Bearing animosity

I am angry with myself because I am thinking of giving in and sms erv! But I know I shouldnt. I was never magnanimous to begin with. And I am also angry tt he, as a guy, dont take the effort to appease me. This only further proves my point that I treat him better than he me.

On top of anger, I am feeling upset too. Sigh... Ni Min Ran (倪敏然) committed suicide by hanging himself from a tree. His corpse was found with his identifications. He was believed to have committed suicide 10days back. By the time he was found, his body has been drained of blood, and his organs has supposedly 'tuo luo'. From what the lianhe wanbao reported, he was hanging 2feet above the ground, and there is no objects nearby that he could step on. This could only means he had his noose ard his neck, climb up the tree and jumped off.

This is so saddening. I am in no particular favour of nmr, but I gan tong sheng shou. He was having problems with relationship issues. He had a wife but is in love with another artiste. His career seems to be suffering a downfall and he seems to have lose faith in his religion late into his life. He used to be a christian, then lately he worshipped si-mian-fo, but when he penned his last words, he seems to be still holding hope in christianity.

I am not a christian. But everyone should have a religion to believe in to distract themselves in time of weaknesses.

Nmr seems to be suffering from depression. And with the various reports, these are the people who chooses the most cruel way to commit sucide. There are other artistes who leaped off building, burnt charcoal in airtight room, and hang themselves from hanger.

It is depressing to see people who cant control their emotions anymore. I am just lucky tt as much as I considered that option before, I was often too drained of energy from crying to carry it out. Suffering from depression is never a decision. No one should ever go up to someone who is suffering from depression or psychological problems to ask them 'to snap out of it'.

Depression is an illness. It is like cancer, it is like your common flu or sore throat. Only thing is everyone sympathise with people suffering from cancer or the common ailments, but when one realise you have depression, they think you chose it.

People thinks tt depression is a trend. It is a way to show how melancholic is percieved as personalities on 'shuai-ge's and it is oh-so-appealing... think hua ze lei.

Ya right.

Depression is ugly. Just think of tears-washed eyes, so swollen tt they cant be opened beyond a slit. Think of the constant knitted-brows, and the down-turned lips. Think of the spaced-out look in their eyes when the patient is just feeling waves of emotions but do not feel sad over a specific reason. When depression progresses, it is not just the single reason tt causes sadness, but anything begins to suck.

Nothing is ever nice or beautiful anymore the moment you suffer from depression.

And it doesnt help at all, that people ard you doesnt understand and accept your illness. If it was a cancer case, friends and family members know how to react. I dare say 90% of people cant handle a depressed patient.

I used to have a friend who was a chao ah lian in sec one and two. We were in the worst class in sec 3 and 4. She eventually still managed to get a 11 point for 'O's based on her own efforts (none of the teachers can claim credit). She entered a jc and 3 mths or so before 'A's she quitted school.

She told me she was suffering from panic attacks and she seems to be suffering from depression too. I didnt know how to console her, because I dont understand the illness at all. She told me whenever she need to study she will feel breathless and she would squat in the living room and cant cont her studies.

That sounded so ridiculous to me then! It sounds like an excuse to get out of studies! Especially when I was not exactly experiencing heaven in poly 1 or 2. My projects got thrashed by lecturers and I was going w/o sleep to get work done, only to have it thrashed again.

I really thought this friend is trying to pull a fast one. But nonetheless, I dont bother to talk sense into her because I dont know where to start. So I just crap ard with her and didnt talk to her abt her studies at all... Up to now I have no idea whether I was doing the correct thing or not, because we gradually lost ctc.

This is just to show how ignorant a common person is towards depression/panic attacks.

When I was going thru my own tough patch, almost none of my friends can speak to me without me rejecting to talk because (a) I dowan to talk to them (b) I want to talk to them but because I feel my tears swelling and I have to walk away.

I only managed to open up to ryce. Up to know I dunno whether she knows she is my saviour. But sad to say, once upon graduation, I lost touch with everyone from poly but lao da. I can never leave lao da because I need his jokes to get me going. I cant face anyone from poly anymore and have since left the field.

I cant face my lecturers anymore, and I am rejecting all forms of contacting 'attacks' launched by my poly friends. When people ask me why do I have to suffer so much in poly, to give up later?


I cant admit to anyone tt I failed to take myself in reins.