Walked away

I met up for dinner with the gang although I was reluctant, I felt a strong sense of apprehension but it is not something that I can just wave away. Then again, I know it is not fair to the rest of them if I avoid them because I have an issue with myself.

I can avoid jes or vince (see below) or those creatures whenever I want because they are not important to me. I dont have to see them in a good light because I dowan to, anyway.

But I have no reason to abuse the sweetness and tolerance the gang extended to me. They had supported me through that episode, and I really shouldnt imagine any of them is not being genuine to me.

I arranged to meet en'en and pris below the office block and michael was there as well. Today's jane's birthday and I randomly picked out a cheap present for her.

Jane is vince's wife and around 1 or 2 wks before I left the job, I began to talk to her more frequently. Previously I find her fierce and intimidating, so I always avoided talking too much to her.

I made it a point to want to give jane's a present partly because it is my habit to give birthday presents as long as I remember the birthday. But a larger part of the reason was because I wanted to pretend how magnanimous I was (even if I am not) as compared to vince and the creatures. The age of them three combined is over a hundred, yet they are trampling on someone as young and non-ruthless as me.

Pris helped me bring the present up to jane, and jane came down with her, after knowing that I was still downstairs cos I was waiting for pris to come down so that we can continue our conversation. Huixian joined us as well and hence myself, pris and her started chatting. En'en sat to my right with jane to hers.

En'en jokingly told jane she will call vince to remind him to bring jane out for some romantic time and together I turned away from their conversation on their mention of vince. A while later, vince walked past us and I eyed him, wondering was he coming over. He didnt, he went up the escalator to the office.

While I turned my back to the escalator and was chatting with pris and huixian, suddenly pris cued that vince is coming over. I immediately stood up, tapped pris and I walked away. Pris and huixian caught up with me and they told me that jane expressed shockness at why I left the moment vince came.

Apparently she asked en'en "Why she leave? Why she leave the moment vince came?"

Because I left the scene of crime so quickly, I didnt hear her asked that.

I arranged another meeting point with en'en and michael again and when we gathered, en'en asked me why I walked away so abruptly. She felt I could have just said hi to vince and I do not need to talk to him at all.

But my reason was simple. I do not wish to talk to him at all and if I were to hide my displeasure and converse with him, however short the talk is, I am being the hypocrite that I always hate. En'en assured me that whatever it is, it will fade away after some time. Probably sometime in the future I will be able to let go of the whole issue and start to talk to vince again.

I agreed with her.

Yet deep under I think most probably this will not be the case. I forgive easily, but I will never forget whatever bad someone done on me. I am petty and I know it. One day I might forgive him for not standing on my side as I thought a friend would do, but I will never forget the sense of betrayal.

Or rather maybe one day I might look back at myself and think how silly I am to imagine he is a friend when he obviously do not see me in the same light. Actually it is so much easier to forgive if I look at it from this perspective. But it will hurt me equally bad to know that he never treated me as a friend all these while.


***
Gatherings with this gang have always been quite a silent affair. Everyone gets together to complain about work only and outside the damn company, we have very little in common. I sometimes find that this gang is formed 'accidentally'.


Digression!!:
I coined this term 'accidental friends' to categorise all the people whom wouldnt become my buddies if not for some weird reasons. Granted that life works in a weird way, but sometimes I am awed.

Take for example jnce. I got to know her when I met en'en and slt for dinner and karaoke once, and she used to work at the damn company before I joined. I completely clicked with her, although we are not really that close. While I was still at the damn company, sometimes she will sms me to join her for lunch. Now this is what I call an accidental friend. Cos I wouldnt have known her under normal circumstances.


Back to topic. I was saying this gang is formed quite accidentally because the reason why we are one gang (ok la, to be politically correct, they were one gang and I joined them) is that we are all on the same (wrong) side of the office politics.

We prefer not to play a part in the scandalous environment and were victimised by the ppl who played evil. If it wasnt for this fact we wouldnt have nothing much in common. Of course you can remind me that our gang likes to drink, but actually not, cos michael doesnt.

A good portion of the gang likes to drink, but more accurately, the gang gets together purely for more lamentation. I feel this gang feels more like some rape victim support group sometimes. Hahahah.

But it is getting more comfortable and less awkward these days when all of us just sit around and not talk. Previously I was still feeling self-conscious with them because they are really different compared to lao da and andy. But now I am beginning to fit it with them, and just slip into the comfortable silence.

As I grow older, sometimes this kind of silent interaction is more than welcomed. I am growing too old to have endless chatterbox session. =)