Tuesday, January 02, 2007

NYR - Part I - Independence

I always sighted myself as an independent lady.

Recently, I had a conversation with an attached friend whom was half lamenting that his girl was one whom is too independent.

I laughed and told him that comparatively, his girl is considered quite mild. At least, she is not till the level of being able to identify her independence, or to the level of being able to advise another girl on the perils of being too independent.

I score an easy 9 when you judge me on my independence, and while I pride myself to be fully capable to take care of myself, I also have to admit it works against me at the worse of all situations.

There's almost nothing that I think I cant do, well except IPPT and being in the same room as a cockroach, and for everything that I can do myself, I would not ask someone else to do it for me.

Even if someone offers to do the dirty work for me.

If I may, I can zoom in to the fact that I dowan to be at the mercy of another person, hence I prefer to do things myself, without needing to be helpless because I cant do it myself.

Also I hate to owe others favours that I know I am not capable of returning. At any time that I need to ask someone to do something for me, I feel obliged to pay back my gratitude in a manner that matched the assistance I received, if not more. I would never ask someone to work on a draft for me overnight, compensating her with a mere yong tau foo lunch.

My independence is always pointed out by people whom are hurt when I refused help. Friends always felt I was deliberately isolating myself because I dont trust them. Do I not? I laugh coarsely.

Nobody else that I know of snaps on the defence mechanisms like I do. It is a habit that I had for as far as I can remember. There is only 1 mode -- autopilot mode -- and while half the time I know that my defence mechanism is switched on, I dont do anything to switch it off and learn to trust someone else.

No matter what I am doing, even if I appear to be letting someone else do something for me, inevitably, I am still holding to an invisible rein to the animal. And even if things goes well without me working on it tangibly, it never make me more trusting towards this person.

People tell me all the time that my independence, though outwardly a good thing, is my largest tripping stone in my relationship management. Most people are firstly disappointed with me, then angry, just because I would never let them nearer to me. While others relish being showered with attention, I shun away when someone offers a shoulder to cry on or a hand to grasp.

This new year, I resolve to soften myself a little and try to accept goodwills that people extends to me. I shall not be as insistent against other's concern and affection and I shall just gratefully receive help and not wonder if anyone is plotting against me.

New Year Resolution for 2007 : Be grateful to others who offer help, and graciously accept it.

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