Factory's rejects

I am feeling super sian now.

It is the true-blue hokkien "sian", not tired, not bored, not something that I can describe with any english words. I guess my english still sucks.

I am feeling "意兴阑珊".

I dunno when can I leave this job. I am not enjoying myself here and I still cant pinpoint the reason why. I've maintained that my colleagues are generally nice people, but I just cannot get along with them.

My manager spoke to me on fri. He told me that he feels I am someone who can communicate very well. He stressed that he is sure I am a person who can express my concepts to clients easily, and have the capability to get clients to understand me.

That is, if I speak up.

He told me that he dunno if it is my habit or what, but he felt that I should interact with colleagues and talk more. He said that once I become more familiar with the people here, I would be happier.

I just smiled.

I dont need to speak up. I need to open up.

The worse scenario is when someone knows exactly what is wrong but the person cannot/would not improve it.

But no one really know the extent of my low morale. They look at me and think I am joyous, humourous, funloving and 爱玩, 好玩 .

I am not.

I feel like some factory's rejects sometimes. It is almost like someone had stamped a red ugly "REJECT" across my forehead, branding me a failure.

Flawed and unwanted.

Everyone is sharing their opinions on my ill feelings towards the job. Some advised me to hang in there, some advise me to get a better job, some advise me that they dont know how to advise me and it would be best if I can come to a conclusion myself.

Very true. I want to be the person making the decision and not anyone else.

Family members. Friends. Ex colleagues. Everyone.

I kept gathering opinions in hope that I can organise my thoughts better, get the full range of pros and cons, and make a decision about what I really want.

There are some things that I am really sure now though.

1. I want to leave this job.

I contemplated to quit and study for the 'A' Levels that I am going to take next year, but my mother isnt supportive. She felt that I should be at least working till end of the year before I quit, since I can only enrol for lessons at some private institution like british counsel next year.

I agree also. But in total honesty, I felt that it might be a case that I work till end of this year, and then I spend the next two years studying as a private student before I can pass my 'A' levels. I am not exactly very confident in subjects like maths.

Otherwise another ideal situation is that I leave this job for one that I like - colleagues, environment, jobscope, pay, etc. If I do like the job, I would feel energised enough to even work and study part-time.

Then I would just continue to work while I slowly attend lessons to eventually take and pass my 'A' levels.

2. I want to go back to study, then apply to be a teacher.

My mother is questioning on whether there is any prospects in this job.

I am not looking for prospects! I want to work as a teacher because I want to impart the knowledge of whatever I know.

She asked me what will happen if there is no longer a demand for art teachers in future?

I told her nothing is predictable in life. But if art teachers can survive in the last 10,20 years, there is really no reason how art teachers cant survive in the next 10,20 years.

All along, I had never imagine that one day art would be 主流 in school. I am not striving to be the one to execute major art plans in singapore's education systems.

All I want, is to ignite a very small interest in my students. That is all.

Can everyone stop discouraging me? I really feel like getting away from all of you sometimes. I am not the best out there I know, but I am not looking to be the best either!

I just want to do something that I want to do. I dont want to live another 20 years, then look back and regret that I never follow my dreams.

"It's better to regret what you have done, than what you havent." ~ Paul Arden