I dont wish to talk about this anymore after this.
I desperately want to close this unhappy chapter and get on with life.
This is going to be an extremely long entry, I am estimating it to hit 2000 words. And my entries almost never come with pictures, and this is definitely one of those that will be words and more words. If you are not interested, you should stop here and visit happier sites, like here.
After this I will try not to speak of this episode again. If anyone must know they will have to receive this entry in this entirety.
I've mentioned before that I wasnt angry. I wished I could be, then maybe I know how to handle my emotions. Anger is destructive compared to sorrow but at least it is straightforward. With anger, you just vent it and you are immediately better. Sadness unalike. Maybe it is just me, but I had always had a big problem trying to deal with sadness.
Well, let's see if I can complete this entry.
On wed, after the meeting with her, as suggested, I went to talk to the director.
(To my best memory, but contents DEFINITELY not twisted in my favour.)
k : Mr Ong, can I speak to you?
d : Yes?
k : It's between me and adl, she said that she can no longer work with me in a team, and asked me to tender my resignation or come to talk to you.
d : And the purpose of you talking to me?
k : (huh?) I am not sure, I thought she had already spoke to you and want you to convey some message to me.
d : She never did.
k : Hmm, I have got no idea, she got me to speak to you, and hence I am here.
d : What is between you two?
k : She insisted that I am going around the office spreading rumours her which I never did. I've got no idea why she say that.
d : Let me speak to her first.
k : Ok, I do understand. Shall I talk to you after that? Will tomorrow be fine?
d : It will be.
k : Thanks Mr Ong.
And I returned to my seat.
I started sms-ing peilin, mashi, meow, andy, seoul, then I sms-ed en'en and pris. Mchl was sitting behind me but I think him, on sensing things were wrong and I cant talk openly, sent me an sms to ask "What's wrong? Is everything ok?"
I replied to tell him adl ask me to tender my resignation.
He replied his shock, and asked me if I wanted to talk. It was almost knockoff time and he suggested we go for a drink later.
At that point of time, all I could react was "What's there to talk? I will resign. =)"
I could still smile then.
I had already arranged to meet esther, and I couldnt have called it off because it was very late already. Esther informed she would be reaching by around 7 and hence I continued to stay in the office.
En'en and pris started getting worried about me but they also knew they cant walk over and talk to me then, because the director would be noticing.
When it was 6pm, I braced myself and went to find en'en, and went with her to wish iris a happy birthday. By then I was feeling fidgety but I squared my shoulders and went to talk to iris as though nothing had happen.
There, I told ec of the news.
He was surprised but he thought, even up to now he feels the same, that it is just as well. This company wasnt a place for anyone to stay forever because of the culture and he felt I should take the chance to leave.
We left the conversation at that and I told him I will talk to him again the next day.
I returned to my workstation and typed out the resignation letter. I knew that no matter whether I speak to the director or not, whether he was wise enough to see that I was wronged or not, I had to leave. How could I be working with someone who would blatantly malign me and still righteous? She is being absurd.
Pris and en'en met me downstairs and they couldnt believe that this was happening. Neither could I but I was feeling a weird sense of humour then. I wanted to laugh as though this was just one big joke but another part of me was somber.
I felt strangely like I was split into a few persons. One of me wanted to laugh, one is feeling shock and helplessness, one is looking on thinking how come there is no anger, one is sitting there feeling void of emotions.
It is such an insane rush of conflicting emotions.
They each told me not to think too much about it. At that time, all of us knows that as much as I am innocent, I am dead meat since adl is obviously targeting me.
We ended the conversation with them two leaving after esther arrive, with them reminding me repeatedly to not think too much about it.
Come thursday. After I reached the office I began to create spreadsheets on how the process of the jobscope so as to facilitate the next person.
This next person is going to need all the good wishes he/she can get.
I did the spreadsheet definitely not because I wanted to help adl even after I had left -I am not deranged- I wanted to help the new person as much as I could so that he/she could eventually override adl.
Something that I didnt manage to do.
I helped ec did a drawing, and asked vnc if there was any drawing he needed me to do for him. I did one out of two for him, then went for lunch. When I returned, I waited for him so that he can brief me, but he never returned again.
At around 3pm, katherine told me to go up to the mini showroom, and that the other two of them are already waiting for me upstairs.
I went up and the three of them sat with adl opposite me, katherine to my left and vnc to my right. I instinctively pulled my seat closer to vnc than katherine, as though I thought he would support me.
Katherine was the only one who spoke. She said that the three had came to a conclusion that none of them could work with me in a team anymore and they wanted me to either tender resignation with immediate effect, meaning I leave the same day, or they will give me a letter of termination.
I kept quiet for a second, giving them the luxury to wish they will see me falter. But they can only wish, because I told them my resignation letter is already printed and sealed, and I will get it for them immediately.
I also told them I will get my ot and expenses claim form and bring it up together.
With that I stood and left them.
I had records of all my ot and expenses in the computer in an excel sheet that I call 'Personal'. In the same file, I've a record of all the projects I've done and some summary of them which had aided me along the way in this job.
It was the only file that I remembered to delete. I should have deleted all the libraries I had created, but I didnt have time.
Before you say anything about me being morally wrong to delete the company's file, I have to say that the libraries I am talking about are all done by me for my convenience's sake. Upon my leaving I should have deleted them but I didnt had the chance.
That is my biggest regret now.
I returned to the room with my resignation letter and forms, passed them to katherine and asked her and vince if they had anything else that they want to say to me.
They shook their head, and I sat down and stared at adeline, telling her "Adeline, now that I've resigned, tell me, what is it exactly that you heard. You've insisted that I leave and I've done it, now tell me, so that I die knowing."
She told me that she was waiting for me to ask that question the day before, why hadnt I. I didnt answer and repeated my question again.
She told me she heard from 70% of the people in the company, that I've directly said to them I dont want to work under her.
I told her, in the firstly, the company's strength is 100. 70% is 70 people. I dont even know 30 people for god's sake. Secondly, whatever I'd said before I will admit, whatever I didnt I am not taking the blame for nothing. I've mentioned before that it is difficult to work with her, but I had never said I dowan to work with her, less to say that I've went around telling 70 people that.
She said the day before, during the meeting, when she said to me that she heard me spreading her rumours, I had not defended myself but had 'uh'-ed all the way with defiance. When she asked me to tender my resignation or talk to the director, I just stood up and walk away.
I told her I have got no idea why is she recognising a totally wrong set of emotions. I didnt know what I was feeling back then, but it was definitely not defiance. I was more shocked and didnt know how to react, but I thought I didnt show any emotions on my face.
She then said she was waiting for me to defend myself but I walked away. When we both reached our workstation, she said that although she had a meeting, she sat there waiting for me to talk to her, instead I went to talk to the director.
(She really makes me sick. How hypocritical can she get?)
I told her since she could have misinterpreted my emotions, she shouldnt be surprised that I didnt catch her underlying 'wishes' at all. To me, it was all very straightforward. She is maligning me of something I didnt do, and I had only two options: tender my resignation or talk to the director and tender my resignation.
It was a case of "That's all, get out." to my ears. (I swear I heard nothing more than that.)
Like pris said after that. What fucking options is she talking about. She drew a straight line to a wall and ask me to walk into it. Exactly like how I felt then. There wasnt options. It was just die, or talk and die.
Which is also why I never imagine I need not tender my resignation.
I told her again that whatever I've done and spoke I will never deny responsibilities. I've told a few of the closer colleagues that I find it hard to work with adeline, but I've spoke to around 4 persons only.
She then say if that is the case, someone must have spreaded my words.
I told her there she goes, she is not making sense. First she say I went to 70% of the people in the company and spreaded rumours, then now she say someone spreaded my words.
She ignore my accusation and said someone whom I spoke to must have spreaded my words and asked whom did I think had done it to me.
I told her what I felt, that it could jolly well be someone misinterpreting something innocent that I said and went on to spread it. That wasnt something that I can control.
I gave her an example. If someone were to come up to me when I OT-ed till 11pm and asked me why am I such a poor thing to have to OT till that time, and where is adl, why is she not staying OT with me.
If this person unwittingly, out of sympathy for me, told someone else that she spot me doing OT alone while adl goes home, and this person who heard it might think I was the one who publicise myself doing OT while adl went home.
This scenario is very possible, give that I OT all the time and people offer their sympathies to me all the time.
I asked adl, in a scenario like this, am I still in the wrong? She found no words.
She asked me if I could recall anyone who probed words from me, and tricked me into saying negative things about her. Or had deliberately stirred things up. I told her I do not think so. Everyone spoke to me earnestly and I believed at the worst it was just a gossip went badly wrong.
But I would rather resign then to randomly point fingers (like she did). I disbelieve someone was out to cause me harm. I have trust in the people I spoke to, whether it was directly about my working problems with adl or whether otherwise.
I told them, as I've told vnc once and I am telling them again, that by telling these ppl, I am treating them as my friends and not my colleagues. These people are people I trust, and I dont reckon they spreaded rumours in my name. I told him, like I told adeline, this people I talked to could jolly well been my mother, my best friend, my dog, my anyone. To me they are just ppl I confide in. There is nothing complicated to it!
And by telling them, my perspective had always been what I was going through, and not how by saying what I say, I can effectively get adl into trouble. If that is really what I want to, I might as well complain directly to the top. Why should I do such a stupid thing like spreading rumours when it can be traced to me.
(Also, I had always been very vocal. If I had really had been unable to work with her, I would not have hesitated. I would have went up to the boss to sabotage her direct!)
Eventually it seems that she realised she had wronged me and told me the decision was back in my hands. If I want to stay, we would bury the hatchet and work together again.
She said she would forget about the whole rumours thingee.
I kept quiet as I thought how ridiculous can she get. I am obviously the victim here, whom is she to claim the right to cry foul?
But I thought if I were to leave the company and join another one, I will have to cope. If I were to stay I would like to think I am starting all over again, bearing no grudges against her groundless accusations.
But eventually, she said the director wasnt comfortable with me anymore and suggested I quit all the same. She was just getting a kick out of sending me on a wild turkey chase.
I told her fine, and I packed my things and left. I resigned in comfort knowing she didnt get to see me panic or teary, but I was fortified with the faith that she is NOT going to see me buckle. I wanted her to feel stupid, that after thinking for so long for a plan to rid of me, I just said ok and resigned.
To the people who felt I shouldnt leave because I did no wrong, I agree. But the real reason for needing to leave, and my decision on resignation, was based mainly on the fact that I felt she was tekan-ing me on purpose. Should I not leave she would also think of Plan B or Plan C or Plan D.
Peilin was saying that it hurts to be wronged this way, especially when I had put in my best efforts at work. (Despite whatever they want to say about me spreading rumours, at least they still have the correct conscience to recognise I am an amazing worker.) But she told me that it could had been worse. The longer I work there, the efforts I paid out was directly proportionate and it could had been a bigger tear at my heart to see my efforts meaning nothing to the management.
My management cares nothing about efforts as you can see. I can safely tell you my job performance had been nearly perfect because I take pride in my work. But still I was caused to leave for a fault that is not mine, and they didnt retain me even if I am a good worker.
I called vnc on my way home after that, and he was still indignant. Although it had been obvious that I was maligned and I had to leave for something I never did, he felt I was the root of the problem. If I had never started telling the ppl in office about what I felt about adl, but had went direct to her, there wouldnt have been such a chance for misunderstanding.
I halted him and told him, I've never said that. I said that if I moved over, with a bigger chance of contact, we might quarrel frequently. It was not as vnc had said, that I will quarrel with her everyday, as though I will add it to my priority list.
Vnc still had the cheek to tell me, "See, it is so easy to get your meanings wrong. Luckily I've never told anyone what you told me."
"I shouldnt have said anything to you then. In a scenario like this, it will be your words over mine. I would have unwittingly caused myself harm.
"But I still believe in my friends."
I ended the call feeling very disappointed with him. How could he had allowed me to be wronged and not help? To think I had always done my best to do his projects and drawings for him, and I had place tremendous trust in him. If there was any case of misplaced trust, it was on vnc that it was.
Pris was very supportive of me. As a matter of fact, all of them are. Although they are not reading this, I want to show my gratitude towards pris, en'en, ec, slt and mchl, they had been the only merits of the job. Knowing them was the best thing that happened to me in the damn company.
Peilin stood by me throughout, as andy, seoul and meow did. Mashi was silent most of the time, but she gave me the space I need. If I were her I would have expected to be the first to know everything, but she gave me the space to explain to everyone else first.
I am indebted to all of them for holding faith in me. This is a hurdle in life that I had to step over and I am still trying to cope. Without them I would have fallen from the start.
"U r not spreading rumours abt her. U merely ve working problems w her. Wa lao, she really eh. U did nothing wrong and always did what she 1 u to do." - en'en
"Are u feeling better? U really decided not to defend yourself? Actually I think no matter what, u must at least defend yourself whether u r leaving or not. Cos I think to you like that is not fair at all do all e bloody shit for her n in e end kena treated like like. You must voice out de." - pris
"Ok, good to think this way. You really deserve better." - mashi
"Gal you ok? I hope pris is with you now." - en'en
"Dun be like this la. They r all fuckers. Dun be sad cos of them. Oh no, I cant believe I'm cursed." - en'en
"Okie dokes, Hang in there, babe." - peilin
"Kanina! Y they so cb one? Your things a lot or not? I come up help you take." - pris
"=) take a break first huh." - andy
"So fast!! I start 2 hate them oredi! It's really unfair.. U dunno how they came out with tis conclusion.. Ah, Anyway wil c u again rite? Til then c u!" - mchl
"It's really sad tat our kai xin guo left us.." - mchl
"How can she do this? Evil person." - iris
"V disappointed wif them. Vnc oso ask u 2 tender or support [you]?" - mchl
"Gossip n telling e truth is totally 2 different issue.. u r rite. They r a gang. Only noe how to protect their ass." - mchl
"No point telling her otherwise kt won't leave [the coy]. Y not ask vnc 2 talk 2 her instead? Excuses. All bullshit." - michael
"R you feeling ok?" - iris
"You take care ok, I'm going to miss u like hell. We must definitely meet up again no matter what ok! Just take this as a lesson, when one day u really succeed, I see how long they can laugh and continue with their bird talks! All damn pu bohs! Dont let me see them fall one day." - pris
"You enjoy yourself ok! Dun think too much, not worth it, sing until u vomit is e best. =)" - pris
"I will miss you too." - en'en
"Lol! I miss u too! How r u feeing today? Ok bo? ... I think of their stupid faces I also sian. Only this bloody team like this." - pris
"如果心是近的，再远的路也是短的。 如果开心是蜜做的，再咸的海水也是甜的。如果你收到我的短信了，希望今天再累再烦的你也是快乐的。" - esther
"I totally understand what u r going through. E only reason y u r feeling like that right now is cos u know injustice had been done to u. Clear your mind, open your thoughts, dun let this situation lead u on to becoming even more stressful. It's not good for you mentally. U deserve more than this. Dun ever let this incident bring u down. U dun deserve this." - pris
"No problem. U just take care ok. Dun keep thinking about them cos e one feeling miserable will be u and they wont feel a single thing. You'll be at e losing end. That day what I saw in your eyes, I cant describe but I hope I wont see that vision again. Cos you deserve to be what u r, and not what they made you to be." - pris
I pray sincerely I will be strong enough to overcome all these. I dunno how long will it takes, but this has shaken my confidence considerably. It had been 3 days only, but it felt ages. Can I indulge in a little self pity? Give me a while, peeps.
My msn nick : 用尽了力气勇敢后，就不再有力气坚强了。- 朋友们，我本来就不坚强的。你们太看得起我了；我好想逃走，逃离自己，因为我的心容不下我自己。
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