two softwares based on the fact that they are released by the same company. I mean, I shouldn't necessary know excel if I know powerpoint, even if they are both products of microsoft.

And so today, I have the luxury to leave work pretty much on time, and reached home early enough to do a little dance of joy. And immediately she have to bombard me with her queries, as though I am helpdesk itself.

I told her since I dont know this software, she should instead find someone who is well-versed enough to answers her questions, and direct all questions there!

She say the only person she knows who can manipulate this software with no trouble is a vendor, who is often busy, and possibly cant answer her questions in time.

"Bribe." I told her.

Treat this person more meals, treat this person with more kopi breaks. When you call this person on the phone, make sure you ask if he is free enough to answer one question, and dont push your luck. If he is free enough to answer, ensure your query is structured simply and precisely.

She whine and said mutter that it is easy for me to say, since I know photoshop. I told her that even if we dont use this skill as a guideline, there's hundred of other skills that I had zero information to begin with, but I found ways to make things work for me.

For example, when I first joined ID, I know nuts about mechanical and electrical specifications. I had to make sure my m&e colleagues like me enough to not go crazy whenever I raise a question. When I am on site, I will greet them before they greet me, which to them is surprising because designers are well-known for being arrogant.

And if my other designers colleagues refused to take their calls, or delay sending out drawings to them while asking them to accede to impossible deadlines, they will call me and I'll retrieve the drawings for them, mark out information carefully by colour coding, and emailing it to them immediately.

It took me lots of time on my side, when I have to do all these on top of the mad workload I have.

But well it helped me, didnt it?

So all it takes is the desire to make things work for you. Dont expect to gain if you are not willing to contribute. But why doesnt The Mother understand that?

Overnight

I met up with friend yesterday for a drink, then followed by a movie. The whole session started at 9pm and ended at 2am. After which, to the surprise of the boys, I insisted on returning to office to continue with my work.

That was 6 hours ago. Now I am STILL in the office.

Sometimes I dont know how I do it.

Out of sorts

I am feeling out of sorts.

Unexplainable. But unmistakably jittery.

Why?

Late late late

It is getting increasingly difficult to wake up in the morning, and hence I have been late to work EVERY SINGLE DAY these days.

And it doesnt help that the bus journey is getting fucking slower everyday. While it used to take me 45mins to reach work, it is taking me like 70 minutes now. To reach office on time, by right I have to leave home at 7.20am, but between 7:15am to 7:35am there's no bus services.

(There is, but that is a 105B that travels to clementi mrt only, bloody hell.)

And if I miss the 7:35am bus, the next one seems to come only at 7:50am, and therefore I am reaching work at 9am, 30 whole minutes after my working hours!

I know I can make it if I take the 7:15am bus, but that effectively means I have to get up at 5:45am, for I need 90minutes in the morning to get ready, for I need to wash my hair, blow dry, iron clothes and conceal my bloody dark circles.

(The dark circles portion takes me 10 minutes a day. And it takes longer if I slept less the previous night.)

But to wake up at 5:45am, and to be able to get 7 hours sleep as recommended by my doctor, in a bid to cure my migraine, I should go to sleep at 10:45pm.

If I spend only 1 hour on myself, no matter is it on tv or on newspaper or on comp games, I have only between 9:45pm to 10:45pm to do so.

Going backwards still, I need another 30mins or so to bathe and remove makeup after work, so that means I have to get to it at 9:15pm.

If it takes me 1 hour to travel home after work, that means I have to leave office at 8:15pm.


But I usually leave office at 11pm. Sometimes as early as 7pm, sometimes as late as 3am. Little wonder why I never get enough sleep. And on the days which I leave early, I still end up not sleeping enough because I seems to be only compensating my earlier incurred sleep debt.

Jiu ming ar!

Trip

I am going on a trip this friday, but I hadnt got the chance to prepare anything. Doing OT everynight does little to help.

I still need to get a haircut, and buy new supplies of contact lens, and need to pack my luggage. I have no time to do all these, and the trip is less than 4 days away!

Oh dear oh dear oh dear!!

The only way to do it, will be to get a bit done everynight from now till then.

Sigh, I thought it is a vacation? Why is is stressing me up so much?

MIA

I hadnt been blogging enough, had I?

Like mentioned in my last entry, work has been getting dreary and uninspiring. I'd brought work home to do thins wkend, but nothing is none as of now. Shit.

What's wrong?

I dunno what's wrong with me, but I am certainly not in the mood to do any work. It's not because of Monday for sure, as Mondays had always been one of my favourite days of the week.

Aww.. What's wrong with me?

Tired

Sigh. Scolded by boss.

I am tired.