Recharging

I took a day leave to recharge myself.

Actually, the last time I took was merely 2 mths ago, during the chinese new year period, but now I am feeling the need to recharge again.

I hope that isnt unhealthy, having the need to get away from work so frequently. But actually, I really think I need it, because I am feeling very helpless these days.

The work is slowly sucking my life away, and I felt drained especially because nothing I do seems to be correct.

My bosses are kind enough. They pointed out my mistakes when I made them and I always make it a point not to repeat them. As a matter of fact, if I followed that they tell me, I would be less perplexed now.

Like mentioned in my earlier post, I ought to let go of certain responsibilites (i.e. those that werent mine to begin with) and learn how to work effectively and efficiently.

I had a talk with my direct boss that night over drinks, and she told me in her first 3 years as a designer, she insist on doing everything herself, and working ot every night and every weekend.

She would call all contractors herself, and all suppliers herself, and disregard the project manager's request that he do his work himself.

I laughed and told my boss that this is exactly what is happening to me. I am wrapping myself stubbornly around everything that seems remotely related to me, ignoring whether it is in fact my scope or not.

To me, the account is mine and I must take care of it totally. Nevermind how my colleagues are there to help me, I dont need them.

This is one notion I desperately need to shake off. I am collapsing under the stress and everyone couldnt be bothered to help me because "I had it coming".

How I hate that.

But I cant blame them. Miss-know-it-all here insist on sticking a nose into everything, overriding everyone else's jobscope and then when she flops, everyone will step back and see how she is going to clear this mess up.

And know what? I didnt even have to go through that. In the first place, it was solely me who wouldnt trust my colleagues enough to let them participate in the job.

I stick both hands and both legs in, but eventually because I cant be in 2 places at one time, I end up remote-controlling everyone via my lovely handphone, and made all contractors and suppliers feel that I am one control freak.

And how betrayed I felt when I put in all my attention to each job, only earning my clients grew remarkably close to the project manager. I was closed to imagine myself being the designer-cum-project, when I couldnt afford the kind of commitment at all.

That is why I need to learn to let go, and step back to admire how my colleagues are putting things together as beautifully as I would have done. I neednt fret that fucking much and loss so much sleep over nothing.

Hence I am taking today as a recharge day. After which I would really constantly remind myself to learn to work as a team with my colleagues, and live happily ever after.