Late night OT

I dont mean tonight guys, dont worry.

What I meant was an insane late night I've put in for work on thurday (or fri morning, more aptly).
I broke my own personal record then, on the nnumber of hours I stayed back to do work on a work night.

The last record was 2.30am, but on thurs I left at a frightening 4.30am.

4.30 am!!!!!!

Honestly, I couldnt believe myself doing that. On regular days I do OT every night, yes, but I try to avoid any time later than 10pm (which is the official time that I may take a cab home).

I digress a little. Having taking cabs more than 30 times a month just to attend meeting (ooi... I attend more meetings than that, but most of them are within walking distance in CBD area), I am so used to flag down cabs whimsically. The bulk of my expenses are contributed to taxi drivers kopi-o funds, but I still have to put up with their nonsense. Ok, that's another entry for later.

Anyway, I was saying I try not to leave later than 10pm, but sometimes it is impossible not to, due to the massive work load. Also, I've worked till 6.45am before, but that was a friday night and I had the whole of saturday to sleep off my weariness.

For thurs, it was hardly similar. I left at around 4.45am and reached home at 5am. With record speed I washed up and took off my contact lens.

I was unconscious before I could say 'wah kao'.

I slept 3 hours and still managed to reach work on time. I'm amazed.

Actually it is more accurate to say I am amazed by my amount of will. Each time I push myself to do more work, I managed to accomplish it and come out in one piece. There's so many times when thought I will fall over and die, but I am still here.

The late hours spent in office is agontasing, to say the least. You'll look at your pile of work with despair, then anger, then resignation, then despair all over again. You'll force yourself to concentrate but you find yourself in a daze every alternate minute. You are so tired that your mind had already switched itself off but you have to drive it on.

It is a battle between you and youself, and there is no winner at the end of it. You either gain your rest and get fucked the next day for not completing the work, or stay till you are near collapse, and live with the throbbing headache and giddiness for the next 2 days.

Lose-lose situation, but there is no way out.

All except linn understands why I have to do so much ot, especially when the quantity is not justifiable. Most people warns me what I already know, that I will burn myself out before long, (as a matter of fact, linn and myself tells each other that, but we never kept to our promise of leaving early) or that family and friends are more important than work - I may die at work and my boss wont even care beyond 2 weeks.

But I must say that doing ot is really a choice. I could just produce crappy work and escape the office at 6 or 7 - crappy work in my definiation, is work that is done to please others only, and not myself. Working to pass my own judgement is what I am more concerned about.

I dont want to, because I am answering to myself.

And only myself.